Michael: You think I really give a fuck? I can’t even read.
Michael: bitches b like “im baby” but have childhood trauma and neglect like wtf do u know about being baby u were forced to grow up from an early age anyways I’m bitches
Michael: You seem familiar, have I threatened you before?

Elizabeth: Not trying to brag or anything, but I can wake up without an alarm clock now simply due to my crippling and overwhelming anxiety, so...
Elizabeth: People are always asking me if I'm a morning person or a night person.
Elizabeth: And I'm just like, 'Buddy! I'm barely even a PERSON!'
Elizabeth: Well, well, well... if it isn’t my old friend: the dawning realization that I fucked up bad.

Peter, motioning to a Halloween display: All these ghosts! All these ghosts! I still can’t find a boo.
Peter: 'Person of interest' is almost too flattering.
Peter: Like, if the police were to pound on my door and go, 'A man has been murdered in your building and you are a person of interest,' I'd be like, 'Moi? Oh, do go on.'
Peter: With great power comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.

Fhillip: If I'm really as evil as you say I am, then have the gods strike me down where I stand.
*Lightning strikes Fhillip*
Fhillip: Ha! Nice try, jackass! Next time, give it your A-game!
Fhillip: What doesn't kill me should run, because now I'm fucking pissed.
Fhillip: That awkward moment when you're scrolling through someone's old Instagram posts and you accidentally comment the entire Declaration of Independence