OH yeah. had to make TWO of these last thanksgiving for all the furs and assorted others that dropped in.

and now i reveal my sekrits!!!!!!!!

Ok i suck at writing out recipes. i never measure shit. i do everything by taste and look. I know i know Alton Brown would cry.

Anyway this was a twenty lb turkey and this is what i did to make this bitch

So you thaw the thing. this takes forever and ever but gives you plenty of time to assemble the culinary heart attack.

first i take several small cornish game hens. and i stuff them with HOT stuffing (this is a key thing in properly stuffing a bird if you worry about little things like killing your guests) The stuffing goes like this and makes more than you need for two little birds but the rest then gets stuffed in the bigger turkey around them when they are stuffed in so your turkey is preggers

one box stove top (or other brand)
One can Cream of Mushroom
One can Cream of Chicken
on packet Onion Sup mix
Just enough turkey broth to make the damn condensed soup move
flavoured croutons
BACON! crumbled and well defended from your mate and others
Mix the soups and soup packet in a bowl and heat til they are hot and moist. Add stuffing mix and croutons and bacon and stir like a tornado and let sit to become fluffy. if it is too soft and mushy add more croutons! thats what they live to do anyway!
you want semi dense but not like OMG MUSH stuffing. While it is hot you shove that right into those little birds like something a wolf would do with a fox. and then place those birds in a baking dish and surround them with the rest of the stuffing. cover and place in a 250 degree oven and forget about the things for say 2 hours. until they are getting all tender and loving.

stare at the turkey until it thaws with the power of you anger.

Meanwhile run about the kitchen like a chicken with your head cut off doing other foods.

finally the Turkey is done thawing and little guys are all ready to be unbirthed into this monstrosity of a culinary assassin. Rip all the innards out that big old turkey and do whatever with them. some people like em chopped up and cooked and in the stuffing. if so do that. plenty of butter in that pan frying of organ meats or they get AWFULLY DRY. or better yet the bacon grease. it makes everything better according the bacon freaks.

Any way grab some of that hot cornish hen infused stuffing from the baking dish and make a little padding in the body cavity then shove those babies in there all nice and cozy. They will be HOT so do not like barehand midwife them in or anything stupid. and do not press them into pate in the process. then fill in behind them with more stuffing. all the leftover stuffing (or make more if ya need it sometimes i end up using like three boxes of stuffing. see i told you i suck at writing these recipes) but stuff that cavity up front where the next used to join the body. STUFF IT LIKE A PINATA FOR A BUNCH OF FAT KIDS!* Ok now that every cavity is filled like some piece of art that makes your eyes burn and make you need cuddle therapy use you hand starting from the rear cavity and pull the skin up from the tit portion. and push some butter in there. like maybe half a lb of that shit. and USE GOOD BUTTER! for Brahma's sake it is not like you are going to eat this every day.

Now we come to the bacon. and not just any bacon works here. OH NO this bitch gets FOUR FUCKING TYPES

Apple wood smoked
Thick Cut Amish
Slated Pork Belly
something cheap and fatty

Place salted pork belly over the entire tit. it always needs the most help
Apple wood goes over everything. make sure nothing can be seen. this is usually a lb and half
do the same with the thick cut amish. this is the main flavour layer. those three are what will infuse the turkey with blasphemous goodness.
then cover everything again with the cheap shit. this is to keep the rest from burning at the edges closest to the roasting sides and to just get those delicious juices to stay in.

you can add dry breadcrumbs or stuffing mix around the sides of the turkey to sop up all the grease and juice that does escape making yet another delicious stuffing.

Now place in oven covered well or keep in a big ass roaster covered and set the oven to 200 degress and forget about it for like 9 to 10 hours. Honestly. do this before bed and let it fill the house the smells of heaven.

then check your bird the bacon will be cooked but pale and meh looking. SCOOP OUT THE STUFFIN ON THE SIDES NOW! cause it is time to brown the ho. once you have removed the stuffing (as much as you can. don't go crazy you just do not want a bunch of burned stuffing.) return to the vessel of cooking and turn that heat up to 450 and then check on it like after a half hour and fifteen minute intervals until level of browning desired occurs.

Pull out (thats what she said) and place in a place of honor and power and BEHOLD!!!!!!!!!!! then grab a chunk for yourself and run like a bitch. people will run you down for this shit. the first year i made it i did not get a BITE of it. fifteen minutes after revealing it it was a skeleton and some stuffing. Luckily i never make just ONE turkey for my thanksgiving. so i had the Herb Butter one i will detail later.

Now place the throughly violated turkey in the roaster pan. allow it to weep silently.

* i am a very fat person so i can say fat. it is our word!