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I don't get depressed often these days, but that means it hits me all the harder when I do.
When I'm depressed, first I get this sense of self-lacking. I feel useless, placeless. I long for the days when I felt like people relied on me and wanted to talk to me, while simultaneously dreading the concept of talking to anyone like this. When I do talk to someone, I'm quick to feel agitated by them. I resist talking about how I feel depressed, because as much as I hope it'll make the conversation turn to an "i'm Sorry" and then vanish, I know it'll lead to questions about what's making me depressed and why they can do to make me feel better. I hate when people ask how they can help. It makes me feel that much more patronized, like I'm suddenly worth the time of day now that there's something wrong with me.
I know it's not true, I know they're trying to be good friends, but my mind doesn't work right when I'm like this. I just want to lay down, but I don't want to lay down, because that feels like such sour defeat. Every little thing makes me fume with anger. Every big thing makes me despair. I'm trapped in a web of discontent. And these days, hard as I fight it, always end the same: curling under my blanket with the light on, too miserable to move, too afraid of lashing out at someone who doesn't deserve it to leave, not tired enough to sleep.
The worst part is that when I'm in these bouts, there's no reason for them. There's no genesis, no catastrophe that's sparked it, or even a mild inconvenience to call the last straw. They just happen with no warning or cause. And when I think about how there's no reason for me to be upset, it only upsets me that much more.
Forgive me if I do wrong these days. I might go lay down again now.
Drawn in about 30 minutes.
When I'm depressed, first I get this sense of self-lacking. I feel useless, placeless. I long for the days when I felt like people relied on me and wanted to talk to me, while simultaneously dreading the concept of talking to anyone like this. When I do talk to someone, I'm quick to feel agitated by them. I resist talking about how I feel depressed, because as much as I hope it'll make the conversation turn to an "i'm Sorry" and then vanish, I know it'll lead to questions about what's making me depressed and why they can do to make me feel better. I hate when people ask how they can help. It makes me feel that much more patronized, like I'm suddenly worth the time of day now that there's something wrong with me.
I know it's not true, I know they're trying to be good friends, but my mind doesn't work right when I'm like this. I just want to lay down, but I don't want to lay down, because that feels like such sour defeat. Every little thing makes me fume with anger. Every big thing makes me despair. I'm trapped in a web of discontent. And these days, hard as I fight it, always end the same: curling under my blanket with the light on, too miserable to move, too afraid of lashing out at someone who doesn't deserve it to leave, not tired enough to sleep.
The worst part is that when I'm in these bouts, there's no reason for them. There's no genesis, no catastrophe that's sparked it, or even a mild inconvenience to call the last straw. They just happen with no warning or cause. And when I think about how there's no reason for me to be upset, it only upsets me that much more.
Forgive me if I do wrong these days. I might go lay down again now.
Drawn in about 30 minutes.
Category All / All
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Ahhh, these situations that present themselves at such rare intervals… It’s probably that exactly same scarcity that makes them all the more difficult to mend. A psychiatrist might say that it’s all in the execution, but what can I say that isn’t born from rhetoric, medicine or cold didactic? I’m not a relative or close friend… Hell, I’m not even an acquaintance, considering the few occasions where we’ve sat down and had a conversation – to which you gleefully put up with my eccentricity – and I thank for you for that, but then what should I do? I’m an entity on the fringe of your fan base, but I still feel obligated to offer another helping hand out of the several couples you’ve probably already received. I could adulate you. Weave verbose truths of how your imagination acted as a catalyst for my own and kindled a fire to create my own species dissertation.
But no, that would seem trite and inappropriately droll in your current condition – which is a place I’m sure we’ve all been at some point or another. Recommendations, perhaps? Sometimes taking a hiatus from the bustle of digital obligation and interaction does more good than advertised and is a prudent move. Busing yourself with something physically intensive rather than mentally taxing might also help as well – at least to stave off the feelings of inadequacy that plaque you when you stagnate. It’ll reallocate your attention and you’ll end up ignoring all that ill-will your mind is generating. Music is also an excellent way to lift your spirits. Melancholic, dulcet tones the burst into vivacious harmonies can play with your mood in a beneficial way. God is an Astronaut and Tycho is amazing for that, along with a few underground bands, like Dr. Who Dat and Mindthings. Of course, philharmonics tend to be the best antidepressant. It’s a step in the right direction, but it still doesn’t offer the kick you deserve. How about something I’m sure a man with your level of eloquence is sure to appreciate: Knowledge. These bogus spells of self-effacement and irascibility may not have a Genesis, but everything has a Revelation – and once you reach the epiphany, you can gradually emerge from this dank pit you’ve wound up in. I impart more knowledge – you needn’t apologize for the things or people you might contravene. Even those would’ve never had a spell like this in their lives with understand.
I do not recommend the upward extreme of medication nor do I expect immediate rejuvenation, - hell, I don’t even expect for you to remember me - but I do hope that some of what I’ve said assists you on your route out of this dejection because no one deserves to feel like this. No one. Your cognition might be temporarily faulting, but that gossamer of hope and sense is still there – as exhibited by your own second paragraph, which is proof positive that things might look bleak and your expression might still be dower, but you’re well on your way out of this.
And, for what it’s worth, this piece is absolutely stupendous!
Best of luck, buddeh-boy.
But no, that would seem trite and inappropriately droll in your current condition – which is a place I’m sure we’ve all been at some point or another. Recommendations, perhaps? Sometimes taking a hiatus from the bustle of digital obligation and interaction does more good than advertised and is a prudent move. Busing yourself with something physically intensive rather than mentally taxing might also help as well – at least to stave off the feelings of inadequacy that plaque you when you stagnate. It’ll reallocate your attention and you’ll end up ignoring all that ill-will your mind is generating. Music is also an excellent way to lift your spirits. Melancholic, dulcet tones the burst into vivacious harmonies can play with your mood in a beneficial way. God is an Astronaut and Tycho is amazing for that, along with a few underground bands, like Dr. Who Dat and Mindthings. Of course, philharmonics tend to be the best antidepressant. It’s a step in the right direction, but it still doesn’t offer the kick you deserve. How about something I’m sure a man with your level of eloquence is sure to appreciate: Knowledge. These bogus spells of self-effacement and irascibility may not have a Genesis, but everything has a Revelation – and once you reach the epiphany, you can gradually emerge from this dank pit you’ve wound up in. I impart more knowledge – you needn’t apologize for the things or people you might contravene. Even those would’ve never had a spell like this in their lives with understand.
I do not recommend the upward extreme of medication nor do I expect immediate rejuvenation, - hell, I don’t even expect for you to remember me - but I do hope that some of what I’ve said assists you on your route out of this dejection because no one deserves to feel like this. No one. Your cognition might be temporarily faulting, but that gossamer of hope and sense is still there – as exhibited by your own second paragraph, which is proof positive that things might look bleak and your expression might still be dower, but you’re well on your way out of this.
And, for what it’s worth, this piece is absolutely stupendous!
Best of luck, buddeh-boy.
you know...i got that same feeling when i get down or depress...i want to be helped by i enclose myself away of the people but...i do to not hurt someone with my feeling. i'm been honset to say that i share the feeling...and is hard to deal...want to be with someone but at the same time, don't want it...*sigh* just hope thing go well...and i'm sorry if i can't help much with this...just recover soon
I think most of us has those times of depression less strong than you, but what is advisable and helped me most times. Sit on your bed, close your eyes for a moment and breath deep in and out a few times. Breath out until your lounges are empty, do it around 3 times and open your eyes again. It will calm you down a little during the depressions.
I hope you get better soon reed, depressions are nothing that should be taken lightly.
I hope you get better soon reed, depressions are nothing that should be taken lightly.
First of all, the shading and lighting in this piece is really well done, especially the pose and how the blanket follows your form. There really is a strong tone of despair, so the piece gets the feelings you intended across very well. I just want to hug you. :(
Second. ...this happens to me two. I think it's triggered due to intense stress, or that there are multiple small triggers (like listening to too much Adele or Fiona Apple... yes, really), but often it does feel like it comes out of nowhere. I'll be among friends, and all of a sudden, I'm two seconds away from bursting into tears and crying out, and... well, that would ruin any good moment between friends very quickly. I just... feel a hollowness inside, a hole that will never be filled, like hunger but deeper, more raw. I feel useless, pointless, like nothing I'm doing is getting me anywhere, I keep pushing people away with my depression and frustration, or even just by trying to reach out. I'm constantly trying too hard to be friends with people. Then past mistakes past regrets and past pain flood back, one case in particular, and it just magnifies until I feel paralyzed.
Usually, all I want to do is lay down. When I'm laying down, I think of all the things I should be doing, i wish i could do, and that i wish ere different, so it's not exactly restful. I end up just staying in bed, though, hiding, and waiting for it to pass.
I hope this helps, saying all this, and saying that I can relate. It's unreasonable how or when it happens, and it hurts like almost nothing else.
*hugs you gently*
Second. ...this happens to me two. I think it's triggered due to intense stress, or that there are multiple small triggers (like listening to too much Adele or Fiona Apple... yes, really), but often it does feel like it comes out of nowhere. I'll be among friends, and all of a sudden, I'm two seconds away from bursting into tears and crying out, and... well, that would ruin any good moment between friends very quickly. I just... feel a hollowness inside, a hole that will never be filled, like hunger but deeper, more raw. I feel useless, pointless, like nothing I'm doing is getting me anywhere, I keep pushing people away with my depression and frustration, or even just by trying to reach out. I'm constantly trying too hard to be friends with people. Then past mistakes past regrets and past pain flood back, one case in particular, and it just magnifies until I feel paralyzed.
Usually, all I want to do is lay down. When I'm laying down, I think of all the things I should be doing, i wish i could do, and that i wish ere different, so it's not exactly restful. I end up just staying in bed, though, hiding, and waiting for it to pass.
I hope this helps, saying all this, and saying that I can relate. It's unreasonable how or when it happens, and it hurts like almost nothing else.
*hugs you gently*
Awf.... *hugs tight*
I switched my Skype status to Busy but visible, like I promised. I've been taking looks to see if you're about, but I've yet to see you about. I might try occasional message-pokes, in case you've been Invisible.
You're worth my time whether you're happy or depressed, Reed. And I'd prefer doing anything in my power to make you feel the former over the latter. :(
Help doesn't have to just be "okay, tell me everything that's wrong and I'll act like a shrink for you", of course. I can help in that way, but some people really don't feel good receiving that sort of help, like you feel. So there's other kinds of help - like just getting your mind off of your emotions by chatting with a cheery friend. <:3
And don't think for a second that you shouldn't show that 'weaker' side of yourself towards your friends. True friends'll help you feel better, and honestly, we think nothing less of you for feeling bad sometimes. I know you already know that, of course, but it still feels worth pointing out.
That's a rather lovely picture btw. Your shadowing always looks so soft and cozy. I just lament that I can't slip behind you under those covers and hold you close. :(
I switched my Skype status to Busy but visible, like I promised. I've been taking looks to see if you're about, but I've yet to see you about. I might try occasional message-pokes, in case you've been Invisible.
You're worth my time whether you're happy or depressed, Reed. And I'd prefer doing anything in my power to make you feel the former over the latter. :(
Help doesn't have to just be "okay, tell me everything that's wrong and I'll act like a shrink for you", of course. I can help in that way, but some people really don't feel good receiving that sort of help, like you feel. So there's other kinds of help - like just getting your mind off of your emotions by chatting with a cheery friend. <:3
And don't think for a second that you shouldn't show that 'weaker' side of yourself towards your friends. True friends'll help you feel better, and honestly, we think nothing less of you for feeling bad sometimes. I know you already know that, of course, but it still feels worth pointing out.
That's a rather lovely picture btw. Your shadowing always looks so soft and cozy. I just lament that I can't slip behind you under those covers and hold you close. :(
Hate that feeling like you should be happy and you're not. I have a fairly busy college life and I often still feel sad, which shouldn't be happening. I keep asking my brain, “why do you keep making me feel sad when I should be happy with nearly everything I've wanted for five years?"
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