FA+
Shop
512
Views
Views
3
Favorites
Favorites
Category
Story / Fantasy
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 112
File Size 25.6 kB
Report this content
More from RaddaRaem
Listed in Folders
As has been mentioned before, your run of the mill typical RPG heroes aren't exactly thought very highly of in the Shady Impressions world setting. Over powered kleptomaniacs that treat people little better than wallpaper about sums it up. But of course, who could forget about the stereotypical villains who clash with them? Forging preposterously devoted antagonistic relationships with one another, these cliche heroes and villains are a handful. Poor Russo unfortunately has the dubious pleasure of being repeatedly hassled by a spurned snakey hero, who is all but desperate to call the human his nemesis.
So this came about as the result of me not really wanting to work on something plot related but yet at the same time could expand the world setting of Shady Impressions just a teensy bit. That and it something that would be especially stupid and fun to write about. I'm actually amazed I hammered all of this out in a single stream. Those have been really good for my productivity lately.
Note: Icon is © to Bobert
Nemesis Side Story
A tale of two foes eternally locked in battle is one older than society itself. It has existed alongside mortal culture as a staple to storytelling, something so ingrained into the psyche that we take it for granted. Oftentimes most only become aware of it when it is absent. When noticed, some bemoan this lack of conflict and take measures to put this staple of storytelling back in place. While others… well, there are a select few who do make the effort to ensure said conflict never comes to be. This is one of those cases where they weren’t terribly successful.
“Oh mug, you understand me,” Russo cooed to his empty drink as he rubbed the frosted glass against his cheek. “Everyone just drains you dry of everything you have, griping and moaning that you can’t give them more. God we have so much in common.” Flumping forward onto the counter, Russo rested his chin against the liquor stained hardwood and wrapped his arms around his mug. “Oh let’s see there’s the old man, there’s Dax, Jem, Dark, Nadie, whoever else it is I’ve wronged or rendered homeless in the past, there’s always someone wanting something from me! Though… wait. Most of that is my fault in the first place.” Furrowing his brows, the human banged his empty glass against the counter loudly as he yelled out for another drink. He was still thinking rationally and logically. There was nowhere near enough alcohol in his system yet. Eyes glazing over as he watched a pale brown liquid fill his vessel, he licked his lips as the cream white foam spilled over the top and snaked down the sides. “Ohhhhhhh yes,” he grinned to himself as he brought up the glass overflowing with the cause and solution to most of life’s problems to his lips. A stinging slap against his back caused the mage’s grip to slip, the smooth container fumbling in his hands and tilting towards him, spilling precious booze all over his lap. “The hell!?” Whipping his head to the side, Russo glared at the hooded snake swaying behind him.
His chest outfitted with green plated armor engraved with regal silver crests and steel gauntlets fitted around his scaled hands, the pale yellow brown reptile gave off quite the heroic air. That also happened to be strongly laced with the smell of alcohol. The silver spear slung across his back bopped against the top of his broad hood while he struggled to maintain balance. Falling forward, the snake rested his chin on Russo’s chest. Sticking out his forked tongue and hissing softly, Russo’s anger quickly dissipated to discomfort as he awkwardly pushed the reptile away. “Ssssssssorry about that,” he blurted out as his head bobbed to and fro.
“Don’t mention it,” the human grated out as he turned his attention back towards his half empty cup and swished it around. Ignoring the moist feeling of spilled beer soaking through his shirt he let out a sigh as he brought what remained of his drink back up to his lips. Drinking deeply from his mug, Russo’s gulps came to a halt as he caught side of the snake in his peripheral vision. Just sitting there. Staring at him. Eyes dancing back and forth from one side of his head to the other he continued to take slow nervous swallows as the snake watched on. “C-can I help you with something?” Russo inquired hesitantly as he set his once more empty glass down upon the counter.
“No no, just passing through,” the snakey replied as he gave the human a dopey fanged smile.
“Oooooooookay.” Tapping his fingers against the counter, the mage looked over his unwanted drinking buddy as the reptile continued to just stare at him goofily. “You’re sure?”
“Yyyup.”
“Positive?”
“Mmhmmm.”
“Absolutely certain?”
“Yessssssssssss. Wait, I mean noooooooooo.” Flopping forward, the broad snake wrapped his arms around the mage and began sobbing quietly.
“Oh God this is getting weird.” Russo grumbled beneath his breath as he tried to delicately unwrap the spiked scaly arms wrapped around him. No luck.
“Nobody underssssssstandssssssss,” he moaned into Russo’s chest as his snout poked into the mage. Pushing away at the snakey much less delicately, the well-known guild member began to attract a fair deal of attention. Lurching towards the door, the snake clung tight to Russo as his scaly form was slowly dragged along the dirty floor.
“Please let me remain amongst the ill-informed,” the human pleaded as he struggled to reach for the door.
“Ohhhh it all started last month after our last skirmish,” the reptile wailed as he recounted his sordid tale.
“Annnnnnnd you’re going to tell me anyway, fantastic.” Easing the door open with great difficulty, Russo staggered outside. The majority of his unwanted and incredibly clingy guest remained inside, his long smooth tail flitting about on the grimy floor. Slamming the door repeatedly on the snake proved to be a negligible deterrent.
“We’ve been locked in battle with one another for yearsssssssss now, always crossing knife and spear wherever we meet. But then suddenly, right after last time do you, do you know what he said to me?”
“No and I don’t want to know,” Russo yelled as he continued slamming the door on him.
“He said he found someone NEWWWWWWWW to fight and that it was time to move on. Some young upstart little ass burglar stole my nemesis away from me!”
“Fuck no. No. No. No no no I am not getting involved with this, I want absolutely nothing to do with this.”
“He was MYYYYYY NEMESIS,” the snake drunkenly slurred as he tapped a hand against his chest. “I hated him and he hated me, that was how it was supposed to be! Then he j-just ditches me for some young and dashy hero who thinks he’s all high and mighty. We had something special, I tellsssssssssss you! Every time I thought about him it would fill me with vengeanccccccccccce and I thought I did the same for him!”
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?”
“I know, right? We were foes for years, why would he leave me like that all of a sudden? Did I become boring to fight, o-or-”
“NO I mean you’re complaining that some guy doesn’t want to kill you anymore! Christ you people are insane, gahhh freaking wandering heroes!”
“What kind of person callsssssss himself a hero when he doesssssn’t have a nemesis? You look strong, you’sssssss a big shot mage, right? Be my nemesis, pleassssssssssssssssssssssssssssse,” manly tears dripping down his snout, the snake clung to Russo pathetically as he pleaded with him.
“FUCK NO.” Concentrating long enough to gather the required magic at his fingertips the mage teleported out of his grasp, reappearing a few feet in front of the reptile.
“Pleasssssssssseeee,” the snakey sobbed as he slithered out towards Russo, the human backing away frantically as everything got way too weird way too fast.
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh get away from me!” Russo screeched as turned tail and bolted back towards the Tedrah guild, the ditched and desperate hero nipping at his heels. Boots slamming down loudly against the cobblestone streets, it boggled the human’s mind how fast that bastard was able to move without having legs! Barely managing to keep ahead of his pursuer even as he teleported here and there, the mage somehow was able to burst inside the Tedrah guild with enough time to spare to slam the doors shut behind him, locking them just in time for the reptile to start pounding on them.
“Nobody wantsssssss to fight meeeeeeee…” the hero bemoaned as he slid against the door and onto the stone steps.
Heart pounding, the mage panted heavily as he clutched at his chest. “Oh man, oh man, I thought I was going to get dragged down into that bullshit for sure. Whew!” Collapsing into a heap, Russo wiped an arm against his forehead as he sighed in relief.
“Something the matter, Russo?” Dax arfed as he timidly approached the human. His paws padded back a foot or so each time the snake bopped his head against the door, jostling it noticeably.
“Uhhh… ehhhh… kind of sort of maybe. It should blow over soon enough though.” A dragged out groan slipped through from right outside the door.
“It sounds like someone is hurt!” A look of worry etched into his soft furry face, the wolf quickly reached for the lock, only to have Russo’s hand wrap around his wrist in a vice grip.
“They’re fine, just a little drunk and plenty stupid.”
“Fight meeeeeeeeee,” the reptile begged as he dug his armored fingers into the door and dragged himself up the steps.
“NO, GO AWAY.” Russo screamed in exasperation as he smacked a fist against the door.
“He… wants you to fight him? Why?” Arching a brow, Dax tiptoed towards a window and took a peek at the disheveled slob out front.
“Because he’s an idiot, that’s why. Jem gave you a lecture about those wandering heroes, right?” Running a hand through his hair, the human tried to brush away the locks that had matted against his sweaty forehead.
‘They’re the ones who like to steal stuff that isn’t nailed down or tossed behind a locked door, right?”
“You got it. The whole kleptomaniac thing isn’t the only reason why they’re hated so much. They also tend to attract all kinds of equally challenged villain types. You know, the kinds that go into long winded monologues about their dastardly and overly convoluted plans that make little to no sense.” Twirling his hand about in a circle, Russo continued to elaborate. “Honestly, I think most of those villains pop up just for the attention it brings them. Even if it is just to be hated as much as the heroes, at least people notice them. Oh Lord and as soon as one butts heads with a hero or group of em’ everything just goes downhill for everyone else from there.” Shaking his head, Russo smacked a palm against his forehead.
“Why’s that?” Dax further inquired as he pressed his nose against the glass and continued observing the snake making a fool of himself.
“Those jackasses tend to be foes for life once they antagonize each other and they just obsess over one another to the point where... well, n-never mind. Regardless, when those overpowered idiots start clashing everything around them turns to rubble. Oh OH and of course they have to duke it out in the middle of a city, not somewhere out in the boonies or far away from civilization. Assholes probably think that people fleeing from their destruction adds to the ambience.” Waving his fingers about, Russo’s face scrunched together as his tone seeped with disgust.
“Do those wandering heroes do any good at all?” Tilting his head to the side, he watched on in wonderment as the reptile rolled about in street.
“I… huh. Actually, I have no idea. I’ve always just assumed that since the world hasn’t ended multiple times over they must be doing something right. Preventing a cataclysm here, stopping an evil warlord there, so on and so forth. Now that I think about it though, do the heroes comes about as a result of those bombastic villains or is the other way around? Huh.” Scratching at his head the mage pondered for some time, unable to come to a satisfactory conclusion.
“Even if they are big jerks he still seems awfully sad.” Whining softly, the wolf could hardly stand to keep watching the pitiable display.
“You better not say what I think you’re gonna say,” Russo grimaced as he rose to his feet.
“Would it really be that bad to get into a scrum with him? Just beat him up a little and send him on his way?”
“Dax, were you paying attention AT ALL? If I pick a fight with him, I’m going to be stuck with him for life. That slippery bastard is going to hound me to tussle with him for as long as I live and will never leave me alone until I break down and comply. Oh let’s put some thought into it. La di la di la here I am out on a mission not fucking things up for once and BAM time to fight. B-but I’m in the middle of a super important mission NOPE LET’S BRAWL. Doot de doot de doo sitting in my room reading some tomes and HOLY SHIT THERE GOES THE FRONT OF MY HOUSE. Welp, looks like it’s time to trade punches again, of course I have absolutely no say in scheduling these things. Bloop bloop bloo getting ready to take a good long piss and silly me, here I was thinking I could have a moment’s peace. And oh hey there goes half the fucking building. WOAH NOW THERE’S NO TIME TO CATER TO BODILY FUNCTIONS. PULL UP YOUR PANTS, WE GOT BUSINESS TO DO. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. NOW NOW NOW. That’s what my life would be like, and it would suck.”
“Well what can we do then?”
“Just ignore him, he’ll leave eventually.” Pulling at his sticky tunic, Russo stuck out tongue as he wandered towards the back. “Get some sleep for now Dax, I’m sure he’ll have cleared out by morning.” Bidding the wolf a quick wave, the mage disappeared back into the guest rooms.
THE NEXT DAY
“He’s still there isn’t he?” Russo inquired irritably as he came up behind Dax, the pudgy wolf’s nose smooshed against a window pane, every breath fogging it up.
“Uh huh.”
“He’s got to slither on out of here sooner or later, don’t you worry.”
“Are you saying that to reassure me or yourself?” Tail wagging slowly, the wolf giggled as he heard the human grunt.
“You shush,” he grumbled as the mage slowly came up behind the wolf and dared to cast an ogle.
----THE NEXT NEXT DAY----
“It’s been two days. He’ll die from dehydration soon, won’t he? Right?” Russo asked aloud worriedly as he pressed his face against the window right along with Dax.
“Wait is he still drunk?” The fluffy mage in training asked in astonishment as he peered at the snakey flopping about.
THE DAY AFTER THAT
“OH COME ON,” Russo screamed in frustration as he glared out at the snake flitting about on the street out front for the third day in a row, wary passersby stepping over him and shooting him strange looks. “Who keeps giving him booze?!” Nearly pushing the window pane out of place, Russo pointed a finger accusingly at the growing pile of mugs and barrels of wine that had accumulated next to the scaly wreck. “And why isn’t he dead from alcohol poisoning yet?”
----I’VE RUN OUT OF TRANSITIONS----
“That does it. I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna kill him and be rid of him. Otherwise he will plague me for the rest of my life. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t even leave the guild hall! He HAS to go.”
“Out of the question,” the old man curtly declared as he stood before Russo.
“Well what else am I supposed to do?!”
“Russo, have you ever noticed that those hackneyed heroes and villains always tend to be evenly matched? How else do you explain the fact they are able to duke it out for so long and so often, yet they never seem to kill each other.”
“Your point?” Shaking, the human clenched his fists together as magic seethed forth from his fingertips.
“You don’t need to kill him. Just beat him down so badly, make the fight so lopsided, that you utterly crush his spirit in the process and scare him off from ever setting foot here again.”
“I like that plan.” Grinning manically, Russo bounced up and down.
“Ugh, I really wish I hadn’t sent Jem out on that mission the other day. He’d be able to beat some sense back into you with that moral compass of his.” Rolling his eyes, the master unlocked the front door to the guild. Moments later, Russo rushed out into the crowded street and smiled down menacingly at the perpetually drunk reptile.
“Fight meeeeeeee,” the snake pleaded one last time as he reached out towards Russo.
“If it’s a fight you want, it’s a fight you’ll get.” Swirls of magic coalescing in his palms, a multitude of magical orbs sprung forth in his hands. Each one crackling with energy, they all looked to be straining to contain the power contained inside them.
“You mean it?!” Clasping his hands together, the snake sprung to life and twirled about in place.
“No. NO. STOP BEING HAPPY.”
“Eeeeeeeeeeee I have a new nemesis.” Sticking out his forked tongue, the heroic snake magically shook off his hangover and wiggled about in place happily.
“QUIT THAT.”
“Eeee,” He hissed much more quietly as he pulled his spear off his back and smiled giddily as he pointed it at Russo. “Ready when you are, nemesis!”
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” Screaming mindlessly, Russo could contain his insanity no longer. Thrusting both his hands forward, a multitude of orbs surged forth towards the reptile and exploded on impact with his armor, blasting the snake backwards with obscene force. Skidding along the cobblestone roads for nearly a hundred feet the hero’s scaled form tore up the road in the process. Groaning painfully, the snake coiled his tail as he pulled himself off the ground. Brushing chunks of stone that had caught between his spiked scales and in the grooves of his armor, he looked back happily at the mage.
“Heck yeah, that’s what I’m talking about! I make the perfect hero to your villain, look at how much damage you racked up with your first attack!” Cupping his hands around his mouth, the hero yelled back excitedly to the mage
“No screw you, screw you, screw you I am not a villain!”
“I’m sure there are plenty of people who would argue otherwise,” the old man mouthed off cheekily as he poked his head out the entrance to the guild.
Not helping!” Russo screamed back as he glowered at the guild master.
“Alright then dread villain, now it’s my turn!” Exhaling deeply, the reptile gripped his spear tight as the silver tip began to shimmer. The glow spread down from the metal tip to the pole itself, brilliant and blinding white flames coming to consume its form. His gauntlets seemed to be immune to the oppressive heat radiating off the weapon, their dull black color remaining unchanged even though one would not be chastised for expecting them to have taken on a broiling red color. Startled observers gawked as it seemed the cold blooded hero was being empowered by the overbearing heat generated by his spear, his form beginning to fill out and bulge with muscle as his spiked scales became much larger and pointier.
“YOU DON’T GET A TURN.” Vanishing in a flash of blue light, the buffed up reptile tilted his head this way and that in a panic, the human having disappeared from his sight. His hood spread wide and he reared his head back as the human reappeared right before him, Russo’s fingers covered in frost and wisps of freezing air spilling down from the massive orb of magic barely contained within his hand. A torrent of icicles exploded forth and sank into the snake’s unprotected face and neck. Turning his back to the mage, the snake swatted away frantically at the freezing spears of ice, the reptile’s own weapon having gone cold. The forced and painful drop in body temperature had shattered the hero’s spell and concentration.
“Hey, that’s cheating!” Pulling an icicle that had lodged itself in his cheek, the deflated hero pointed an armored index finger at the mage. “That’s not how this works! You get a turn and then I get a turn, that’s how these things go! You’re breaking the rules.”
Arms draping down uselessly to his side, Russo gawked at the reptile. “You’re fucking serious, aren’t you.”
“It’s a time honored tradition you big jerk! Okay, so now I get two turns. J-just stand still right there and let me hit you…”
“It was a bit of a dick move, you have to admit,” the master called out once more as he cracked open the entrance to the guild.
“Fuck you,” Russo craned his head back and nodded towards the guild, “Fuck you,” he quickly followed up as he chuckled at the snake, “Don’t care.” Tiny twinkles of magic converged upon Russo’s fingertips and took on a yellow hue, arcs of electricity jumping between them and along his palm. Twin bolts of lightning zapped forth from his hands and wrapped around the snake, causing him to convulse painfully and drop his weapon. “Holy crap I feel like such a badass right now,” Russo smirked as the reptile shivered on the ground. “Man I wish people didn’t fight back more often. Makes it a hell of a lot easier to win.”
“You… you truly are evil,” the snake whimpered as the villainous mage loomed over him.
“Hell, if that’s what it takes to get you to leave, fine. Then I’m the jerkiest god damned villain there is.” A smug grin plastered to his face, Russo shrugged nonchalantly as he prepped another spell.
AND THEN THE PREPOSTEROUS DEUS EX MACHINA HAPPENED
“Hey, you scoundrel, that title belongs to me and me alone! Stop horning in on my turf!” A deep staccato voice resonated through the air causing everyone to drop what they were doing and gaze upon its masculine source. Crouched down and starting down from the nearest rooftop was a lithe and debonair mongoose. Black cape flapping in the wind, a face mask covering just his eyes, his sexy deep voice causing women to woo and throw themselves at the building he was perched upon and the snappy blue and black regal attire all came together to scream rogue. The various poison vials and knives hanging from his belt provided some decent hints too.
“You came back!” The snake cried out as tears welled up in his eyes.
“What.”
“Aye, Vargas. I… I came to apologize.” Dipping his head, the mongoose pointed his muzzle down low in shame.
“What.”
“Really? Bairn, do you truly mean that?” Pulling himself off the ground, the snake slithered over towards his former foe.
“Indeed. I made a terrible mistake in spurning your animosity, Vargas. This heart of mine only has room enough in it to hate one person and one person alone. And that special someone… is you. I-I know I may already be too late but… Vargas, would you do me the displeasure of letting me be your nemesis?”
“WHAT.”
“Of course! Nothing could make me surlier!” Wielding his spear once more, the snake bulked up as his weapon became consumed in holy flames.
“Haha, excellent! Come, let us consummate our hatred for one another and fight into the wee hours of the night!” Ripping two knives off his belt, the mongoose leaped down and struck at the reptile’s shoulder, who took his blow in stride as scales were painfully torn from his body.
“Ahhh you fiend! Wait till you taste some of this!” Thrusting his spear forward, the mongoose stood in place and held his knives out in front of him, the metal tip easily shattering them to pieces and searing the fur upon Bairn’s hands off.
“YOU PEOPLE ARE FUCKING INSANE.”
Oblivious to the world around them, Vargas and Bairn fought on ferociously one turn at a time. Entire city blocks burst into flame or were burgled dry by the snake and mongoose respectively as their battle raged forth.
“Not a word,” Russo hissed at the old man and wolf as he stormed back into the guild.
“You’re going to need to think of something creative to tell Jem then when he comes back from his miss-”
“Master, the city is burning!” The rough collie screamed in panic as he kicked open the double door entrance.
“We know, just ask Russo.” Shrugging, the old man nodded towards the mage.
“What did you do?!”
“It’s not my fault!”
“I could see the pillars of smoke from miles away!”
“IT’S NOT MY FAULT!”
So this came about as the result of me not really wanting to work on something plot related but yet at the same time could expand the world setting of Shady Impressions just a teensy bit. That and it something that would be especially stupid and fun to write about. I'm actually amazed I hammered all of this out in a single stream. Those have been really good for my productivity lately.
Note: Icon is © to Bobert
Nemesis Side Story
A tale of two foes eternally locked in battle is one older than society itself. It has existed alongside mortal culture as a staple to storytelling, something so ingrained into the psyche that we take it for granted. Oftentimes most only become aware of it when it is absent. When noticed, some bemoan this lack of conflict and take measures to put this staple of storytelling back in place. While others… well, there are a select few who do make the effort to ensure said conflict never comes to be. This is one of those cases where they weren’t terribly successful.
“Oh mug, you understand me,” Russo cooed to his empty drink as he rubbed the frosted glass against his cheek. “Everyone just drains you dry of everything you have, griping and moaning that you can’t give them more. God we have so much in common.” Flumping forward onto the counter, Russo rested his chin against the liquor stained hardwood and wrapped his arms around his mug. “Oh let’s see there’s the old man, there’s Dax, Jem, Dark, Nadie, whoever else it is I’ve wronged or rendered homeless in the past, there’s always someone wanting something from me! Though… wait. Most of that is my fault in the first place.” Furrowing his brows, the human banged his empty glass against the counter loudly as he yelled out for another drink. He was still thinking rationally and logically. There was nowhere near enough alcohol in his system yet. Eyes glazing over as he watched a pale brown liquid fill his vessel, he licked his lips as the cream white foam spilled over the top and snaked down the sides. “Ohhhhhhh yes,” he grinned to himself as he brought up the glass overflowing with the cause and solution to most of life’s problems to his lips. A stinging slap against his back caused the mage’s grip to slip, the smooth container fumbling in his hands and tilting towards him, spilling precious booze all over his lap. “The hell!?” Whipping his head to the side, Russo glared at the hooded snake swaying behind him.
His chest outfitted with green plated armor engraved with regal silver crests and steel gauntlets fitted around his scaled hands, the pale yellow brown reptile gave off quite the heroic air. That also happened to be strongly laced with the smell of alcohol. The silver spear slung across his back bopped against the top of his broad hood while he struggled to maintain balance. Falling forward, the snake rested his chin on Russo’s chest. Sticking out his forked tongue and hissing softly, Russo’s anger quickly dissipated to discomfort as he awkwardly pushed the reptile away. “Ssssssssorry about that,” he blurted out as his head bobbed to and fro.
“Don’t mention it,” the human grated out as he turned his attention back towards his half empty cup and swished it around. Ignoring the moist feeling of spilled beer soaking through his shirt he let out a sigh as he brought what remained of his drink back up to his lips. Drinking deeply from his mug, Russo’s gulps came to a halt as he caught side of the snake in his peripheral vision. Just sitting there. Staring at him. Eyes dancing back and forth from one side of his head to the other he continued to take slow nervous swallows as the snake watched on. “C-can I help you with something?” Russo inquired hesitantly as he set his once more empty glass down upon the counter.
“No no, just passing through,” the snakey replied as he gave the human a dopey fanged smile.
“Oooooooookay.” Tapping his fingers against the counter, the mage looked over his unwanted drinking buddy as the reptile continued to just stare at him goofily. “You’re sure?”
“Yyyup.”
“Positive?”
“Mmhmmm.”
“Absolutely certain?”
“Yessssssssssss. Wait, I mean noooooooooo.” Flopping forward, the broad snake wrapped his arms around the mage and began sobbing quietly.
“Oh God this is getting weird.” Russo grumbled beneath his breath as he tried to delicately unwrap the spiked scaly arms wrapped around him. No luck.
“Nobody underssssssstandssssssss,” he moaned into Russo’s chest as his snout poked into the mage. Pushing away at the snakey much less delicately, the well-known guild member began to attract a fair deal of attention. Lurching towards the door, the snake clung tight to Russo as his scaly form was slowly dragged along the dirty floor.
“Please let me remain amongst the ill-informed,” the human pleaded as he struggled to reach for the door.
“Ohhhh it all started last month after our last skirmish,” the reptile wailed as he recounted his sordid tale.
“Annnnnnnd you’re going to tell me anyway, fantastic.” Easing the door open with great difficulty, Russo staggered outside. The majority of his unwanted and incredibly clingy guest remained inside, his long smooth tail flitting about on the grimy floor. Slamming the door repeatedly on the snake proved to be a negligible deterrent.
“We’ve been locked in battle with one another for yearsssssssss now, always crossing knife and spear wherever we meet. But then suddenly, right after last time do you, do you know what he said to me?”
“No and I don’t want to know,” Russo yelled as he continued slamming the door on him.
“He said he found someone NEWWWWWWWW to fight and that it was time to move on. Some young upstart little ass burglar stole my nemesis away from me!”
“Fuck no. No. No. No no no I am not getting involved with this, I want absolutely nothing to do with this.”
“He was MYYYYYY NEMESIS,” the snake drunkenly slurred as he tapped a hand against his chest. “I hated him and he hated me, that was how it was supposed to be! Then he j-just ditches me for some young and dashy hero who thinks he’s all high and mighty. We had something special, I tellsssssssssss you! Every time I thought about him it would fill me with vengeanccccccccccce and I thought I did the same for him!”
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?”
“I know, right? We were foes for years, why would he leave me like that all of a sudden? Did I become boring to fight, o-or-”
“NO I mean you’re complaining that some guy doesn’t want to kill you anymore! Christ you people are insane, gahhh freaking wandering heroes!”
“What kind of person callsssssss himself a hero when he doesssssn’t have a nemesis? You look strong, you’sssssss a big shot mage, right? Be my nemesis, pleassssssssssssssssssssssssssssse,” manly tears dripping down his snout, the snake clung to Russo pathetically as he pleaded with him.
“FUCK NO.” Concentrating long enough to gather the required magic at his fingertips the mage teleported out of his grasp, reappearing a few feet in front of the reptile.
“Pleasssssssssseeee,” the snakey sobbed as he slithered out towards Russo, the human backing away frantically as everything got way too weird way too fast.
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh get away from me!” Russo screeched as turned tail and bolted back towards the Tedrah guild, the ditched and desperate hero nipping at his heels. Boots slamming down loudly against the cobblestone streets, it boggled the human’s mind how fast that bastard was able to move without having legs! Barely managing to keep ahead of his pursuer even as he teleported here and there, the mage somehow was able to burst inside the Tedrah guild with enough time to spare to slam the doors shut behind him, locking them just in time for the reptile to start pounding on them.
“Nobody wantsssssss to fight meeeeeeee…” the hero bemoaned as he slid against the door and onto the stone steps.
Heart pounding, the mage panted heavily as he clutched at his chest. “Oh man, oh man, I thought I was going to get dragged down into that bullshit for sure. Whew!” Collapsing into a heap, Russo wiped an arm against his forehead as he sighed in relief.
“Something the matter, Russo?” Dax arfed as he timidly approached the human. His paws padded back a foot or so each time the snake bopped his head against the door, jostling it noticeably.
“Uhhh… ehhhh… kind of sort of maybe. It should blow over soon enough though.” A dragged out groan slipped through from right outside the door.
“It sounds like someone is hurt!” A look of worry etched into his soft furry face, the wolf quickly reached for the lock, only to have Russo’s hand wrap around his wrist in a vice grip.
“They’re fine, just a little drunk and plenty stupid.”
“Fight meeeeeeeeee,” the reptile begged as he dug his armored fingers into the door and dragged himself up the steps.
“NO, GO AWAY.” Russo screamed in exasperation as he smacked a fist against the door.
“He… wants you to fight him? Why?” Arching a brow, Dax tiptoed towards a window and took a peek at the disheveled slob out front.
“Because he’s an idiot, that’s why. Jem gave you a lecture about those wandering heroes, right?” Running a hand through his hair, the human tried to brush away the locks that had matted against his sweaty forehead.
‘They’re the ones who like to steal stuff that isn’t nailed down or tossed behind a locked door, right?”
“You got it. The whole kleptomaniac thing isn’t the only reason why they’re hated so much. They also tend to attract all kinds of equally challenged villain types. You know, the kinds that go into long winded monologues about their dastardly and overly convoluted plans that make little to no sense.” Twirling his hand about in a circle, Russo continued to elaborate. “Honestly, I think most of those villains pop up just for the attention it brings them. Even if it is just to be hated as much as the heroes, at least people notice them. Oh Lord and as soon as one butts heads with a hero or group of em’ everything just goes downhill for everyone else from there.” Shaking his head, Russo smacked a palm against his forehead.
“Why’s that?” Dax further inquired as he pressed his nose against the glass and continued observing the snake making a fool of himself.
“Those jackasses tend to be foes for life once they antagonize each other and they just obsess over one another to the point where... well, n-never mind. Regardless, when those overpowered idiots start clashing everything around them turns to rubble. Oh OH and of course they have to duke it out in the middle of a city, not somewhere out in the boonies or far away from civilization. Assholes probably think that people fleeing from their destruction adds to the ambience.” Waving his fingers about, Russo’s face scrunched together as his tone seeped with disgust.
“Do those wandering heroes do any good at all?” Tilting his head to the side, he watched on in wonderment as the reptile rolled about in street.
“I… huh. Actually, I have no idea. I’ve always just assumed that since the world hasn’t ended multiple times over they must be doing something right. Preventing a cataclysm here, stopping an evil warlord there, so on and so forth. Now that I think about it though, do the heroes comes about as a result of those bombastic villains or is the other way around? Huh.” Scratching at his head the mage pondered for some time, unable to come to a satisfactory conclusion.
“Even if they are big jerks he still seems awfully sad.” Whining softly, the wolf could hardly stand to keep watching the pitiable display.
“You better not say what I think you’re gonna say,” Russo grimaced as he rose to his feet.
“Would it really be that bad to get into a scrum with him? Just beat him up a little and send him on his way?”
“Dax, were you paying attention AT ALL? If I pick a fight with him, I’m going to be stuck with him for life. That slippery bastard is going to hound me to tussle with him for as long as I live and will never leave me alone until I break down and comply. Oh let’s put some thought into it. La di la di la here I am out on a mission not fucking things up for once and BAM time to fight. B-but I’m in the middle of a super important mission NOPE LET’S BRAWL. Doot de doot de doo sitting in my room reading some tomes and HOLY SHIT THERE GOES THE FRONT OF MY HOUSE. Welp, looks like it’s time to trade punches again, of course I have absolutely no say in scheduling these things. Bloop bloop bloo getting ready to take a good long piss and silly me, here I was thinking I could have a moment’s peace. And oh hey there goes half the fucking building. WOAH NOW THERE’S NO TIME TO CATER TO BODILY FUNCTIONS. PULL UP YOUR PANTS, WE GOT BUSINESS TO DO. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. NOW NOW NOW. That’s what my life would be like, and it would suck.”
“Well what can we do then?”
“Just ignore him, he’ll leave eventually.” Pulling at his sticky tunic, Russo stuck out tongue as he wandered towards the back. “Get some sleep for now Dax, I’m sure he’ll have cleared out by morning.” Bidding the wolf a quick wave, the mage disappeared back into the guest rooms.
THE NEXT DAY
“He’s still there isn’t he?” Russo inquired irritably as he came up behind Dax, the pudgy wolf’s nose smooshed against a window pane, every breath fogging it up.
“Uh huh.”
“He’s got to slither on out of here sooner or later, don’t you worry.”
“Are you saying that to reassure me or yourself?” Tail wagging slowly, the wolf giggled as he heard the human grunt.
“You shush,” he grumbled as the mage slowly came up behind the wolf and dared to cast an ogle.
----THE NEXT NEXT DAY----
“It’s been two days. He’ll die from dehydration soon, won’t he? Right?” Russo asked aloud worriedly as he pressed his face against the window right along with Dax.
“Wait is he still drunk?” The fluffy mage in training asked in astonishment as he peered at the snakey flopping about.
THE DAY AFTER THAT
“OH COME ON,” Russo screamed in frustration as he glared out at the snake flitting about on the street out front for the third day in a row, wary passersby stepping over him and shooting him strange looks. “Who keeps giving him booze?!” Nearly pushing the window pane out of place, Russo pointed a finger accusingly at the growing pile of mugs and barrels of wine that had accumulated next to the scaly wreck. “And why isn’t he dead from alcohol poisoning yet?”
----I’VE RUN OUT OF TRANSITIONS----
“That does it. I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna kill him and be rid of him. Otherwise he will plague me for the rest of my life. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t even leave the guild hall! He HAS to go.”
“Out of the question,” the old man curtly declared as he stood before Russo.
“Well what else am I supposed to do?!”
“Russo, have you ever noticed that those hackneyed heroes and villains always tend to be evenly matched? How else do you explain the fact they are able to duke it out for so long and so often, yet they never seem to kill each other.”
“Your point?” Shaking, the human clenched his fists together as magic seethed forth from his fingertips.
“You don’t need to kill him. Just beat him down so badly, make the fight so lopsided, that you utterly crush his spirit in the process and scare him off from ever setting foot here again.”
“I like that plan.” Grinning manically, Russo bounced up and down.
“Ugh, I really wish I hadn’t sent Jem out on that mission the other day. He’d be able to beat some sense back into you with that moral compass of his.” Rolling his eyes, the master unlocked the front door to the guild. Moments later, Russo rushed out into the crowded street and smiled down menacingly at the perpetually drunk reptile.
“Fight meeeeeeee,” the snake pleaded one last time as he reached out towards Russo.
“If it’s a fight you want, it’s a fight you’ll get.” Swirls of magic coalescing in his palms, a multitude of magical orbs sprung forth in his hands. Each one crackling with energy, they all looked to be straining to contain the power contained inside them.
“You mean it?!” Clasping his hands together, the snake sprung to life and twirled about in place.
“No. NO. STOP BEING HAPPY.”
“Eeeeeeeeeeee I have a new nemesis.” Sticking out his forked tongue, the heroic snake magically shook off his hangover and wiggled about in place happily.
“QUIT THAT.”
“Eeee,” He hissed much more quietly as he pulled his spear off his back and smiled giddily as he pointed it at Russo. “Ready when you are, nemesis!”
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” Screaming mindlessly, Russo could contain his insanity no longer. Thrusting both his hands forward, a multitude of orbs surged forth towards the reptile and exploded on impact with his armor, blasting the snake backwards with obscene force. Skidding along the cobblestone roads for nearly a hundred feet the hero’s scaled form tore up the road in the process. Groaning painfully, the snake coiled his tail as he pulled himself off the ground. Brushing chunks of stone that had caught between his spiked scales and in the grooves of his armor, he looked back happily at the mage.
“Heck yeah, that’s what I’m talking about! I make the perfect hero to your villain, look at how much damage you racked up with your first attack!” Cupping his hands around his mouth, the hero yelled back excitedly to the mage
“No screw you, screw you, screw you I am not a villain!”
“I’m sure there are plenty of people who would argue otherwise,” the old man mouthed off cheekily as he poked his head out the entrance to the guild.
Not helping!” Russo screamed back as he glowered at the guild master.
“Alright then dread villain, now it’s my turn!” Exhaling deeply, the reptile gripped his spear tight as the silver tip began to shimmer. The glow spread down from the metal tip to the pole itself, brilliant and blinding white flames coming to consume its form. His gauntlets seemed to be immune to the oppressive heat radiating off the weapon, their dull black color remaining unchanged even though one would not be chastised for expecting them to have taken on a broiling red color. Startled observers gawked as it seemed the cold blooded hero was being empowered by the overbearing heat generated by his spear, his form beginning to fill out and bulge with muscle as his spiked scales became much larger and pointier.
“YOU DON’T GET A TURN.” Vanishing in a flash of blue light, the buffed up reptile tilted his head this way and that in a panic, the human having disappeared from his sight. His hood spread wide and he reared his head back as the human reappeared right before him, Russo’s fingers covered in frost and wisps of freezing air spilling down from the massive orb of magic barely contained within his hand. A torrent of icicles exploded forth and sank into the snake’s unprotected face and neck. Turning his back to the mage, the snake swatted away frantically at the freezing spears of ice, the reptile’s own weapon having gone cold. The forced and painful drop in body temperature had shattered the hero’s spell and concentration.
“Hey, that’s cheating!” Pulling an icicle that had lodged itself in his cheek, the deflated hero pointed an armored index finger at the mage. “That’s not how this works! You get a turn and then I get a turn, that’s how these things go! You’re breaking the rules.”
Arms draping down uselessly to his side, Russo gawked at the reptile. “You’re fucking serious, aren’t you.”
“It’s a time honored tradition you big jerk! Okay, so now I get two turns. J-just stand still right there and let me hit you…”
“It was a bit of a dick move, you have to admit,” the master called out once more as he cracked open the entrance to the guild.
“Fuck you,” Russo craned his head back and nodded towards the guild, “Fuck you,” he quickly followed up as he chuckled at the snake, “Don’t care.” Tiny twinkles of magic converged upon Russo’s fingertips and took on a yellow hue, arcs of electricity jumping between them and along his palm. Twin bolts of lightning zapped forth from his hands and wrapped around the snake, causing him to convulse painfully and drop his weapon. “Holy crap I feel like such a badass right now,” Russo smirked as the reptile shivered on the ground. “Man I wish people didn’t fight back more often. Makes it a hell of a lot easier to win.”
“You… you truly are evil,” the snake whimpered as the villainous mage loomed over him.
“Hell, if that’s what it takes to get you to leave, fine. Then I’m the jerkiest god damned villain there is.” A smug grin plastered to his face, Russo shrugged nonchalantly as he prepped another spell.
AND THEN THE PREPOSTEROUS DEUS EX MACHINA HAPPENED
“Hey, you scoundrel, that title belongs to me and me alone! Stop horning in on my turf!” A deep staccato voice resonated through the air causing everyone to drop what they were doing and gaze upon its masculine source. Crouched down and starting down from the nearest rooftop was a lithe and debonair mongoose. Black cape flapping in the wind, a face mask covering just his eyes, his sexy deep voice causing women to woo and throw themselves at the building he was perched upon and the snappy blue and black regal attire all came together to scream rogue. The various poison vials and knives hanging from his belt provided some decent hints too.
“You came back!” The snake cried out as tears welled up in his eyes.
“What.”
“Aye, Vargas. I… I came to apologize.” Dipping his head, the mongoose pointed his muzzle down low in shame.
“What.”
“Really? Bairn, do you truly mean that?” Pulling himself off the ground, the snake slithered over towards his former foe.
“Indeed. I made a terrible mistake in spurning your animosity, Vargas. This heart of mine only has room enough in it to hate one person and one person alone. And that special someone… is you. I-I know I may already be too late but… Vargas, would you do me the displeasure of letting me be your nemesis?”
“WHAT.”
“Of course! Nothing could make me surlier!” Wielding his spear once more, the snake bulked up as his weapon became consumed in holy flames.
“Haha, excellent! Come, let us consummate our hatred for one another and fight into the wee hours of the night!” Ripping two knives off his belt, the mongoose leaped down and struck at the reptile’s shoulder, who took his blow in stride as scales were painfully torn from his body.
“Ahhh you fiend! Wait till you taste some of this!” Thrusting his spear forward, the mongoose stood in place and held his knives out in front of him, the metal tip easily shattering them to pieces and searing the fur upon Bairn’s hands off.
“YOU PEOPLE ARE FUCKING INSANE.”
Oblivious to the world around them, Vargas and Bairn fought on ferociously one turn at a time. Entire city blocks burst into flame or were burgled dry by the snake and mongoose respectively as their battle raged forth.
“Not a word,” Russo hissed at the old man and wolf as he stormed back into the guild.
“You’re going to need to think of something creative to tell Jem then when he comes back from his miss-”
“Master, the city is burning!” The rough collie screamed in panic as he kicked open the double door entrance.
“We know, just ask Russo.” Shrugging, the old man nodded towards the mage.
“What did you do?!”
“It’s not my fault!”
“I could see the pillars of smoke from miles away!”
“IT’S NOT MY FAULT!”
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 112px
File Size 25.6 kB
Listed in Folders
As a game designer, I can't help but wonder how different this setting would be if "wandering heroes" with an RPG format were ever fleshed out from a coding perspective. Such as NPC characters (Russo, random civilians, ect) being completely immune to damage from a hero's attacks, heroes being frozen in place if there is dialog in their vicinity because for them the game pauses when text appears on screen, heroes being completely incapable of opening locked chests or doors because they weren't specifically programed to be able to, and all act under the assumption that if it's an object they can interact with or a task they can preform (meaning someone purposefully coded for that action or item) then it MUST in some way be useful. That last one would be all the funnier if said assumption was correct, and poor Russo's bedsheets and dresser were vital in saving a school of orphans from a rampaging Kraken. I can just imagine Russo and Jem interacting with a wandering hero who isn't oblivious to the reality inherit to their surroundings.
Hmm ... I should save that idea for a writing project of my own one of these days. Just seeing the different perspectives collide, one that views their world as real and the other that views it as a set of challenges a team of programers devised, would be interesting in it's own right. How would any random guild member react if they fallowed a group of heroes and saw a set of armor, some gold, and a rusted sword, magically appear over the corpse of a few flowers they stepped on. Worse still in that none of the heroes would think to question it, that's just how the physical laws of existence work for them.
Come to think of it ... I'm also curious as to why there don't seem to be many people sending these heroes on side missions. Or ... maybe THIS is why NPCs keep sending us off to find twenty bear asses every time we talk to them. A not too subtle, but highly effective means of keeping us players out of their hair?
Hmm ... I should save that idea for a writing project of my own one of these days. Just seeing the different perspectives collide, one that views their world as real and the other that views it as a set of challenges a team of programers devised, would be interesting in it's own right. How would any random guild member react if they fallowed a group of heroes and saw a set of armor, some gold, and a rusted sword, magically appear over the corpse of a few flowers they stepped on. Worse still in that none of the heroes would think to question it, that's just how the physical laws of existence work for them.
Come to think of it ... I'm also curious as to why there don't seem to be many people sending these heroes on side missions. Or ... maybe THIS is why NPCs keep sending us off to find twenty bear asses every time we talk to them. A not too subtle, but highly effective means of keeping us players out of their hair?
I like the way you think. That brings up a great deal many more quirks that would be a blast to touch upon and devote an entire story to! I'll admit, you've put a great deal more thought into the topic than I have or likely would have. Poking at the mechanics of RPGs themselves sounds like a subject ripe with comedic content if it was approached correctly.
Seeing as how my story only pokes at them every now and then, I think it's unlikely I'll find myself going into such detail when lampooning them. Should you ever really dig into it though, I'd love to see what you can come up with! For now though, I think I'll make liberal use of the legendary item idea.
Say poor Russo comes home to find his mattress up and gone. Worry not frustrated mage, for yours is one of seven legendary mattresses. Once they have been gathered together, they will combine to form the comfiest mattress in the land! With it, the brave heroes will coax the dark lord of something or other into taking a nap. So comfortable is the mattress that the vanilla villain of the week will slumber for eternity, their reign of evil brought to an anticlimactic end. Peace and prosperity will spread throughout the kingdom, all the while Russo shall bitch and moan about losing his awesome sleeping arrangements. The mage's shoulders sag heavily as he dwells on the terrible price that was paid to secure such peace. A price he sure as shit wouldn't have paid if he had any say in it.
Seeing as how my story only pokes at them every now and then, I think it's unlikely I'll find myself going into such detail when lampooning them. Should you ever really dig into it though, I'd love to see what you can come up with! For now though, I think I'll make liberal use of the legendary item idea.
Say poor Russo comes home to find his mattress up and gone. Worry not frustrated mage, for yours is one of seven legendary mattresses. Once they have been gathered together, they will combine to form the comfiest mattress in the land! With it, the brave heroes will coax the dark lord of something or other into taking a nap. So comfortable is the mattress that the vanilla villain of the week will slumber for eternity, their reign of evil brought to an anticlimactic end. Peace and prosperity will spread throughout the kingdom, all the while Russo shall bitch and moan about losing his awesome sleeping arrangements. The mage's shoulders sag heavily as he dwells on the terrible price that was paid to secure such peace. A price he sure as shit wouldn't have paid if he had any say in it.
I’ve got a few too many projects on my plate as it is to write anything down in a timely manner, so it’s just a basic idea I’m going to set aside for later. But if you’re interested, someone already has made an epic story out of video game tropes in such a manner.
http://kidradd.muddasheep.com/kidra.....aume/index.htm
It starts off slow to set the pacing and the plot is very dialog heavy, but it becomes exponentially more entertaining the further into the story you go. Especially after the main character is sent to prison inside a Microsoft spreadsheet, and the subsequent breakout. Just the way it mixes interaction between video game characters from different genres, or how simple bugs or laziness on a programmer’s part can have devastating consequences. A platforming action character muddling his way through an earthbound style RPG is just as hilarious as it sounds ... until he gets into combat with the 'hero' and realizes he can't move, can't dodge, deals one point of damage per normal attack, has three hit points, and the hero in question has roughly three hundred. And all deaths are final if you leave your original game.
It’s heavy on the comedy, heavier on the drama, and doesn’t pull it’s punches when the action picks up and the animated gifs start coming into play. It’s also one of the reasons I love the Tropes and Idioms wiki, for I never would have discovered this gem if the Wiki didn’t have a link to it.
Last thing to note, I just now realized that you have more chapters on Macrophile than you do here, so I’m off to finish reading.
http://kidradd.muddasheep.com/kidra.....aume/index.htm
It starts off slow to set the pacing and the plot is very dialog heavy, but it becomes exponentially more entertaining the further into the story you go. Especially after the main character is sent to prison inside a Microsoft spreadsheet, and the subsequent breakout. Just the way it mixes interaction between video game characters from different genres, or how simple bugs or laziness on a programmer’s part can have devastating consequences. A platforming action character muddling his way through an earthbound style RPG is just as hilarious as it sounds ... until he gets into combat with the 'hero' and realizes he can't move, can't dodge, deals one point of damage per normal attack, has three hit points, and the hero in question has roughly three hundred. And all deaths are final if you leave your original game.
It’s heavy on the comedy, heavier on the drama, and doesn’t pull it’s punches when the action picks up and the animated gifs start coming into play. It’s also one of the reasons I love the Tropes and Idioms wiki, for I never would have discovered this gem if the Wiki didn’t have a link to it.
Last thing to note, I just now realized that you have more chapters on Macrophile than you do here, so I’m off to finish reading.
Ooh thanks for the link! Sounds like something I'd love to sink my teeth into. Also, just due to some funky naming conventions that I haven't sorted out, my Macrophile forum and FA account are both at the exact same place. SI 28 on my FA account contains Chapter 32 inside it. It makes no sense, I know. I really should edit the titles of the submissions to clear up any confusion. I did update on Macrophile earlier today, but I also uploaded the new chapter here on FA too. Macrophile only tends to have one chapter more than my FA account for all of an hour or two or so. If you'd prefer to read it here you can!
Comments