Art by  drartiel

>>> I Will Not Break This Time by Disturbed <<<

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So here we go again. I got this piece a year ago, but there was no good opportunity to upload it. Until now. Why does life love to throw me curveballs?

It's been a really tough time again. Some bad, some good. Mostly bad, but trying to focus on the good. For a very TLDR format: I'm stuck in a very shit job again with almost no benefits, I feel trapped and humiliated and it feels like I have to swallow my pride again and again. I'm kind of used to it at this point but its so tiring.

At the same time, the world is rapidly becoming ever darker. I'm trying to pick my fights while also being helpful and a support for those in need. But with everything going on not just locally but also globally, my news intake has went from roughly 30 min per day to 90-120 min per day just to try and stay on top of everything. At the same time my work hours are picking up and the local queer community is also asking for more and more involvement. And of course I love helping out and giving back to the community but it still takes time and energy. I haven't had a single day off since Feb 4th and its starting to really wear me down. How can I tell?

My CFS is flaring back up. I'm starting to become incredibly forgetful again, I forget what I want to say while I'm speaking. I forget words. I mumble when I actually do speak. I'm perpetually tired and my caffeine consumption has skyrocketed to counter it. All creative drive is dead. And at the same time I see so many friends suffer too from what sometimes feel to be an unstoppable wave of evil. But us giving up is exactly what they want, and that was never my style.

I'm taking some mitigations to avoid another full crash (again). I'm spending less time online, shut down my server and am over all being more frugal with my time. Putting my energy and focus on where it needs to go. If there's one thing this ness can do its survival, even if she comes out as a walking corpse at the end of it. I'm already hopelessly behind on so many things from my big CFS crash of 2020, so right now I keep chipping away at that mountain with a pickaxe while at the same time trying to make sure that nothing more is added to it. If I keep chipping away a little bit every day, there will be a tunnel through in the end.

Just, please... bare with me as I do. I'm not a nice and happy person right now. I will be better. I just need time to actually be sad, angry and frustrated right now. I'll cya on the other side

Kind regards,
your perpetually exhausted pigeon Val

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PS. I'm terribad at responding to DMs on Discord, even if I'm seemingly active in servers. I just don't have the energy to open up the DMs and start 5+ convos at once as to not leave anyone hanging. Or it could well be that I saw your message when I was on the go somewhere, thought "imma reply later" and then forgot about it. DS.