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Carmel learns the identity of the mysterious archer (not that we didn't know ourselves), but struggles to relate to him.
If you read this, please tell me if you find it interesting. This is a very transitory chapter, with little in the way of action, and a ton of character development. There's a lot of dialogue and I'm afraid the overall effect is just to slow everything down. Mind you, this leads directly into another big fight, so don't give up on me yet.
Before I leave this comment, I want to thank all the people who've watched me in the last few weeks. It seems to me like there've been a whole lot of you! And I appreciate every one. :D Well, I just wanted to show that I'm actually outputting *something*, to make it worth your whiles, so I hope you'll take the time to read this. You might want to read episode 1 first, of course.
EDIT: Reuploaded 12/19/07. Cleaned up some dialogue, added Carmel's description, and reformatted for new formatting abilities.
BEFORE CRITIQUING: please click "FIRST" and refer to the critiquer's note in the first chapter. Thank you.
Carmel learns the identity of the mysterious archer (not that we didn't know ourselves), but struggles to relate to him.
If you read this, please tell me if you find it interesting. This is a very transitory chapter, with little in the way of action, and a ton of character development. There's a lot of dialogue and I'm afraid the overall effect is just to slow everything down. Mind you, this leads directly into another big fight, so don't give up on me yet.
Before I leave this comment, I want to thank all the people who've watched me in the last few weeks. It seems to me like there've been a whole lot of you! And I appreciate every one. :D Well, I just wanted to show that I'm actually outputting *something*, to make it worth your whiles, so I hope you'll take the time to read this. You might want to read episode 1 first, of course.
EDIT: Reuploaded 12/19/07. Cleaned up some dialogue, added Carmel's description, and reformatted for new formatting abilities.
BEFORE CRITIQUING: please click "FIRST" and refer to the critiquer's note in the first chapter. Thank you.
Category Story / Anime
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 19.1 kB
Listed in Folders
awesome story! I had to go back and read the beginning (imagine that, it makes more sense if you read the beginning o_O) so it took me a bit longer to reply. I love the character development, too many stories leave that out, so you don't really share the characters hardships and trials. Looking forward to more!
:-P Yeah welcome to the wonderful world of FA story feedback XP. I don't think its too slow at all. In fact, I was a little surprised how quickly Ryouji seemed to trust Carmel. After reading through a second time though, it made a bit more sense. I guess Carmel's comments hit kinda close to home and Ryouji was willing to give her a chance. If you had sped this up any more, I think it would have been more difficult to get to know the characters, thereby making further plot a little more difficult to undestand. I'm one of those who loves character development. If I don't know the characters very well, it makes the story more confusing (in my mind) and I don't care as much for whats happeneing. If I've gotten to know the characters well, I'll beat down your door so I can learn more.
*begins door beating*
*begins door beating*
Thank you. @.@ I've been *very* concerned about this chapter.
And ow, that's not a door! ;_; I am fragile! No, seriously, this is hard for me. I'm basically pulling myself up by my bootstraps out of not having written for a good year or three. I've got a long ways to go still, which is why I'm not angsting over every little detail in this series, yet still trying to use it as a platform to improve my writing and get back to where I was. Or, well, beyond it, 'cuz that would be better. :)
And ow, that's not a door! ;_; I am fragile! No, seriously, this is hard for me. I'm basically pulling myself up by my bootstraps out of not having written for a good year or three. I've got a long ways to go still, which is why I'm not angsting over every little detail in this series, yet still trying to use it as a platform to improve my writing and get back to where I was. Or, well, beyond it, 'cuz that would be better. :)
The story so far is written in a dialogue driven format. Since most information is coming from the dialogue, and the dialogue keeps going, the reader is along for the ride.
The dialogue just prior Carmel suggesting that they start their introductions over again is a little confusing. The little sets of words such as "she said" and "the archer said" seem redundant to the writer when often-times, the reader isn't reading them so much as using them as a reference point.
The most intriguing part of reading this so far is that its very obvious you've grown quite a bit past this as a writer. While most of my desire to read the story is to see what happens, at the same time, being a student of writing style, I want to see how the progression meshes. ;)
The dialogue just prior Carmel suggesting that they start their introductions over again is a little confusing. The little sets of words such as "she said" and "the archer said" seem redundant to the writer when often-times, the reader isn't reading them so much as using them as a reference point.
The most intriguing part of reading this so far is that its very obvious you've grown quite a bit past this as a writer. While most of my desire to read the story is to see what happens, at the same time, being a student of writing style, I want to see how the progression meshes. ;)
You're totally right. I've looked back on these older chapters and seen how much my writing's changed. I've never tried to concentrate on the writing, but things happen, the dialogue tags especially have undergone a major transition, in all of my writing, not just this series. Thanks for the comments. :D
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