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Chapter Thirty Four

The trip back to the Vault of Vulgar Humor wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. Fresh pain still pulsed through my broken leg like a second heartbeat, but like I said, I knew how to ignore pain. And now that I had George back, I no longer had to walk on my injured leg, making what otherwise would have been an agonizing journey about as close to painless as I could hope for.

I floated a foot or two above the ground, bobbing gently in the breeze like a life sized Henry balloon. I imagined myself being led down the streets of Lobstropolis while a pair of radio hosts commented on how I was going to give children nightmares, and couldn't help but let out a little snort.

Ethan turned to look at me, eyebrow raised, and I just shook my head. Nothing ruined a good joke like having to explain it. Nothing except knowing you were on your way to a lifelong jail sentence.

Or worse.

Where are they going to lock me up now that the dungeon’s down at the bottom of the ocean? I wondered. My mind immediately flashed to the iron gate that had, until about twenty minutes ago, contained George. I imagined myself locked in there, that gigantic padlock sealed for all eternity. A little golden plaque would be embedded into the wall outside, naming me Henrietta Rider: The Worst Hunter in History etched into it. The monks would come by to stare at me like I was some kind of zoo animal. It was disturbing how easily that picture took form in my mind, almost like I was seeing a vision of the future.

I wondered if Opisthia would give me a death sentence if I asked him for one. Suffocating while Brother Humdinger sat on my head would be a gruesome way to go, but it still would have been better than that.

You could always run, I found myself thinking. The door is right there. Jade could shoop into her core, and Ethan could climb onto your back. Just fly George through it and you'll be home free!

I shook my head. What a stupid idea. I could barely control George once his mind was made up. There was no way he would just let me ride him out of here without Opisthia’s permission. And even if I managed to get out, what would happen then? The Brotherhood of Zanni didn’t just know where I lived, they had a magical floating door leading straight into my house! I would scarcely get past the welcome rug before my entire house was flooded with angry tie-dyed monks.

I sighed. Who was I kidding? Even if I’d thought I had a snowcone’s chance in heck, I wouldn’t have tried it. I had promised Opisthia I would come back and face justice. No matter what happened to me now, I was sick of all the lies.

No more plots. No more sneaking around. No more betrayals. I just hoped that getting what I deserved would make me feel a little bit better about this whole crappy affair.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Jade asked, reading the uncertainty on my face. “You know we're with you no matter what, right?”

“Nobody would blame you,” Ethan agreed.

“HEY NEW FRIENDS WHAT ARE YOU WHISPERING ABOUT ARE YOU PLANNING MY BIRTHDAY PARTY?”

Ignoring the horse, I shook my head. “I would blame me.”

“BECAUSE YOU KNOW I AM RIGHT HERE AND CAN HEAR EVERYTHING YOU ARE SAYING BUT I PROMISE TO PRETEND TO BE SURPRISED ANYWAY!”

We reached the last bridge. The blocky granite shape of the vault loomed ominously over me. I paused just long enough to take a deep breath, then floated in—

And froze in horror.

The vault had been flooded! A river of dark brown liquid that would have been knee deep if I hadn’t been floating above it rippled and lapped gently at the walls. Ethan splashed out into it, and in the few seconds that I was looking at him, it went from just above the tops of his shoes to almost reaching his thighs.

“What the hell is this?” he demanded, just as confused as I was.

Tentatively, I dipped a finger down into it and then brought it to my nose. Whatever it was, it had an earthy, but also sweet, smell. Almost like…

I stuck my finger into my mouth.

“It's sweet tea!” I exclaimed.

Ethan turned to look at me. “Wait, seriously? Why would the vault be filled with…”

His voice trailed off, and I could tell he was thinking the same thing I was. I spun around in midair, my eyes frantically scanning the room. Sure enough, the glass cases on top of several of the pedestals were broken. I just hadn't noticed at first since I'd been so distracted by the flood of sweet tea.

“The InfiniTea Pitcher!” all three of us shouted at the same time.

Ethan and Jade immediately fell to their knees, frantically splashing through the brown, sugary liquid. I rotated myself in midair, positioning myself just above the surface so I could join them, when George suddenly kicked in my hands.

“WHERE IS OPISTHIA WE LEFT HIM IN HERE AND NOW I DON'T SEE HIM WHERE IS MY OLD BEST FRIEND?”

A chill went down my spine. He was right, I realized. There was no sign of Opisthia or Ichabod anywhere. Ichabod, I could totally see running out of here before his robes could get wet, but not Opisthia. Not when at least one of the potentially planet-destroying artifacts he'd worked so hard to protect was brewing up a Daggum-sized beverage. But then, where was he?

A flash of color caught my eye, and I looked up to see the puppet float out from behind one of the pedestals, face down in the tea. At first, I gasped in horror. He was—

No, I quickly reminded myself, he was not dead. He didn't have lungs to drown with in the first place.

Still, I glided over until I was hovering above him. Then, keeping one hand wrapped around George's stick, I reached down with the other and slid it inside Opisthia.

The puppet immediately came alive, jerking up out of the tea and looking around wildly. It was a really weird feeling. I could still feel my hand inside him, but I suddenly had no control over it. It moved on its own—or, rather, Opisthia moved it.

“Where is he?” he demanded. “Find him, quickly!”

“He was already gone when we got here,” I said, my heart sinking into my stomach. After all of that hard work, everything I’d sacrificed, that scumbag had gotten away.

“Not the thief!” Opisthia snapped. “Ichabod! You need to find him before he drowns!”

“Over here!” Jade exclaimed a moment later. I looked over to see her raising Ichabod's head out of the pool of tea.

“YAY!” George cheered.

“And I found the pitcher,” Ethan announced, dredging up the ceramic jug. It was upside down and spilling an endless amount of tea into the already-flooded room, but the moment he turned it rightside up it abruptly ceased. Almost immediately, the tea level began to go down, cascading out of the open doorway in a delicious brown waterfall.

I floated over to where Ichabod lay unconscious. Now that there was no risk of drowning, Jade had set his head back down and was furiously giving him CPR. I almost asked her where she had learned that, but it occurred to me that it would have been weirder if she didn't know it. Still, it was more than a little satisfying to see the fat jerk sit up and retch a lungful of tea down his robe.

“So, what happened?” I asked when he'd finally stopped coughing.

Opisthia hung his head in shame. “I have been made a fool of.”

“That lousy cretin waited until you were gone, and then started breaking the glass on the pedestals,” Ichabod growled. He got unsteadily to his feet, slapping Jade's hand away when she offered to help, then ripped Opisthia off my arm.

“I thought these things were enchanted to be impossible to break,” Ethan said, carefully setting the InfiniTea Pitcher back in its spot.

“As did we,” Opisthia said grimly. “But whatever spell he had infused into the end of his cane shattered the glass like…well, glass.”

“HENRY AND I FOUGHT A GIANT PILE OF EVIL AND THEN SHE CALLED ME A BAD BOY AND THEN I SAVED HER LIFE AND THEN SHE CALLED ME A GOOD BOY!” George reported, his spirits not the least bit dampened by any of this.

Opisthia turned to regard me. “It seems you've managed to gain at least some control over George. Come, tell me what happened.”

“Yes,” Ichabod sneered. “I would be very interested in hearing why you thought it was necessary to destroy half of Jah Beryge.”

I cringed. This was the part of the conversation I'd been dreading. As if it wasn't bad enough that I had wrecked Opisthia's house, I also had to explain how I'd broken one of his prisoners out of the dungeon and then proceeded to let him escape. I'd only done it to save Aesop's life, but I doubted that would do much to improve his mood.

Even so, I told him everything. Starting with George’s impression of a wrecking ball and ending the pillar collapsing on me, Opisthia listened without interrupting once. His face stayed perfectly expressionless throughout the entire story. You might think that would go without saying, but I knew all too well just how much emotion he could get across without needing to smile or frown.

“Typical Henrietta Rider,” Ichabod said once I'd finished. “Your ‘help’ only ever seems to make the situation worse. I honestly can't fathom why you've been kept around for so—”

“Was it your right leg that was broken?” Opisthia cut him off.

I hesitated, then nodded. Ichabod extended his arm, and Opisthia lowered his head to look at my broken leg. His big, round nose began to glow, and a beam of blue light shot from it. The moment it touched my leg, I sighed in relief as the pain washed away.

“So, what did you think of George?” he asked as I lowered myself to the ground and stood on my own feet.

“He's…scary,” I admitted, giving the bodiless horse a sidelong glance. “For most of the fight, he was completely out of my control.”

“But you did manage to control him in the end. And you witnessed firsthand the kind of destruction he can cause if used irresponsibly.” Opisthia paused, nodding thoughtfully. “Yes, it will take time to get you properly trained, but I see great potential in your future!”

I bowed my head and took George in both hands, holding him out. “I understand. Do whatever you think is…”

Wait, what?

I looked back up at him in shock, and Ichabod snorted in derision.

“As soft as cotton,” the Red muttered.

Opisthia ignored him. “I said that you will need training before you're able to properly wield George. Or did you think that you could master such an ancient and powerful weapon in a single afternoon?”

“Actually,” I said numbly, my brain sizzling inside my skull as it short circuited, “I thought you were going to lock me up and throw away the key.”

To my complete and utter surprise, Opisthia chuckled. “That would be difficult, considering what you just did to our dungeon, but if you're going to insist, I suppose we could put you in George's—”

“NO!” I exclaimed.

“Well, then you'll have to settle for coming here every night you're not out on a hunt. Does that sound agreeable to you?”

“HOORAY HENRY GETS TO KEEP BEING MY BEST FRIEND SO I AM HAPPY NOW!”

My head was spinning, and I reached out for something to brace myself against before I fell over. Ethan dashed over, grabbing my arm with a pale look on his face, and I realized I'd only been a few inches away from knocking the InfiniTea Pitcher over again.

“But…But why?” I stammered.

“Good question,” Ichabod muttered.

“What about everything I did?” I asked. My common sense was screaming at me for reminding him of my crimes after he'd apparently forgotten about them, but I ignored it the way I always did. “I thought you said I was on trial!”

“You were on Trial,” Opisthia agreed, nodding. “A fourth, unplanned Trial.”

I stared at the puppet. “A fourth…you mean this was just another test?”

“An unofficial one, but yes. I wanted to see what you would do. Would you allow me to give you my hammer, thinking you had fooled us? Or would you confess your wrongdoings and turn yourself over to justice?”

My head spun again, and I had to sit down. The remaining tea immediately soaked the seat of my pants, making it look like I had…never mind.

“You knew?” I asked softly, eyes wide. “You knew all along?”

“Not at first, but we had pieced it together by the end of the second Trial,” Opisthia said.

“You think the Council of Shnoob wouldn't notice when one of its members disappears without a trace?” Ichabod asked in disgust. “And then, not even an hour later, his granddaughter just so happens to wander into the headquarters of a secret organization, asking to be given one of the most powerful weapons in the universe? We're not fools, Henrietta, no matter how much you would like us to be.”

My face turned blue with embarrassment. I opened my mouth, but then swallowed the retort before it could come out. I deserved that, didn't I?

“Fortunately for all of us, you did exactly what I had hoped you would do,” Opisthia went on. “You told us the truth and were ready to accept the consequences of your actions no matter what they might be—actions that you took complete responsibility for so that your friends would not be punished alongside you. Even when given the opportunity to escape, you instead kept your promise and returned to face your punishment. You have proven your honor and integrity to me, Rider of Henries. But if you need further evidence, you need not look farther than that which you hold in your hand.”

Confused, I looked down at George.

“HENRY IS MY BEST FRIEND AND I LOVE HER ALSO I THINK SHE IS PLANNING A SURPRISE PARTY FOR MY BIRTHDAY BY THE WAY WHEN IS MY BIRTHDAY OPISTHIA AND WHY HAVE YOU NEVER THROWN ME A PARTY?”

“It may be hard to believe,” Opisthia said, the unmistakable sound of a smile in his voice, “but George possesses a level of insight that few mortals can match. He has accepted you as his wielder, Rider of Henries, and that tells me more than mere words ever could.”

I squeezed George’s stick, a wave of affection for the decapitated horse rolling unexpectedly over me.

“What about your home?” Ethan asked. “It's, uh…George really did a number on it.”

Opisthia laughed again. “George is always a tad overenthusiastic the first time a new Hunter wields him. Believe it or not, this isn't half as bad as it usually gets. We'll have everything rebuilt by the end of the week.”

“Wait!” I exclaimed, holding up a hand. “What about Aesop?”

Opisthia cocked his head, almost challengingly. “What about Aesop?”

“Aesop didn't do anything I didn't try to do too,” I said, talking as fast as I could. “If you’re letting me off the hook, then it's only fair that he be let off too!”

“Even after he left you to die, his wellbeing is still this much of a priority to you?”

I squeezed George's stick and looked away, my heart sinking down into my stomach.

“I abandoned him first,” I whispered.

Opisthia nodded in understanding. “Very well. To tell the truth, I had planned to release him after a few days. He is only a child, after all, and hopefully that would have been enough to teach him his lesson. But now, I'm worried that we may have only put him on an even darker path.”

I winced. Way to shoot yourself right in the cucumber salading foot, Aesop.

“What I can’t figure out,” Ethan interjected, “is what this was all for.”

I looked at him, smirking. “Really? We’ve been at this for three days, and you still haven’t wrapped your head around what we were trying to do?”

“Not you,” he said, shaking his head. “That Vague guy.”

“Blurry,” I corrected him.

“Sure, whatever. What was his end goal in all of this?” He pointed at the horse in my hands. “We thought he was after George, but he had the perfect opportunity to get his hands on him earlier. Instead, he let Henry run off, smashed the vault up, and then left. Why?”

I paused, thinking back to what he had said just after he’d appeared.

“It seems I overestimated you, Henry. I thought the task I had given you was the definition of simplicity, and yet you’ve done nothing but prove your incompetence.”

Ethan was right. He hadn’t been after George. But then, what had he been trying to get his hands on? And why had he left without…

Oh no.

“Check the artifacts!” I exclaimed.

The tea had long since drained out of the vault, leaving the floor sticky but mostly dry. More importantly, now the fallen pedestals and their broken glass cases were fully visible. I dashed over to the closest one and hefted it upright. Beneath it were the Spectacles of Aathoreid, the glass shattered but the frames still intact.

“Here’s the Flea Collar of Lurmk,” Jade said from nearby.

It only took a few minutes to get everything straightened out. It was obvious that the place would need a good scrubbing to rid it of the thick layer of sugary slime that now coated everything, but all of the artifacts were present and accounted for.

All except one.

“The Key of Mentis,” Opisthia said, his voice haunted. Even Ichabod seemed horrified.

A sharp whack echoed through the granite room, making me jump and spin around to see Ethan with his hand against his forehead.

“Of course!” he exclaimed. “How did I not see it? It was the only thing he could have possibly wanted!”

“What do you mean?” I asked, a pit forming in my stomach.

“Think about what Blurry said back at your house,” he explained, pacing back and forth across the vault. His feet made a sticky thwuck thwuck thwuck sound with every step. “He said that you were going to help him overcome a setback in his production. He also said that Legion was making it impossible to use his mind control talismans.”

My eyes opened wide. It felt like I’d just been struck like a gong, and my whole body was reverberating with the shock.

“He never wanted George,” I whispered. “He wanted the key!”

“So that he could use it to rewrite people’s personalities,” Ethan agreed, his face pale, “and turn them into people who want to sit around and laugh until they die!”

I whirled around to face Opisthia. “Can the Key of Mentis do that?”

Opisthia didn’t answer at first. Even with his expressionless face, I could see the horror shining in his googly eyes.

“Yes,” he finally whispered. “It can—”

Before he could finish, my phone started to ring. I pulled it out of my pocket, surprised that it even still worked after everything I had put it through over the past three…

I froze when I saw the caller ID, dropping George with a loud CLANG in my shock.

“OUCH.”

I raised it to my ear.

“Henry?”

I put my hand over my mouth, the wave of emotion that crashed into me when I heard the familiar voice nearly bringing me to my knees.

“M…Mom?”


NEXT CHAPTER 3/04/26