So, like, the last few weeks have really been getting to me.

Between constant thoughts of my ex (of almost six months ago, no less), my parents talking about stuff going into their wills, and most everyone I ever talk with only talking with me whenever they have a problem or need someone to bitch to about something... I've been getting really really down.

And, honestly, I can't fake being happy anymore.


For months, thoughts on my past relationship have come and gone. I've gotten better and worse at the same time... I still dream about her, many things still remind me of her, I have more dreams about her now than I did while we were going out... and it all ultimately leads to how I pretty much botched a good bit of the last weeks of it. Throughout it all, though, I've come to realize that, despite everything she and I said to each other before we stopped talking altogether, that a part of me still loves her and would do anything for her; and that part of me won't ever, ever let me forget it.


My mother has put in her will that she does not want to be resuscitated from death, to live on as a vegetable basically. It's her life, she's an organ-donor, so I can respect that decision of hers, but I'm in her will specifically as someone to make that choice. And all that's got me thinking about what'll happen when either of my parents do die, and there's nothing really uplifting about such thoughts.


And people who just talk at me about their own problems... you know... it gets really, really fucking annoying when I try and actually hold a conversation or otherwise interact with someone, and it lasts for all of 30 seconds, then the other person goes quiet, goes away, without saying anything. After a while I make some comment about the silence and they typically come back wondering why the hell I seem slightly irate. I mean, I was raised with the belief that it was common courtesy to tell someone you're busy with something when they're trying to talk to you, or to say that you need to go for a bit and work on something and will be mostly idle. The worst part is when people stop talking altogether when a conversation moves off of them specifically. I can't stand that, doubly so since that sorta thing was the majority of the conversations with my ex before we stopped talking completely.
Honestly, there have been maybe six people I've ever really enjoyed talking with and would take that shit from over and over again just on the off-chance that a conversation would spark from something. One has since fallen off the net and moved out to the West Coast, one has all but abandoned online life, one I never see due to timezone differences, one I don't talk with anymore, and the last two are the two closest people to me. So five people.


I'm seriously at the point where I'm gonna just stop being nice to people. I've always had the flaw of being too giving to others... always trying to make other people happy. When it's reciprocated, sure it's nice and everything, but most times it's not. And when it's not, it really makes me annoyed and upset and sad. And when it happens constantly over long periods of time, I end up drawing shit like this and typing out for 20 minutes on how I feel, which most people probably won't even read.


I think I've ranted long enough on this. Now I need to draw something else so this thing isn't on my front page forever.