The Electric Birth Syndicate

By Ganjacolyte "Weedley Jones"

The Electric Birth Syndicate, or "EBS" as it is commonly referred to as, is a mulch-national "criminal" organization, known for having its eyes in pretty much any sort of "secret society", from the Freemasons to the Illuminati, the Bilderburg group to even the Order of the Golden Dawn; The EBS is said to have influence over all of these organizations, and even some well known to the public eye. No one outside of the inner circles of the syndicate know of the goals they have in mind. Some conspiracy theories say they are an offshoot of the Knights Templar who only want to spread world mind control drugs, some say they are merely a legitimate business with aggressive marketing tactics, and still others wonder if they're just in it for the kicks. But this is not the time to talk about the syndicate itself; more so, it is a time to gaze into one of the largest world organization's past, and see how it came to be as it is today.

It all started with a man, with a plan. This man was known only by his first name, "Steve". He started out as the owner of a small music store in Florida, "Future Surpassed", who was also associates with an Asian mafia group (which would later be known as the Yu Chen Po). Steve had bigger plans, however; he knew this small group of Triad, Jopok, and Yakuza knock-offs couldn't satiate his dreams of grandeur. He started off by posting a registration sheet outside of his store, waiting for potential members to join a "music lovers club". The first of these was a lad only known as "The Punk of Eights", an aspiring musician who would later become Steve's right-hand man. The two began advertising around town, eventually enlisting the help of another future member, "Urchin". After word-of-mouth spread, Steve soon had a good twenty members at his disposal. Now was his time to shine.

He purchased an old warehouse on the outskirts of Tampa, and began designing his sweet pad. Unfortunately, Steve only had two colors to choose from: Blue and Green. He sighed, and began to work alone, as he demanded he take care of this matter himself. As he worked, day after day, painting the warehouse with a stroke of blue and a slather of green, he became entranced by the colors. As they swirled and combined, he fell in love as his psyche began to break. But thankfully he finished before he became completely insane. Dubbing his new clubhouse "Future Surpassed Central", he began to lay out his plans for world domination.

Both The Punk and Urchin began to seek out members of the club to become elite agents under Steve. There was the aggressive and deceitful "Hound", the secretive and meticulous "Quail", and the sneaky "Cobra". It was only by co-incidence that the three all had animal monikers, but no matter. The five began delving into secret underground organizations, learning their secrets on how to manipulate and control the populous. Soon after, the five began to construct a plan to help the FSC grow. Meanwhile, Steve tried to campaign funds for the clubhouse by selling abstract paintings generated by his homemade program "FractalShop Media Demolition 4", which churned out multicolored lines and shapes like cheap butter. He managed to sell a few prints to a few idiot tourists in the area, and he proclaimed himself an artistic genius. After hanging the remainder of the fractals in the clubhouse (much to the other members chagrin), he started to work on his music label "Futile Peasantry", which was dedicated to created remixes of music program presets.

The five were starting to grow very weary of Steve, and began plans to create their own organization. Steve was clearly too caught up in his dreams of being a great electronic music artist like Strillplex, LeMon Fag-O, and the notorious Dread Bebo #5. The Punk visited a few old friends back at the (now) Yu Chen Po's headquarters in the city. There he made the acquaintance of Zucchini, a fashion-model / infiltrator who was kicked out using stolen funds to buy mermaid stickers. Zucchini, however, still knew the safe's combination, they just had to get in and take it. The Punk knew that the Yu Chen Po had many more men at their disposal, and thus he began to convince people around Tampa to join them. He went back to the FSC base, with now six members in tow, and detailed his plan to grab the Yu Chen Po's secret stash and finally break out from Steve's obnoxious control.

The next day, each member set out to recruit new blood. The Punk and Cobra, searching the docks, came across a gruff and world-weary man who only referred to himself as "The Lifeguard". He was kicked out of the swimming pool he worked at after he failed to save a drowning boy from 4-foot-deep water. Ever since then, he had lost the ability to swim in shallow depths, and wandered across Florida to see if he could gain repentance for his crimes. While the two were saddened by The Lifeguard's tragic tale, they had a very difficult time understanding him, as his chain-smoking habits had completely ravaged his vocal cords. Barely making out his words, The Punk asked The Lifeguard if he would at all be interested in joining a would-be multinational criminal organization, to which The Lifeguard probably replied "Sounds pretty dec to me." (Or it could've been "Syrup Tittyfuck Julie", I'm not so sure.)

Meanwhile, Urchin and Hound were looking through the dark underground markets to see if they could find any professional mercenaries. They found one rather quickly when he dropkicked Hound while they were passing a nearby Famas Depot. The mysterious attacker addressed himself as "Moai", and drew his gilded katana "Hashflayer". Urchin and the recovered Hound both drew their smaller "Bud Light" wakizashis and began the assault on the assassin. The fight went on for a good five minutes, until something slipped out of Urchin's pocket; The newest issue of "Shrine Maiden Pistolwhip". Moai immediately called off the attack, as he did not know Urchin was a fellow anime man. The three made up, and Moai joined them in return for a Ph. D. in Anime Appreciation.

Back at the FSC base, Quail and Zucchini convinced a good deal of the members to join them. They were Bau Zsa, an East Asian cleric with a penchant for messing with people's heads; Steel Turtle, a nervous little man who liked to draw anime frogs...and that's all you'll want to know; Andy Resh-Hesher, a radio talk-show host who spouted out pop-culture references like they were chickens in a deep-fryer; Fatman, an aspiring electronic musician who liked his women with tits so big they could barely move; Phrodite, a large man who had more extreme mood swings than Hitler; and finally the esteemed Grube Grubeson, some kid they found in the clubhouse "ripping vinyls". And the ever-neglected Downtoss, who managed the extensive library. Finally their team was complete.

The next day, the now fifteen manned group assembled in front of the Yu Chen Po headquarters at the crack of dawn. They had all prepared for the event; guns had been cleaned and fully loaded, katanas were sharpened and polished, weed was in full stock, and all vinyls in the area were from cool indie bands. The Punk waved forward to signal their assault, and everyone rushed in. Luckily for the group, most of the Yu Chen Po members were either sleeping or watching the Golden Girls. Zucchini was able to locate the safe in record time, but they had apparently managed to change the combination. It took five members to "mercy kill" the safe into submission, until it broke open with once last swack of a daito. The sweet, sweet dosh poured out of it like a fountain, and Zucchini, Andy, and Fatman began stuffing it into duffel bags.

Meanwhile, the Yu Chen Po members had come to their senses and returned fire to the group. Moai and Urchin began to flank the front, while Quail and Cobra thinned out the horde from the roof. The Lifeguard proceeded to brain a few of the unconscious members with a megaphone, while and Grube Grubeson threw a few sharpened vinyls at a row of the attackers. Sadly, he was threatened into submission when one of the Yu Chen Po members pretended to destroy an Animal Collective vinyl. The Hound and Bau Zsa secured an armored bus from some stupid girl named Jin, and began to load up the mountains of lovely money into the rear. Finishing off the remainder of the sober Yu Chen Po, The Punk gave the signal to drive after everyone had returned safely (preferably with some of the Yu Chen Po's crazy-ass kush). But not back to the Future Surpassed Central, oh no. They were to go...west. As far west as they could possibly go.

For four long days the fifteen began to conflict with each other, as their true colors were unveiled. They eventually kicked Grube Grubeson off the bus after playing an episode of "My Little Buddy" on his DecBook Owl City edition, whom eventually traveled north towards Pennsylvania. Bau Zsa left soon afterwards saying that he had a mission to fulfill, and that was to make fun of Grube's sissy nature. While passing through Louisiana, they had kicked Andy Resh-Hesher off after he tried to use the radio to send a "status update" to all of his friends. Finally, in the middle of New Mexico, Fatman and Steel Turtle were booted off after they kept weirding everyone else out with their "explicit doodles". The remaining ten had finally reached their new home: Los Angeles, California. But the number soon fell to nine as Phrodite had just then switched over into his "sad" form, and ran north to San Francisco. The nine sighed, and began to unload their good-gotten gains.

The Punk had purchased a condemned office building with some of the Yu Chen Po funds, and the nine climbed it to survey it. While on the top floor, a thunderstorm had brewed over the city, and a bolt of lightning danced in front of the window they were all staring out of. They took this as a sign from God to grow strong and gain influence over the world. This "birth" of a syndicate was pretty electric in nature, so the eight members were then christened the Electric Birth Syndicate. As they stood out above the city that would soon be theirs, The Punk realized his name no longer suited him. He was to then be referred to as "Manticore". Urchin followed suit by adding a "K" to the end of his name, because it "made him sound foreign".

Thus, the nine began to get to work on making their syndicate grow. And grow, it did, as its tendrils of influence seeped into every governmental affair and business conglomeration around the world. Therefore, those who were not born yet until the world became as it is today, had now been given life to succeed in the world that was now as it is currently.