"I will always think about you.
That's why I'm calling you back on my way through."

- Souk Eye by Gorillaz.

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I've been listening to a lot of Gorillaz lately, easily shaping up as one of my favorite bands of all time, and I'm not usually too heavy on music like that. Meaning I usually don't think I ever have a favorite band or musical artists, thinking I enjoy music passively, my ears just like whatever they like, nothing more than that. But I'm finally able to say I have artists to say I love and enjoy and will always love what they put out consistently, and those would be Red Vox, Gorillaz, and Evan Fong. But Gorillaz is the most recent.

Like I've mentioned in most of my limited posts from this year, it's been a hard one. I lost some really close to me and I really miss them, the pain of knowing they're out there and no longer needing me in their life. It hurts a special ton. I've been through many depressive episodes this year because of it, my worst ones ever in my life. When it all happened, it was too much and I actively attempted to...Well, I don't want to say it but I'm sure you'll understand what I'm alluding to.

Obviously, I was stopped, as I'm here making posts still, but, it happened and I guess since then I'm still passively trying, but in ways that aren't as noticeable, like upping the amount of my sleeping medication I take, but clearly, still, I remain.

The pain hurts and it won't stop.

I don't have any kind of insurance or health coverage to seek out medical help such as anti-depressants, even though I wouldn't take any regardless if I had such things or not. That's not what I want for me. I don't want to rely on medication to be happy. The things that I know can make me happy in life are personal connection to those, those who are willing to look past my faults and see me as flawed person who does want to be good in her life. And I had that...but I lost it due to those flaws I mentioned. I can't afford any kind of counseling or therapy for myself, and I have an innate distrusting of therapists and counselors anyways. I'm sure they do ultimately mean well, but I've never liked being pulled out randomly when I was in school to talk about stuff with counselors. It always made me think there was something wrong with me. That I was different, and hell maybe I was...maybe still am.

I did find, however, I do have Histrionic and Borderline Personality Disorder. So, I guess there was some reason for that feeling. It's nice to have a name for the clouded feelings I've had ever since becoming a teenager, but doesn't make the struggle any less harder.

Throughout my most depressive episodes, losing myself in the darkness, floating aimlessly, music I've really been getting to connect with more. Understanding lyrics of the songs that I hear and listen to each day, and feeling something connect to the words innately at random. And the other night, lost in an endless night, I found myself listening to The Now Now by Gorillaz and Souk Eye popped up, and whilst listening, the song began to resonate within me. I can't explain how or why it did, but it just did. Finding myself in tears as I listened to it, and I haven't even listened to the rest of the album because I keep replaying Souk Eye.

It's incredibly self-deprecating to do, and maybe that's one of my problems, but I tend to find myself to be someone who isn't...all that well with higher-functioning media processing. Sometimes subtle meanings and messages of Film, Art, Games, and Music fly over my head so easily and I'm just that picture of the dog with a multi-colored propeller hat, so, I try my best not to ever interpret things too deeply and let others do it for me. Don't get me wrong I do think for myself a lot, but with Media I like to have others almost unanimous interpretations of things than ever give out my own. So, I read that Souk Eye is a song that can easily seemingly be seen as a song about two lovers and desire for connection and maintaining that. (Even though Damon Albarn apparently made it about an eye infection he got lmao.)

I guess maybe that's why the song resonated so largely within me, is because I felt that potential interpretation of it's meaning, about lovers and their desire and connection for love.

I desire so strongly to be with my soulmate again, apologize for all the wrongdoings I've down, and how badly I hurt them. To be able to be free and love with them again as they were the star in my night sky. They guided me in a world full of a darkness, their light reminding me my world doesn't have to be as dark as it is. But I looked away for one moment and I lost them. I lost my star.

I can't move on from them. I never will be able to move on from them. People will tell me that I can, I just need to work at it and time will heal me if I let it, but for someone like me...I know full-well in my heart I'll never be able to move on from this person. So, like the song says, I will always think about them.

I can't let go. I won't let go. They meant too much to me for me to just...let them go. Without them I don't think I'll never be fully myself ever again, since they were the one and only one that saw me for who I was and never let my faults or flaws dissuade them away from me as a person. I'll love them to my dying breath. I just hope I can see and talk to them one more time before I leave, whenever I do.

I poured a lot of those feelings into making this piece, re-doing the now-now cover art with it's colors onto my self-insert; to try and make my feelings seem real and visible. The song means a lot to me, and I don't know if it's my favorite Gorillaz song ever but, it's definitely up there. I know I sound like a wackjob probably, but I don't really care anymore. Art is finally something I'm beginning to feel myself getting better with and finding enjoyment in it once again, as I can now have an outlet for my feelings and that's exactly what this piece is. My feelings. My love for Gorillaz, and a song they created that touched me strongly, that made me feel...real. And my frustration of being stuck in a spot where I yearn and desire for the love of my other half and how I wish I could get it back and maintain it.

It's both a vent post as well as a post to express my love for Gorillaz as artists. If you read this far into my depressing yapping, I appreciate it. I don't know how frequent my 'vent' art will manifest, but I imagine it'll happen again with how I'm doing art a lot more nowadays since I'm finding enjoyment in it again; something I thought I'd never feel again. If it made you depressed, I'm sorry lmao.

I have an alt to this that's with normal flat-coloring. In other news, I've doing some sketches and whatnot in preparation for Spooktober. I'm trying to hold off on posting them until spooktober, but I may get overzealous and post them prematurely because I'm quite happy with how they're coming along. Broadening the art that I do and it's content. It's still kink/fetish content, of course, but it's been fun. Can't wait to get it out. Again, if you've read this far down. Thank you, I really really really do appreciate it. I'm overall just shouting into a void here. I could vent on my tumblr but I do that already and it's even more of a void than here that I'm shouting into. At least here I have people who may actually see and click on my ramblings given I have more watchers/followers here than anywhere else.

But that's about it. Seeya.

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Always feel free to talk to me if you want!

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