Oh this was just to darned good... and just in time for Halloween!

V.

Thank you, vixyy. :) You're too kind.

haha nice ^_^

Thanks.

While the opening really caught my attention, I think this falls short of the mark. I could go into detail, if you're open to critique.

Definitely. I love critiques. :)
Falls short of the mark? Ouch...sounds serious.

The main problem I see is that paragraph where we're told that Mr. Powell is telling his story. It's unbelievably unfair. Given that I have no idea what his story is, how he's telling it, or what even happened, the main character's transformation at the end is completely meaningless. Show, don't tell, is the writer's credo, and this is a greivous example of when that adage most needs applied. We need to hear this story ourselves, to see the reason why this man took the time to return from the dead and show up in this woman's living room after 25 years.

That's my main concern, as I said, this one is more minor and personal. That opening paragraph, with its somewhat flip tone, really set me up to expect a very lighthearted, perhaps darkly humorous, story. Which this isn't. Maybe just consider that something to think about.

I'd agree with both points. The main character's apology didn't feel sincere to me because I hadn't had a chance to really see, or feel, what she was apologizing for. And, I was expecting more humor, too, from the opening tone, and how it plays up the absurdity of the situation.

I really like the concept, and (no pun intended), I'd like to see it fleshed out more, to show more of Powell's personality and give the reader more of an emotional connection to him (and to the main character).

Indeed, indeed; if I didn't make it clear in my first post, this is a good concept, I agree with poetigress on that. :)

Yeah...I wasn't thinking much about structure when I wrote this story. It was a writing exercise so I was kind of just putting down whatever came to me. Plus I was on a deadline and by the time I got to Mr. Powel's story, my time was almost up. Show, don't tell. Ah yes, I'm familiar with that and I always try carefully to do that in my more developed. pieces. The critiques here are excellent. Thanks much to each of you. :) Hm...what if I just took out Mr. Powel's story altogether? Leave it at the tricks she and her brother used to play on him? Very lighthearted or perhaps darkly humorous...do you have any suggestions for how I can make it into one of those, TakeWalker? What should I add or take out to accomplish the effect? Thanks again for the helpful comments.

Well, I'll go off of poetigress' comment below: taking out the story (and I can understand now why you didn't put it in in the first place) will change the tone, and might in fact be a good way to set up a more lighthearted peace.

All I can really think to say is try it both ways. Save a second copy, take the story out, see if you can play around to make something lighthearted and a little silly. When I first started reading, I read the tone as, "Oh, gee, there's a corpse on my couch, ha ha, and it's talking in my head, hee hee hee!" Y'know, she's going a little nuts because of the weirdness inherent in the situation. Your main character's mood is going to set a lot of the stage for this type of thing, and don't be afraid to make everything a little goofy or over-the-top; after all, you've got a janitor coming physically back (not just in spirit form!) 25 years later to irritate this woman and wrench an apology from her. And why did he wait 25 years, anyway?

Thank you for the comment, poetigress. Ah, I've never been very good at evoking emotional connections. I definitely need more practice. More humor after the opening tone? I know mine isn't always great but I must really be in trouble if my attempts at it aren't even recognized as such. lol. :) What do you think I could to to add more humor?

It would probably be easiest if it came through Powel's personality. One problem is that he's basically a corpse, and it's hard to do much with a character who just lies there motionless and only has a voice to communicate with -- you miss out on body language and mannerisms. It might be funny to have him lying there at first, and then have him move -- maybe he's just resting his eyes when she sees him first. :)

Incidentally, I saw your comment to TakeWalker about taking out Powel's story altogether... keep in mind that would change the story's tone completely. If you just leave it where Powel's showing up is just to get a humorous revenge on her for the tricks they played, that's a story that will leave the reader smiling. If you keep his story in, then the whole thing goes a little deeper, more into Powel as a person, and how we judge those we don't know by their appearances and stations in life, which is something more to leave the reader thinking about. Either one could be an excellent story, but you'll have to choose which one you're going for.

Enjoyable concept and a good read ... while agreeing quietly with my two learned friends overhead. Very good punchline and I particularly liked the 'un-beating heart.' Very punny.
:)

Nice to welcome a fellow writer, hello i am blackcita. Very nice work, quite impressed, and i am not easily impressed. :3

Well thank you, blackcita. :) I hope my stuff can keep you interested.

I'm sure it will! :)