̶d̶o̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶r̶e̶m̶e̶m̶b̶e̶r̶ ̶m̶e̶?̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶b̶i̶g̶g̶e̶s̶t̶ ̶f̶a̶n̶ ̶(̶c̶)̶

art featuring mine and Rendezvous' sonas

look whose hair got longer hey hey



Okay, I think I'm now able to draw little sketches from life again. For a whole year, I had a strange block that prevented me from doing so.

So, since that's happened, how about some news from my life as well. There's a lot of good mixed in with the bad here.
I've made great progress in overcoming my PTSD. I've even had a revelation about it, I would say.
It also turns out that C-PTSD and PTSD can coexist, so I still have a lot of work to do.

Also came to good terms with my mom.


On the bad side, I have growing health problems, and I'm afraid it won't end until I go back to my old insulin program or... I don't even know. Right now, I have problems with my leg.
And also, if I can calm down the PTSD, it turns out that the OCD can rage just as strongly, and it takes a lot of energy just to endure it. I've developed an obsessive thought that my friends might be disappointed in me / hate me, but they can't leave me, at least because they feel pitiful for me in light of all the recent events.

They saw what a doormat (softy? I don't know the right for it in my native language it's called "тряпка" -tryapka-)

I might be while they watched me try to excuse a person by their mental problems when they were either ignoring me or being rude to me. This is a separate topic for reflection because I am also trying to understand what is wrong with me, since I have been in similar situations at least several times with three people who were very close to me.

A person with whom we had been friends or lovers for years began to treat me as if I were an uninvited guest at least and an enemy at most and either avoided me or was openly annoyed with me, while I refuse to believe that it is because they want to break up with me so I tried to continue to be a supportive friend, excusing such behavior to serious problems that the person does not tell me about or is not even aware of themselves. Yes, even when these persons left me in serious situations where I needed help, I never revenged them or something. Just kept being around and offer help where I could. In almost all situations the end was came after I dared to call their behavior out, once again not even in passive aggressive way, but with all respect I could provide even given that I tired to walk in eggshells and tired of all this toxicity.
In all three situations I also was blamed in manner "I don't care I abandoned you earlier and treated you like shit, does not matter that I was rude to you and made you nervous, you recently say something strange and not nice and while you always find excuses for me I won't bother to see your struggles including the ones I brought to you myself so yes, while I was rude to you for months I am now very offended for you for this not very smooth talk" which hurts me on a special level really.
But I guess it often coexist - toxic persons are super sensitive for other's words somehow.

In all three situations - politer and kinder I was enduring their behaviors the worst it became in 1 case person became super verbally aggressive, in two others I was ghosted badly, to the degree that I started to doubt if I exist at all to see these persons' posts and talks.
Don't get me wrong, everything comes to an end eventually, I get it, too. Friendships too. I just wish it could end civilly in these cases. If they were honest with it and talk I would be terrified of course but I would not be tormented in a way I was as well as I believe I am now mature enough to take it decently.
And I wonder that it's my mistakes from the start - people don't get into such situations because they don't became close with this kind of (immature?) people. Or if became close - they're breaking these relationships after the first couple of red flags. I stand with such persons for years because
'true friends don't lieve their friends because they are socially clumsy or if they are making mistakes
' right? Even huge mistakes. I stand for years. For decades even. Only to find out one day that these persons are easily ditching me when they are not comfortable with me calling them out or disappointed with me not being the "perfect victim".

Anyway if you reed this far and feel confused or even disgusted with me, believe me I don't blame you, I am just afraid my friends feel this to the degree they would like to end our relationship as well, but they can't throw a rock to the one who is already beaten.

In any case, this post is not about how much of a victim I am, how bad everything is for me, and how I can't help myself. I can. I am nobody's victim, it does not represent me in any way.
I don't even believe that my exes are true abusers or inherently bad persons, more like they are toxic as products of their dysfunctional families and mental disorders, it explains partially their behavior, but not justifying it, yeah I understand that.
The habit of thinking about others first is so strong that I sometimes still hope that my exes' situation is improving. Even though I know they didn't care about me even when we were friends, and now even less so.

I don't want to be a toxic person who constantly blames others for their own failures, revels in their role as a victim, and at the same time doesn't let anyone help them. I can help myself, everything is fine, but right now I just wanted to get it off my chest, I think.

I have a conversation with my friends ahead of all o this anyway, I'm just afraid that it will start a spiral of OCD — because if that they may start convincing me otherwise about what I'm afraid of as with OCD it's the wrong thing to do.

Also, my anniversary is today already!

Because it's already midnight in my hellcountry
That's partly why I'm reflecting. My last anniversary was dull because I was completely lost in my thoughts about what was wrong with me — I described part of that reflection above.

Now it's my anniversary, and if I don't fall into fear when this relationship of mine ends in the same ugly way as the three cases described above, then everything will be fine, I think 😅


I am also afraid of self-fulfilling prophecies. After all, I can already see how I am more reserved with others because I have these obsessive thoughts and give in to fear. I am less warm with others than I used to be, and I want to fix that.

All this information should go to my psychotherapist, really, oh. But if you've read this far and my strange thoughts and strange description of my .. well no less strange actions haven't scared you away yet, then thank you very much! If you feel like you would like to write some critique of my thoughts / described actions - feel free to do so I am open for everything.

Wish me luck today.
and...psst guys
without your amazing support - emotional and or financial as anxious little mess as I am I would never have got even this far

thank you for being so patient with me 💛

I will be back working on commissions in this day evening already

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