Art by  skeletalheart

Please note "ON" is short for Old Narrator.


It was a dark and dreary night for the loveless corgi Todd Baker, he was headed home after another failed attempt to find someone to love him. Someone who cared. Wondering if it was even worth the effort to try anymore. Thinking how easy it would be to just drive off of a nearby cliff into a deep, rocky, cavernous ravine... To shed his mortal coils and BONK

???: "Alright, tall, dark, and dismal, new narrator taking over here. You are WAY too mean to the dog. Keep that shit up and PETA and possibly the Royal family will be on our asses for corgi abuse. Let's start over, shall we?" I said holding the wooden club that I used to knock out the last narrator. I then tied up the ON and gagged him with a sock and started up at the typewriter.

It was a hot Summer evening and Todd Baker was on his way home with a gallon of ice cream for his girlfriend...
???: "Fluff, I don't know who to put him with. Uh... really should have thought about that before writing that." I said pacing the floor for a moment. "Every girl he's had interest in has her charms but I wouldn't really call any of them 'soulmates'. Xiyue or Ashley would probably be safe right? Maybe one of the Agapov sisters? Nah, they are way too rough for him." I pulled out the page from the typewriter I was using and crumpled it up before tossing it in the bin.

???: "Perhaps I should make him a new girl to love? Like a fresh start! A girl that no one reading this would have any preconceived bias towards one way or the other." I cracked my knuckles ready to do that before realizing that would just be a cheap copout. "No. I better use an existing citizen of Bakersville. Someone people know but wouldn't expect right off?" I drooped in my chair a moment looking up at the ceiling. "Okay. Let's think about this logically. Todd is a generic little dog with a good heart. Not much to go off of, but is easy to pair with someone. This should be easy. Let me check my notes..." I say going through the mental checklists.

???: "So one guy suggested Xiyue. She has plenty of merit, and would likely be the safest if a bit dull. I could see the two getting along well, but she wouldn't be the most interesting to write for. No real oddities or quirks." I rubbed my eyelids trying to get some clarity. "Kichaa is a very valid choice. Pretty as a peach, a bit chaotic, would be fun to write a dynamic between the tiny dog and his massive girlfriend. But she is pretty stubborn when she thinks she is in the right. Way too high of a risk of her just tossing him somewhere. I'd hate to disappoint a certain someone by not picking her though."
I stretched and popped my back a bit before continuing. "Darlene is a good choice if it weren't for her constantly being on the defensive. If she'd just lower her guard a little and let her heart be open for even a few minutes to give him a shot. Had at least two people suggest her. Then again a certain someone thinks he and Adlai are perfect for one another, since she was literally programmed to be his guard. But then the ethics are questionable on her. Does she actually like him, or does she like him because she HAS to? Khatara would be the most easy going gal for him, plus the little guy already has a thing for her paws. Who am I kiddin, I do to. The way she makes your back pop when she gives you an Ashiatsu... Ashley has been suggested by the very one who designed her, but outside of a few interactions I just don't know if there's enough there to make it work..."

???: "So, who did you have planned for him before you started mistreating him huh?" I said removing my sock from the old narrator's mouth to let him answer.
ON: "Well, to be honest. It was going to be Anya after a redemption arc. But then I got too many ideas. So many awesome girls like you to choose from."
???: "N-now listen here, I can't write him to be with me. That would be.. that would just be..."
The old narrator took over to remark how this girl was blushing like crazy. How she was covering herself feeling a bit flustered by his words.
ON: "Clearly you must have thought about it. You knocked me out to get in here to try and help him. Hey, how's about you and I make a deal. You let me have my job back, and I'll do my best to keep you two together."
???: "On one other condition. Make him, Anya, and Darlene less likely to turn a gun on themselves if they get depressed?"
ON: "Yes, fine. I'll treat them better."
???: "And, keep Vera's kidnapping thing. It's kind of hot how she just takes what she wants.... but maybe have her kidnap me with Todd? I'm open to that whole harem type setup you had going a while back. But I'd like to be his MAIN girl ya know? Possibly cool Whitney's sex drive a little? Personally I think she's great but she could break that little guy's pelvis."
ON: "Awfully demanding aren't you ???, or rather Jackie." He said with a smirk before Jackie untied him and let him get back to work.
Jackie: "Thank you, sorry about the sock."
ON: "No worries. I've tasted far worse. But was the wooden club to my head really necessary?"
Jackie: "To keep you from running him off the road, yeah."
ON: "I have one question before you go though."
Jackie: "Shoot your shot."
ON: "How did you know all those things you were saying earlier? About people suggesting partners for him?"
She smiled before dashing out, not answering him.