Not bad for a first, it felt rushed though, I felt that you could have build up to the sex scenes, you could of been more descriptive, or set a date or two, had them play around before going straight to the action.
That said, the actual event was fair enough.

Yea... My motive was to get to the goods XD Anyway, I will keep that in mind next time. Thanks!

Great job for a first one. Pretty hot too o_o.

Please make sure to like proof read it (and if u can, proof read it outloud as thats pretty good at finding mistakes IMO).

:3

WOW I like it alot.
Proofing aside, the story line and how you escribed things is....OMG AWSOME
Keep this up XD

Yeaaa... whoops. There are like one or two typos toward the end >.<

Sexsexsexsex :O! Hehe.

XD

great storyy loved it. XD

Thanks a lot! XD

Nice work.
I dun do literature, but I hafta say thats really good!

Aww thanks a lot! :3