When William's friend Tobias invites his tribe over for a night of celebration, the human finds out that some cultural habits don't correlate very well between their species... Needless to say, things get very smelly and stay that way!

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Badger Bonding

William groaned as he smelt the odor coming from the enormous pair of black furry buttocks in front of him before his face actually felt them. The crack widened as the huge paw pressed his face in between the soft half-globes, and the smell of sweat mixed with rump to produce a stronger odor than from merely being behind them. William did his best not to breathe through his nose too much as he felt the dirty fur rub against the sides of his face, his cheeks being subjected to an entirely different pair of cheeks. A deep, bubbling torrent of flatulence suddenly jetted over him, substantially intensifying the odor of his position as the foul fumes blew into his nose and through his hair simultaneously. The gas continued sputtering out for several seconds, but the smell lingered around William for several moments afterwards in the sweaty, stinking confines of the soft black backside.
“Ahhhh…” sighed his captor as another fart erupted from his bottom, “Nothing like a little flatulence after a big meal of beans, eh?”
William disagreed, and tried to voice his opinion loudly, but his shouts were muffled by the thick butt cheeks. A few short, sharp farts blew at him, and he could hear the furry sigh again outside.
When the smell finally cleared several minutes later, he felt a paw on the back of his head and was released from the disgusting derriere. Relieved to smell fresh air again, William rounded on the fur and berated him.
“How many times have I told you, Tobias?” the human poked a finger into the fat black belly, “I don’t much appreciate you forcing me to smell your farts.”
As expected, the badger laughed and shrugged, pulling up his pants. William knew that his friend was just going to grin and wrap a burly arm around him in a form of hearty hug. He sighed irritably as he was lightly pressed against the badger’s belly, which he felt shaking slightly as his friend laughed merrily again. His friend’s pot-bellied stomach protruded from beneath his leather vest, with loose cross-stitching in the middle for fitting, and underlying dark blue cloth shirt.
“As I’ve told you and told you, dear William,” the badger said, a hint of Scottish brogue underlying his deep, melodic voice, “Farting is a part of badger culture. It’s a mark of fellowship, a gesture of revelry, and a grand bit of humor besides!” He laughed again, “You know when I fart in your face like that it means, come mere good buddy, and have a whiff of this!” He hugged the human again and patted his head.
“Well, I suppose as a human I will never really understand badger culture,” William consented, “Having the stink of someone else’s butt on me just doesn’t sound like a rousing time with friends.”
“Well, I’m sorry for you if you’ve got no sense of community or friendship,” the badger shook his head. His frown quickly became a wild grin, “But I won’t have you berating me for trying to give you some!”
The huge badger dropped his drawers again and sat down on his friend, laughing heartily and farting even as William tried to escape from beneath the malodorous mammal.
Tobias and William had been living together for almost a year now, the badger coming to join his human friend shortly after he had acquired the house. William had been raised in the city, but had always preferred the quieter, more peaceful setting of the country. Well, quieter in theory, although living with Tobias could often be a noisy experience in addition to being a smelly one, as male badgers were notoriously fond of revelry and merry-making. His cousin had taken him traveling in the countryside while he was studying at university, and it was on that holiday that William had met the badger, who had invited him and his cousin to share in a festive dancing celebration, which thankfully hadn’t involved any flatulence. Tobias had visited William when he later attended university, and the two soon became very good friends. Tobias, being an adult member of the tribe, had been free to come and live with his longtime human friend after the latter had decided to live in the countryside to pursue his painting interests.
Living with Tobias wasn’t always easy. He provided for his own food and clothing, so expenses weren’t ever really a problem. But not all of his culturally inherited social habits were compatible with those of humans. Tobias only showered once a week at William’s insistence, and despite the terrible odors he would leave behind after using the toilet, didn’t always bother to properly wipe himself, being used to a rougher, freer lifestyle. The flatulence, of course, was the worst of it, especially since Tobias loved beans, cabbage, eggs, and broccoli (sometimes altogether, in a dish he called “Strong Stew”, which earned its name for several reasons), and badger custom was to relieve yourself around or on others, preferably the latter. William didn’t entirely understand the origins of this unpleasant habit, but supposedly it had something to do with the musical sounds of breaking wind being some sort of “joyous sound of festiveness” and all festivities were meant to be shared, or something like that. There was also a myth about the combined odors keeping away malicious spirits, or demons or other such things that brought bad luck and diseases. The details seemed to vary from tribe to tribe, although the main points remained the same. In practical terms, it all translated into an excuse for badgers to fart in people’s faces, William knew.
Tobias certainly liked to maintain this traditional custom when he was around William. There was no traditionally specified way of farting, but the big badger certainly had his own preferences. Most often, he would drop his woolen pants (which looked and functioned like underwear, but also took the place of actual pants) and sit on the human, or place a paw on the back of his head and press his face into his exposed butt crack. His diet certainly didn’t help and neither did the fact that he only wiped his rear on occasion, preferring to just let the water clean it when he showered, which was more “natural” in his opinion. He had also grown to love the Dutch oven, and it didn’t help that badger males often slept together to build comradely. Badgers were surprisingly quiet sleepers, but waking up with a mass of dirty butt-fur next to your face was always nasty, as Tobias often shifted positions during the night, and usually slept in the nude.
William was very close to Tobias, though, so he could forgive these faults. He had come to regard him as a best friend and kind of like an older brother over the years they had known each other. Tobias’ natural strength had been essential in helping William to complete construction on the separate room for his art studio and supplies, and the wealth of badger lore derived from the many different tribes in the area Tobias’ people had been in contact with had inspired the subject matter of several of his paintings. Tobias was also an excellent cook, as this responsibility was delegated to the males of the tribe traditionally, and anything without cabbage in it was always delicious. Tobias kept things clean as well, though he did little cleaning himself, so although he was quite smelly, he was at least tidy.
The badger finished passing gas on his friend, and lumbered up off of him, pulling up his woolen pants and grinning. He offered a paw and helped William up on his feet, and then gave him a pat on the back and another big hug. Sniffing his potent handiwork, he laughed again and began fanning the air with his broad arm.
“Pheeew! That was quite a nice stink, eh?” Tobias chuckled, and William shook his head.
“Nice for you maybe, but now I smell like badger farts from head to toe,” William said, “I’m going to need a shower and its barely past lunchtime.”
“Well, I’d wait on that if I were you,” Tobias advised.
“Don’t tell me you’ve got any more in you? You’ve been farting for nearly ten minutes straight, Tobias!”
“No, its not that, I’m all aired out for now,” he said, using a popular badger expression, “But the tribe is coming here to visit tonight, so you may not want to bother…”
“The tribe is coming here?” William said in astonishment, “This evening?”
“You bet the whole pot they are!” smiled Tobias, “Its time to celebrate the Return!”
Another badger custom that William didn’t always appreciate: spontaneity. And if Tobias had promised the badgers a celebration, it would be extremely rude to disappoint them now. Not to mention, the return from a journey was one of the major causes for celebration among badgers, undertaken four days after the tribe had reached their home again. Unlike the regular bouts of revelry that all male badgers engaged in, the Return was a complex three part ceremony, involving both male and female members of the tribe in the first and third aspects of the celebration. This was very unusual for badger customs.
Traditionally, the male and female members of the tribe carried out separate spheres of responsibilities. Unlike many human societies, badgers viewed the female members as wiser and more intelligent than the males, and thusly all decision making which affected the tribe as a whole from harvest to defense, was carried out by females. The males were responsible for building the houses, gathering food and materials, and cooking and cleaning, as well as fighting in defense if necessary, while the females made clothing, raised children, and served as heads of the family, making decisions which affected their individual households. The consequence of having a position of authority was that female badgers were expected to remain sober, thoughtful, and calm, and never engaged in bouts of farting like the males. The males were more wildly emotional, engaging in the physical aspects of celebrations, while the females recorded myth and lore (males were forbidden from recording legends except mentally) and passed them down orally to other members of the tribe during celebrations. The only time their celebrations overlapped was during storytelling sessions and ritual dancing, where the females led. Essentially, the female badgers were in touch with the spirits [the mind] and the males were in touch with the earth [the body]. The male badgers never farted on the females and always treated them with dignity and care, as opposed to the playful roughhousing they did with each other.
The Return was an excellent example of the larger celebration, which had a basis in tradition and not just revelry. The first section consisted of the male and female dancing, storytelling, and prayers to the spirits performed by the females. The second section was a grand bout of feasting and flatulent revels, exclusively for the male badgers, while the females engaged in their own feasting and dancing/ conversation separately. The third section was like the first, but with the males dancing jigs by themselves, and the offering of food and libations to the spirits, led by the males but still consecrated by the females. The first and third sections were held during the day, and the second section always began after sunset and lasted an indeterminate amount of time, sometimes for several days.
“I don’t want a bunch of male badgers in my house!” William said, “These festivals can get very wild. What if something gets broken?” He gestured to several family heirlooms on the shelves.
“Just put everything in your painting studio and lock the door,” Tobias said, “No badger will ever enter a room that isn’t open to them in friendship.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do about food?” William said, “We hardly have enough to feed a whole tribe!”
“Since you’re not a badger,” the fur replied, “You don’t have to provide for anything. Guests of the tribe share in everything at festivals.”
“Okay, fine…” William said, knowing that he had little choice in the matter now, “I guess I should start getting everything ready, in that case.”
Over the next few hours, William gathered up his family heirlooms and breakable valuables and stored them in his art studio. Tobias busied himself by making Strong Stew, which would be one of the main dishes, all featuring beans in some capacity, at the feasting. William swept and cleaned the house a little, trying to be a suitable host despite the fact that he didn’t think his guests would be very concerned with dust. When everything was finished, he sat and waited with Tobias for the badgers to arrive.
Shortly after sunset, there was a knock on the door, and William opened it to see over two dozen badgers, grinning and visibly excited for the festivities that would soon ensue. Although a few wore woolen shirts or simple hand-knit tunics, many of them wore only the familiar woolen pants around their ample waists. Their fur ranged from various shades of blacks and grays to tawny brown and even some reddish hues. All were, of course, adult males- the children staying behind with the women- and naturally round and pot-bellied, a result of the pumpkin ale they brewed and drank regularly coupled with the prosperity of crop-rotational agricultural practices for a tribe of only about fifty or so members. They carried with them all sorts of dishes, all containing a wide assortment of freshly gathered fruit and recently harvested vegetables, as well as several barrels full of the famous pumpkin ale.
“Is this where the celebration will be?” asked the badger leading the group, “Is this your dwelling, human? What are you called?”
“My name is William,” William said, “And yes, this is my house. Please come in, Tobias will be with you shortly. He is still finishing several dishes.”
“Excellent!” said the badger, as the crowd began to move into the house, “Let the festivities commence!”
There was a general cheering from the group as whole, as the plump furs entered and made themselves comfortable in their new surroundings. Several settled themselves on the sofa, others in armchairs, and many sat on the ground to wait for Tobias to enter and call for the start of the feast, as only he could begin the meal since he had officially declared the location of the celebration. The badgers chatted amongst one another, and some began arm wrestling or grappling with one another like sumo wrestlers, trying to throw each other to the ground. William tried not to be too disgusted as he heard a few loud farts being passed by a couple of the waiting badgers, who turned towards one another and broke wind in their companions’ faces after dropping their pants. One of the gray-furred badgers grabbed William with his big paw and pressed the human’s face into his furry crack, laughing as he shared some fresh flatulence with him.
“Be merry with us, young human!” the smelly badger declared amiably, “Tonight is a time of great happiness indeed!” He pressed William against his butt and farted again, “Smell and be free of bad fortune!” he declared, rubbing William’s face in his crack. He laughed heartily and hugged the human, patting him on the back.
William sighed as the gleeful badger walked off, knowing he’d better get used to being subjected to very rude odors and treatments this evening as part of the tribe’s merry-making and revelries. Thankfully, no one else farted in his face as he waited for Tobias to emerge and declare the feast ready. The black badger did so shortly, bringing three dishes and another cask of pumpkin ale in from the kitchen. The other badgers cheered and everyone passed around food before going back outside. William remembered that feasting was supposed to be done by the light of the moon for prosperity’s sake.
Following the rest of the badgers into the yard, William had a seat next to Tobias and began eating with him. The badgers did not actually use silverware, but scooped up portions of food with their large paws and ate with gusto as the dishes were passed around freely. Many of the dishes featured beans or cabbage, and William avoided the latter, but found several that were quite appetizing, among the several soups and a variety of casseroles, breads, and dishes baked, stewed, grilled, and broiled with a variety of spices and creams to suit nearly any palate. There was also more than enough pumpkin ale to go around, which the badgers would be helping themselves to for the rest of the evening. William had a mug himself, hoping that the spicy, mildly alcoholic beverage would ease his anxieties about the evening. The badgers chatted and laughed with one another while they ate, talking of fishing, wrestling, humorous memories, strange dreams, and families, although there was no flatulence during meals as a rule of preserving the appetite, so William joined in and participated happily, sharing a few memories and stories of his own.
The feasting continued for over an hour, each badger helping himself to thirds and fourths, with a fair share of food still left over. After the meal was complete, all of the dishes were taken into the kitchen and stacked to be taken back to the tribe later and shared over the next few days. Then the badgers lounged back around the house again, to tell more stories as their food settled, punctuated by the occasional contented belch. It wasn’t long, however, before the badgers were engaged in their energetic, flatulent habits once again, now with comfortably bloated bellies. William winced as a group of them were wrestled to the ground and sat on by several others, who broke wind uproariously in their faces.
William felt a paw pat him on the back before two huge furry arms wrapped around him in a hug, and a tawny furred badger grinned down at him. He wasn’t sure how to respond when he was suddenly shoved forward head first into the dark gray cheeks of an awaiting badger rump! The odor of butt and noise of flatulence assaulted his senses, as the tawny arms held him gently in place for the rude gassing. The gray badger sighed and the tawny badger laughed and placed a paw over his snout while the other pressed William’s face in position. After being farted on several times, the tawny badger pulled him back out and smiled at him again, while the gray badger laughed and smacked his knee.
“That’s quite a way for gassing, eh, human?” laughed the gray badger.
“Yeah…” William groaned, as the terrible smell lingered, “No kidding.”
“Now how about smelling a few of mine?” chuckled the tawny badger, and before William could protest, a plump posterior pinned him to the ground and rubbed its dirty fur in his face. It was clear this badger didn’t bother wiping himself thoroughly either. A torrent of flatulence blasted wetly from the big badger’s butt crack, and William grimaced in the warm stinky fumes. The badger chuckled, wiggling and supplying him with several more deep, wet farts.
“Ahhh… having fun down there, human?” laughed the tawny badger, blowing a thick, sputtering fart in William’s nose, “Quite a good time, eh?”
“Ugghh… not really,” William groaned weakly, lying in the huge cloud of badger fumes, “I don’t really enjoy having fat furs farting in my face.”
The gray badger shook his head. “Lookit this one, will yeh? No sense of celebration! Farting’s a mark of friendship, human. It means: share in my stink and be as my brother, badger or no. Bad fortune and harmful spirits flee at its potent odors, and its musicality is the sound of joy, promoting laughter and happiness. Of course, none of you smaller peoples know anythin’ about passing gas anyhow, especially not you humans.”
He wasn’t really kidding about the “smaller” aspect, as most badgers stood about six feet tall, on average, whereas some furs only reached about four or five feet.
The tawny-furred badger finished his gassing and got up off of William, who stood up and fanned the air to help dissipate the stench. The gray badger sniffed him and grinned.
“There you go! Nice and freshly rank, you are! No bad luck’s going to be getting anywhere near you, lad!” he patted him on the back and walked off.
William groaned as more fumes drifted towards him from a pair of badgers who were taking turns farting in each other’s faces, deep, short, wet bursts jiggling the furry fat on their bare cheeks. Another group of badgers was taking turns pulling each other’s claws, rocking back with their legs and buttocks in the air and passing gas. Their companions grinned and grimaced slightly, occasionally fanning a big paw in front of their snouts when some badger passed a particularly pungent one, but laughing and slapping their knees. A couple of badgers were also lethargically reclining on the couch, lying with their big butts resting atop each other’s faces and occasionally releasing an audible fart which was accompanied by a guffaw from both parties, the latter muffled beneath the other’s backside. William fanned the air and shook his head, hoping he wouldn’t have to smell any more rumps up close and personal.
Unfortunately for him, that wasn’t going to be the case, as he felt another burly paw hoist him up and turn him to face a grinning badger muzzle. The very fat furry grinned at him, chuckling with amusement.
“Shall we go have a seat, human?” asked the badger, carrying him over to a large easy chair. William didn’t have time to respond before two giant blubbery buttocks settled down on top of him. William quickly found himself sunken into the chair cushions under a boulder of a badger bottom. The soft, gray fur brushed and rubbed over his face and chest as the big badger settled himself, parting his cheeks and relaxing as William’s face slid into his sweaty crack. The strong odor of unwashed rump and musky hide surrounded the human on either side, completely dwarfed beneath the massive mammal.
“Ahh…” sighed the badger, leaning back and relaxing under his double seat cushions, “Nothing like a cushy spot to sit… and vent,” he leaned forward and began passing a deep, loud, spluttering fart that jiggled his cheeks and ruffled the hair on William’s head. He could hear the muffled laughter of the other badgers as the stench of cabbage and broccoli invaded his nostrils, the pungent fumes lingering beneath the badger’s butt. The stinking sitter soon supplied him with more, as a series of very warm, short poots burst from his anus, followed by another wet eruption. The badger slapped his knees and chuckled, rubbing his huge backside around and relishing the stench he’d created, as the human did his best not to sniff too much of the horrible pungent farts as sweat and stench brushed over his face. More nasty wet farts followed, and William could hear the badger sighing and laughing as he rubbed in the smell. A warm, wet jet bubbled from the fat fur’s rear, gaining and lessening in intensity as the badger leaned forwards a bit to let it all loose. An audible sigh was heaved by the blubbery badger as his fart finished, and he had the courtesy to fan a paw behind his butt cheeks afterwards, which unfortunately didn’t help William very much, given his position. The badger leaned back and relaxed as William grimaced in the cloud of fresh farts beneath the fat, smelly furry rump.
The big badger lumbered up off of the human a few moments later, pulling up his extra wide woolen pants and wrapped him in a huge hug, as William sunk into his paunchy belly a bit. The badger ruffled his hair with a paw and patted William on the back, grinning at him and laughing.
“Haven’t had quite a sit like that in some time, little human,” laughed the badger, “You make quite a lovely cushion, you do!”
“Ugh… glad I could be of service,” William shook his head.
“Now you’re guaranteed good fortune throughout the year!” the badger said, patting him on the back again before walking off.
William was thankfully able to avoid any more extremely flatulent mishaps for the next hour or so, besides the occasional fart blown in his face by a badger walking past or a rather drunk one having him pull their claw before pressing him against their crack. Some of the other badgers had begun to tell various stories to one another, although some of these were of a rather ruder nature than what had been shared at dinner. One brown-furred badger told another how he’d accidentally wedged a fox so far in his cheeks (which were a much smaller furry species than badgers, being only about four feet compared to their six to six-and-a-half) that it looked like he had two tails. The fox had been fine, but was a sweaty, stinking mess after he’d been pulled out of the butt-trap. Another badger told of how he’d once trapped a wolf in his crack, pulled up his woolen pants, and walked around with the wolf’s legs hanging out one side. A third told of how he’d been involved in a farting contest with a trio of rabbits as the “judges”, and claimed that their fur still smelt a little foul to this day. William simultaneously laughed and winced as he imagined the smelly positions the unfortunate furries must have found themselves in.
A bit later, however, he heard a loud flush and a large reddish-brown badger lumbered over towards him with a grin. The badgers had of course been making free use of his bathroom all night, and William was thankful there hadn’t been any clogs or other unpleasant mishaps to deal with. He’d gone in after the gray badger had pinned him in the chair to wash his face, and held his nose against the smell left behind by so many big badgers relieving themselves periodically. Not that he wasn’t somewhat used to it: Tobias sometimes wandered in during the mornings when he was showering, apparently not thinking it very rude to subject his friend to the odors of one of his massive bowel movements.
William stared up at the reddish furred badger, wrinkling his nose a little as he stunk from his recent bathroom trip.
“Can I help you?” William asked, knowing that he was probably about to be farted on again.
“Yea, you can,” said the badger, reaching a claw down the back of his woolen pants to scratch his left buttock as he spoke, “You see, you’re out of toilet paper in the bathroom and I’m very messy back there, if you catch my meanin’.”
William knew he had forgotten something: he’d put out another roll before the party, but hadn’t considered that badgers have more surface area to wipe than other furs, and tended to go through toilet paper a little faster. He was about to offer to get the badger some more, when he saw the mammal turn around and drop his pants, and winced as he guessed what was coming next.
The large paw grabbed the back of his head and thrust his face forward, wedging it snugly and deeply between the badger’s huge cheeks. The stench of fresh dung was terrible, and surrounded William completely on both sides. The fur began to rub his face up and down within the filthy confines of his butt, smearing fresh, warm, sticky dung all over him and laughing hysterically outside. William could hear the other badgers collapsing with merriment at the disgusting joke, farts bursting from their backsides as they watched their friend use the human as toilet paper. William felt a few warm farts in his face as well, which combined with the stink of poop and compounded the already repulsive odor. When the badger was finished, he waited for the smell of his gas to stop lingering, and then let William out, turning around to admire his handiwork and nearly toppling over with laughter himself.
“Sorry, human,” laughed the badger, on the verge of tears, “That was simply too good to resist!” He grabbed his sides and collapsed on the ground, nearly rolling with laughter, along with all the other badgers.
William went to the bathroom and washed his face several times afterwards, finally getting all the smeared poop and the smell off of it. Then he sighed and headed straight for the pumpkin ale, knowing he’d need another drink to get through the night.
This, however, proved to be the last incident, the other badgers deciding he deserved a break for being such a good sport about everything throughout the evening. The festivities continued until midnight, as was custom, and then the tribe slowly filed out, carrying the remainder of the food with them to eat during later festivities. Tobias personally said goodbye to everyone as they left, which was custom for his acting as the host for the evening. William was relieved to see them gone, having endured enough gassy badger rumps to last most people a lifetime in the space of a few hours. Not to mention the crowing moment of the party where he’d been used as toilet paper. He was just relieved it was finally over.
When he expressed this sentiment to Tobias, however, the big fur just laughed and shook his head.
“Don’t you remember, William?” asked his friend, shaking his head with disbelief, “The second part of the Return can last for several days, and judging by how good of a time my brothers had here this evening, I imagine they’ll want to come back for another round. It’s not often they get to hang around with humans, y’ know.”
“I can’t imagine why,” William groaned, slapping a palm to his forehead and sighing, “I really just can’t figure that one.”
Tobias wrapped him in a big hug and guffawed. “Don’t worry, my little William,” he said, “You may not be too keen on badger fun now, but I know that sooner or later, you’ll come right around. Or if not, we can always sit on you ‘til you do!”
William shook his head, recognizing the common badger phrase that had been all too literal this evening. He was glad they’d at least have pumpkin ale again tomorrow night.