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So, finally after several months of ignoring it, delaying it, being without motivation, I finished the fourth chapter of my series the Time traveller.
Sorry to all you dedicaed fans out there. *Blushes* I promise to write faster from now on.
If you find my story was quite pleasing to read - please leave a comment.
And like in the previous chapters - if you find something that about my writing style (grammar, repeating mistakes, and and and ) please tell me. I really want to improve myself.
Please also tell me if the story here got a bit too boring for you, I know there are a lot of parts in there now, that just describe the current situation of the world Matt and Syrren are living.
Sorry to all you dedicaed fans out there. *Blushes* I promise to write faster from now on.
If you find my story was quite pleasing to read - please leave a comment.
And like in the previous chapters - if you find something that about my writing style (grammar, repeating mistakes, and and and ) please tell me. I really want to improve myself.
Please also tell me if the story here got a bit too boring for you, I know there are a lot of parts in there now, that just describe the current situation of the world Matt and Syrren are living.
Category Story / General Furry Art
Species Western Dragon
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 139.1 kB
Listed in Folders
Thanks for finally updating! :P I really enjoyed getting to continue reading this series from you.
Now time for some rare criticism. This isn't too big of a deal for me, but I thought I'd point it out since I see it so frequently in your writing.
A snip from a sentence in your story: "which did mostly show pure facts."
The usage of the word "did" is awkward here. Instead of using the past tense of some words, you substitute it by using the word "did" in a lot of your sentences.
It would read better like this: "which mostly showed pure facts."
See how I took out the word "did" and used the past tense of "show" ?
Here are some more examples in snippets of your sentences along with my corrections.
Your sentence: But unlike the last times when the film did start nearly instantaneously
Corrected: But unlike the last times when the film started nearly instantaneously
Your sentence: The blue dragon did sit up straight and brought his hands
Corrected: The blue dragon sat up straight and brought his hands
Your sentence: He pressed the button several on the screen times with his finger but nothing did change
Corrected: He pressed the button on the screen several times with his finger but nothing changed
Your sentence: I thought Matt did download everything
Corrected: I thought Matt downloaded everything
Your sentence: SORRY, THE DOWNLOAD DID STOP WHEN THE HARDRIVE'S CAPACITY
Corrected: SORRY, THE DOWNLOAD STOPPED WHEN THE HARDRIVE'S CAPACITY
These are just the first few examples I found as I reread the first parts of your story to find them.
It's a tad distracting to read the sentences like that, but it isn't TOO big of a deal for me.
I still enjoy your story and hope you update more often. ^^
Now time for some rare criticism. This isn't too big of a deal for me, but I thought I'd point it out since I see it so frequently in your writing.
A snip from a sentence in your story: "which did mostly show pure facts."
The usage of the word "did" is awkward here. Instead of using the past tense of some words, you substitute it by using the word "did" in a lot of your sentences.
It would read better like this: "which mostly showed pure facts."
See how I took out the word "did" and used the past tense of "show" ?
Here are some more examples in snippets of your sentences along with my corrections.
Your sentence: But unlike the last times when the film did start nearly instantaneously
Corrected: But unlike the last times when the film started nearly instantaneously
Your sentence: The blue dragon did sit up straight and brought his hands
Corrected: The blue dragon sat up straight and brought his hands
Your sentence: He pressed the button several on the screen times with his finger but nothing did change
Corrected: He pressed the button on the screen several times with his finger but nothing changed
Your sentence: I thought Matt did download everything
Corrected: I thought Matt downloaded everything
Your sentence: SORRY, THE DOWNLOAD DID STOP WHEN THE HARDRIVE'S CAPACITY
Corrected: SORRY, THE DOWNLOAD STOPPED WHEN THE HARDRIVE'S CAPACITY
These are just the first few examples I found as I reread the first parts of your story to find them.
It's a tad distracting to read the sentences like that, but it isn't TOO big of a deal for me.
I still enjoy your story and hope you update more often. ^^
phew....just finished reading this chapter.....lemme tell you friend, there are far and few between stories that i've come across that honestly make me almost afraid to keep reading, but at the same time too intrigued to stop. there's a helluva lot of thought it seems that's been put into the story in its entirety so far and i can honestly say i anxiously await the next chapter ^^
I make you afraid to read my stories? Wow...that is...well I don't know how I feel about that. Is it because of the length, too many details, too many parts where I just tell things without saying something essential? Please tell me, so I can maybe change it later. And I really hope to post the next chapter much sooner than this here, nine months between two chapters is way too long.
OH! Its not from anything wrong with the story XD. With so much detail, for me this story really pulls me into its world, for lack of better description. When I'm really settled in reading something, or playing a well made immersive game, stuff in or about the situation affects me a lot more. There have been stories that try to throw the "horrors of the world" card, and fail from my perspective, cause there's not enough setup, not enough reader investment gained, ya see? ^^
I feel exactly the same way, if there is a game or a book, I also want to konw at least a little bit of the background, how it happened, why it happened, who was involved and all that stuff. That is also why I posted the world map, so if people get curious about the series, they can have a look at it, and also ask specific questions about it, maybe what would have happened in their country.
This is awesome Matt. You're such a great writer honey It's always wow for me how you can describe the emotions of Matt and Syrren. i said it before, it's very rare that stories touch me emotional, but you always make it hun
But when I read your stories I'm also afraid. Afraid of that all this can become real
But when I read your stories I'm also afraid. Afraid of that all this can become real
So, I've gone and read everything, (and posted here like you asked me to :) ), and I find it all to be endlessly fascinating!
Ignoring the fact that it needs little work on repairing a few syntax and grammatical errors, you really have an absolut gem of a story here! And very vivid too! Especially when Matt was showing Syrren the news foorage. I could almost see in my minds eye Berlin under attack (and it really is something different to make the U.S. out to be the bad guys...not something you see very often).
And I know most people complain if the story is very long, but I have to say, I enjoy a lenghty story (because normally when I finish, I wish there was more, so the longer the better I always say).
Oh, but how I do seriously wanna see something more grow between Matt and Syrren!
The only real question I have is (and this may sound rather silly) but is the immediant setting of the story set in France?
Ignoring the fact that it needs little work on repairing a few syntax and grammatical errors, you really have an absolut gem of a story here! And very vivid too! Especially when Matt was showing Syrren the news foorage. I could almost see in my minds eye Berlin under attack (and it really is something different to make the U.S. out to be the bad guys...not something you see very often).
And I know most people complain if the story is very long, but I have to say, I enjoy a lenghty story (because normally when I finish, I wish there was more, so the longer the better I always say).
Oh, but how I do seriously wanna see something more grow between Matt and Syrren!
The only real question I have is (and this may sound rather silly) but is the immediant setting of the story set in France?
Thanks for such a long comment. ^.=.^
Yeah, I thought that is was somehow too stereotyped with America being the good guy. You can never tell what happens in the future, so I guess it also possible that something like that might happen, although I hope not.
And thanks that you enjoyed the long chapter, in fact I was worried a bit about this one here, since there is a great deal just explanation and not so much of a plot.
Hehe, well for the relationship between Matt and Syrren...just wait and see. ^.=.^
For the setting of the story, well, I don't really wanna define where it is playing, it could play anywhere in the European Alps. So it is up for you to decided where it should play. ^.=.^
Yeah, I thought that is was somehow too stereotyped with America being the good guy. You can never tell what happens in the future, so I guess it also possible that something like that might happen, although I hope not.
And thanks that you enjoyed the long chapter, in fact I was worried a bit about this one here, since there is a great deal just explanation and not so much of a plot.
Hehe, well for the relationship between Matt and Syrren...just wait and see. ^.=.^
For the setting of the story, well, I don't really wanna define where it is playing, it could play anywhere in the European Alps. So it is up for you to decided where it should play. ^.=.^
Hehe, just wait the intimate scenes will come eventually. But Syrren is a very shy dragon so it will take some time. ^^
Hehe, thanks, took my quite some time and brain work to write it. Dunno if you have seen it, but I also got some pics, that illustrates some scenes of the story.
Hehe, thanks, took my quite some time and brain work to write it. Dunno if you have seen it, but I also got some pics, that illustrates some scenes of the story.
I really like it. Not many stories keep my attention for very long, but this one is of a good quality. The first three chapters were really good. This one was a little bit drawn out because it went into such great detail. The story is unpredictable, which is good, so I am looking forward to what happens next. I am mostly wanting to know why the dragon skipped a few hundred years.
One thing that confused me is why Syrren couldn't crawl out of the cave in anthro form when Matt could do so easily.
And even though English is not your native tongue, it is still very good and it is easy to read.
One thing that confused me is why Syrren couldn't crawl out of the cave in anthro form when Matt could do so easily.
And even though English is not your native tongue, it is still very good and it is easy to read.
Yeah, sorry about this chapter here, I know it is quite...well, long and without more plot like the other ones, but I wanted to bring in as much info about this world, so people could better imagine it.
Also for Syrren, it was mentioned in a previous chapter that Matt suspects that Syrren somehow hibernated in his cave, when he got trapped there by the earthquake blocking the cave-entrance. And I guess that Syrren would be too large to fit through the crack, I mean imagine him with his wings, would probably not fit into the crack.
And thank you, I really tried my best to write it in my best English. ^^
Also for Syrren, it was mentioned in a previous chapter that Matt suspects that Syrren somehow hibernated in his cave, when he got trapped there by the earthquake blocking the cave-entrance. And I guess that Syrren would be too large to fit through the crack, I mean imagine him with his wings, would probably not fit into the crack.
And thank you, I really tried my best to write it in my best English. ^^
Btw, I just remembered to mention this. I like the insert of Shattered Union. I was really into Advance Wars and one of my friends said Shattered Union was like Advance Wars, so he recommended the game to me a looong time ago. Although I never played it, I recognized the description here.
I became interested to read your story after I saw this artwork: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/19355150/ and have read the story excerpt there.
I like your writing style (I like how the text is written), even through I am Russian and still learning English, so I sometimes I have to use an online-translators.
So I have read all 4 chapters one by one in 6-7 hours (even though I was not sleeping for 24 hours), it was just so interesting! :D
I really liked, no, I LOVED interactions between Matt and Syrren from the very start, they all caused just such a warm and pleasant feelings.
When it turns out that Syrren can transform itself into human-like form, I was a bit dissapointed, since I am not a big fan of anthro dragons, but I decided to go with it and it was the right thing - because the next chapters were totally awesome! And looks like it is the only way for Syrren to get into a human-sized rooms... Also I decided to not pay much attention to the Matt's sexual orientation.
When they go for their first flight, I was so happy! ^-^ Although the story does not describe how exactly the flight is feeling, looks like it is left to the reader's imagination. :) I have tried to imagine what dragon can feel during the flight so many times. I even had a couple of dreams where I was flying as a dragon and that dreams were amazing. Some of the dreams were even lucid, too bad they don't last long...
When I have read chapter 3, I broke out into tears.
Especially when Syrren saw the helicopters.
It only takes just one rocket to interrupt the life of the beautiful creature such as a dragon. It is really "a horrific thought"...
There are almost no places where dragon can live and freely fly in this modern techno world. :( I just imagined how that would be for a dragon.
After reading this I almost hate all the war weapons and machines that humanity has invented.
Since I am not into politics, it was kinda boring for me to read about political stuff in chapter 4... But still there were some interesting moments. :) This chapter also scared me, especially the ending of the chapter... It is getting darker and darker. I just don't have a idea what will happen, and can only hope that everything will be ok.
Seeing that the first chapter was started 4 years ago, I was thinking that the story is already finished, but to my suprise, it is still not finished.
I hope you will find a motivation to continue your story! There are also many wonderful fanarts with Matt and Syrren!
P.S. Wow, I took me 90 minutes to write this post, I hope I wrote all the sentences correctly (it is hard for me to write in English). :)
I like your writing style (I like how the text is written), even through I am Russian and still learning English, so I sometimes I have to use an online-translators.
So I have read all 4 chapters one by one in 6-7 hours (even though I was not sleeping for 24 hours), it was just so interesting! :D
I really liked, no, I LOVED interactions between Matt and Syrren from the very start, they all caused just such a warm and pleasant feelings.
When it turns out that Syrren can transform itself into human-like form, I was a bit dissapointed, since I am not a big fan of anthro dragons, but I decided to go with it and it was the right thing - because the next chapters were totally awesome! And looks like it is the only way for Syrren to get into a human-sized rooms... Also I decided to not pay much attention to the Matt's sexual orientation.
When they go for their first flight, I was so happy! ^-^ Although the story does not describe how exactly the flight is feeling, looks like it is left to the reader's imagination. :) I have tried to imagine what dragon can feel during the flight so many times. I even had a couple of dreams where I was flying as a dragon and that dreams were amazing. Some of the dreams were even lucid, too bad they don't last long...
When I have read chapter 3, I broke out into tears.
Especially when Syrren saw the helicopters.
It only takes just one rocket to interrupt the life of the beautiful creature such as a dragon. It is really "a horrific thought"...
There are almost no places where dragon can live and freely fly in this modern techno world. :( I just imagined how that would be for a dragon.
After reading this I almost hate all the war weapons and machines that humanity has invented.
Since I am not into politics, it was kinda boring for me to read about political stuff in chapter 4... But still there were some interesting moments. :) This chapter also scared me, especially the ending of the chapter... It is getting darker and darker. I just don't have a idea what will happen, and can only hope that everything will be ok.
Seeing that the first chapter was started 4 years ago, I was thinking that the story is already finished, but to my suprise, it is still not finished.
I hope you will find a motivation to continue your story! There are also many wonderful fanarts with Matt and Syrren!
P.S. Wow, I took me 90 minutes to write this post, I hope I wrote all the sentences correctly (it is hard for me to write in English). :)
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