I think the most dramatic thing about this song is the instrumentation. The piano with the guitar in this composition has an unusual and dissonant feel.
Each individual part sounds good by itself but when they are put together it sounds rather "chaotic".
I really think that you should either change the instrumentation of this or change how much the guitar plays and change the guitars melody a tad.
Or maybe even changing the piano over to acoustic guitar or harpischord. I dont know. It seems a little improvised.

Like I said the individual parts sound good by themselves. Just chaotic together.
If you would like more help just tell us.