I was supposed to post this on April 1st, but I was hesitant, indeed, as I am now.
Please just skip the soul stream below and pass by, there will be a lot of useless whining. I still doubt this decision, but okay, let's have this shit-post.







Once a year, I have the right to draw a little for myself, but I don't want to draw anything, so this quick experiment looks better in a sketch than in a finished version.
On the first of this month, I did my first stupid thing and came out into the world. But the stupidest thing was done five years ago and it affects me very much every day, because I can't get out of this on my own, and in the current situation it becomes impossible. Every day I'm afraid that structures will come and expel me, because I'm illegally occupying an abandoned building, and I have nowhere to go. I'm such an idiot.
I am ashamed of my situation, I am ashamed that my friends continue to communicate with me, because they are accomplished personalities, realized, and I am something that has fallen to the bottom, which is stuck in a situation and can not get out of it because there is no strength, no opportunity, age, after all. All I can do is live in illusions and dreams, barely surviving. And given the deteriorating situation, I don't know what to do at all.
"Everything will be fine." I hate that phrase, I hate it the most, because nothing is going to happen. Even though they tell me that I see everything in dark colors, that I am categorical and everything is in extremes, I am the queen of drama, I am ashamed that I cannot solve my problems, which are most likely easy to solve, but I do not see a solution. And this realization drives me even more to a dead end. Yes, I've learned to convince myself that I don't have any problems, that it's all a small thing, who still doesn't live in an abandoned house without communications, who still barely survives without food, someone is even worse off, and I have no right to complain. Moreover, I am not able to improve the situation in any way.
Recently, I felt so bad that I wanted to run to the city and look for a doctor. I was stopped by the realization that no one would accept it for free.
I'm not looking for excuses or pity. Sometimes I want to speak out, just like that, without an answer. I whine and move on, even if these steps hardly change the pit that is sucking me deeper. I know it all sounds pathetic, but I'm not a strong person either.
I want to find a place that I can call home, where others won't hate me. I want the dawn, whose light will dispel the darkness and emptiness inside, I want this pain to pass. But I can't wait for relief. I have a lot to say, I guess. But I guess I just made it up... Excuse me.
_{^{I just don't understand living for the sake of living when you're on the brink of survival..... why...}}