I am still not doing well mentally and emotionally, and I can't ever fucking win. I lowered the dosage of my caplyta because it was triggering my eating habits and weight gain and I have been trying very fucking hard to not eat past 8 and exercise more and drink lots of water and I still make some mistakes with some days not exercising or making the mistake of eating past 8 or binge eating. And I am still experiencing social anxiety and audio hallucinations, hearing assholes calling me "Retarded or Retard" or "ugly" or "ew!". or scoffing and tsk tsking because I am still apparently such a fucking joke. The voices in my head are still there and the nasty bitches still seem to be around. And I am still cutting. And I am supposed to go on a vacation with my sister and my nephew, my mom, and all of our pet dogs to Disney world, Epic Universe and Florida and I am terrified of what might happen to me again because the last four times that I went and tried to enjoy myself fucking backfired and my social anxiety was heightened to the fucking max and I really don't want that to happen again and so I am scared. So I still feel pathetic and a burden and hopeless and I often hope that something will cut my life short.