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More from Dorian Rabbit
something weird i wrote one night under a full moon.
weird scheme, weird order, and weirdness alltogether, but i still love using old english stuff.
weird scheme, weird order, and weirdness alltogether, but i still love using old english stuff.
Category Poetry / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 90px
File Size 691 B
A neat little poem here, in all a very good job.
Amongst its positive points, I think the rhyme scheme is fantastic. Slightly broken, whimsical, it makes a nice change from the usual AA BB kind of thing people tend to go with, and it's easily the best pert of this poem. I'd be eager to encourage you write more poetry using a scheme like this, since it's a very effective use of rhyme. Coming in a close second, though, is your choice of metaphor. Not only the fact that you used metaphor rather than opting for a lazy, simile-heavy approach, but also the metaphors you use. The idea of the moon being "easily sliced", for example, is a really stunning little line. Beautiful metaphors and captivating imagery really make this piece as enjoyable as it is.
As far as negative points go, they're practically negligable. There's one spelling mistake I spotted in the whole thing (I'm pretty sure you mean "dirge"), and your grammar and use of punctuation and such is neat and concise. The only other thing I'd say is that the use of the archaisms doesn't really add anything to the piece. Your metaphors and overall choice of language are lovely, imaginative and evocative enough. The archaisms just seem a little much, and run the risk of falling into the trap of tacky romanticism. Not that they detract anything from the piece, though, so if you're happy with them then that's fine.
My favourite part of the whole poem is that final three line block. It's the only simile you use, and it's gorgeous. The rhyme is excellent, it has a brilliant pace and flow. A well writte end to a well written poem, you should be very pleased with yourself.
Amongst its positive points, I think the rhyme scheme is fantastic. Slightly broken, whimsical, it makes a nice change from the usual AA BB kind of thing people tend to go with, and it's easily the best pert of this poem. I'd be eager to encourage you write more poetry using a scheme like this, since it's a very effective use of rhyme. Coming in a close second, though, is your choice of metaphor. Not only the fact that you used metaphor rather than opting for a lazy, simile-heavy approach, but also the metaphors you use. The idea of the moon being "easily sliced", for example, is a really stunning little line. Beautiful metaphors and captivating imagery really make this piece as enjoyable as it is.
As far as negative points go, they're practically negligable. There's one spelling mistake I spotted in the whole thing (I'm pretty sure you mean "dirge"), and your grammar and use of punctuation and such is neat and concise. The only other thing I'd say is that the use of the archaisms doesn't really add anything to the piece. Your metaphors and overall choice of language are lovely, imaginative and evocative enough. The archaisms just seem a little much, and run the risk of falling into the trap of tacky romanticism. Not that they detract anything from the piece, though, so if you're happy with them then that's fine.
My favourite part of the whole poem is that final three line block. It's the only simile you use, and it's gorgeous. The rhyme is excellent, it has a brilliant pace and flow. A well writte end to a well written poem, you should be very pleased with yourself.
i love long comments like this. I have severe ocd, so this was actually odd for me to do, cuz i write nothing but aa bb as you said, plus an equal amount of abab and abba
i can't remember how to spell dirge, so you're probably right about that.
I actually did write this poem as soon as i walked outside that night. I grabbed a pen and pencil immediately because i haven't felt any inspiration in such a long time.
The archaisms are there only because if i feel that any one word disrupts the flow even a little, i change it. Archaisms help a lot with flow because they are single syllables usually.
Though not directly based off of any particular rhyme scheme, the wierd scheme i used came about from reading a bunch of Poe before hand.
As for the final lines, i redid that part a few times, and finally settled on what you see. I wanted to obviously compare the moon and its routine to that of a clockwork orange (simple on the outside, yet a slave to its own purpose on the inside, much like the character from the movie of the same name). this is one of the few poems that has an unusual rhymescheme. Thanks for the comment!
i can't remember how to spell dirge, so you're probably right about that.
I actually did write this poem as soon as i walked outside that night. I grabbed a pen and pencil immediately because i haven't felt any inspiration in such a long time.
The archaisms are there only because if i feel that any one word disrupts the flow even a little, i change it. Archaisms help a lot with flow because they are single syllables usually.
Though not directly based off of any particular rhyme scheme, the wierd scheme i used came about from reading a bunch of Poe before hand.
As for the final lines, i redid that part a few times, and finally settled on what you see. I wanted to obviously compare the moon and its routine to that of a clockwork orange (simple on the outside, yet a slave to its own purpose on the inside, much like the character from the movie of the same name). this is one of the few poems that has an unusual rhymescheme. Thanks for the comment!
I'd certainly encourage you to try more in this rhyme scheme, or even carry on experimenting with different rhyme styles, since this one has worked out rather well indeed. A little variety is always a good thing.
Immediate inspiration is always a lovely thing. There are definitely elements to this piece that suggest a bit of sponteneity, so it's safte to say that your inspiration shows! If it helps produce similarly delightful poetry then I hope your inspiration lasts.
I hadn't considered the pacing of the sentences, so that's a fair enough observation. If they're something that helps you with pacing and keeping the flow of the poem in line then perhaps the archaisms aren't too much of a worry. It's possibly just my personal preference, but there you have it. They certainly don't detract from the rest of the work, so they're definitely not something to worry about.
The effort and consideration you've shown to the final few lines definitely shines through. Definitely something you should be proud of.
Always a pleasure, I hope the comments have been constructive.
Immediate inspiration is always a lovely thing. There are definitely elements to this piece that suggest a bit of sponteneity, so it's safte to say that your inspiration shows! If it helps produce similarly delightful poetry then I hope your inspiration lasts.
I hadn't considered the pacing of the sentences, so that's a fair enough observation. If they're something that helps you with pacing and keeping the flow of the poem in line then perhaps the archaisms aren't too much of a worry. It's possibly just my personal preference, but there you have it. They certainly don't detract from the rest of the work, so they're definitely not something to worry about.
The effort and consideration you've shown to the final few lines definitely shines through. Definitely something you should be proud of.
Always a pleasure, I hope the comments have been constructive.
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