TW: DEATH MENTION, MEDICAL STUFF

Drew this a few days ago but I wasn't in the headspace to talk. Honestly I don't know if I'm really ready to talk now? But I probably should for my own mental health.

Basically, my mom is on hospice care. We're all hoping she'll get stronger from her current ailment, but it's been so up and down that I'm not sure what's going to happen or how to feel fully. Sometimes I'm fine, and I feel fine with things, sometimes I get super upset and anxious. I'm of course scared of losing my mom, but I'm also so, so scared about my future.

For those who don't know, I've been taking care of my mom for about 12 years now as her caregiver. She's been sick basically since I became an adult, and she's needed a full time care giver. To put it in cold business terms, she's basically been my employer. Because I've been her caregiver, I haven't been able to get a normal job, or go to college. So I have no degree or job history, which sucks so much, and it's even worse because of the state of the world right now. So I often get so scared about what's next. I can't afford a home, I have no idea what kind of job I'll be able to get- assuming I can even get one.

I'm so scared of what's next. I don't know what to do, or how I'll care for myself and my cat. I have no idea how I'll function when my mom goes, as she's been my rock for so long. She's also my last living parent. I'm not ready for her to go, but I also don't want to see her suffer.

It just sucks that this is happening, and to someone as wonderful as my mom. I hate that there are evil people who are healthy and get to see their 80s or 90s, while my mom is in her 60s and is so sick she's bedridden. I get so jealous of the other people who have "normal problems" in my age demographic. I wish I was a normal person with a normal job whose saved and finally able to afford a normal house with my normal partner and my normal healthy parents. Instead, I'm in such a bad place all the time, and I feel like I'm fighting alone a lot (I'm not, but feelings manifest weird).

I feel like I've been drowning since I was eighteen. It's so hard for me to remember how much good I have in my life sometimes, because the bad is just so constant and so loud. I know the tides can change, and things can improve. I just wish I wasn't in a whirlpool.

I have so much more I could rant about, but this is already long, and I don't want to feed any negative thoughts any longer. I just hope one day I'll look at this post and feel like my life is in a healthier, better place.