Hmm, no time to read through this now, but I'll give it a go in the morning. ^_^

~GR

Holy SHIT!
Beautiful intro chapter, and Darastarix was in it!
*Flies off to make ramifactions on his own work*

Very nice! Just one thing--have you ever read your work out loud to yourself while you edit? Sometimes I find it helps me smooth out the rhythm better than just looking at it will. ^_^ I loved the description of the sparks turning the sand to glass!

~GR

No, have never tried it - will now, tho!Why, U think the rhythm needed work?

There were a few word repeats that disrupted the natural rhythm. Reading it out loud means you can catch this almost immediately. ^_^

~GR

Man, that dragon's dreams make more sense than mine...

Anyway, nice story. I'm not familiar with Lovecraft, so I probably can't fully appreciate this, but I still thought it was pretty good.

Two critiques, though: one, like Grey said, you should probably read it out loud, 'cause some parts do sound a little awkward. Second, did you really have to put yourself in here? I mean, I know your fursona is cool and all, but he's no Kilgore Trout, so it seems kinda mary-sueish to put him in there as a main character (and as such an obvious badass). I dunno, maybe it's just me?

One last thing. Are blue dragons always that hostile? I mean, damn...

1. Yes, as chromatics, blues are always nasty, although they're usually the nicest and most out going of the chromatics.
2. Didn't I say in previous journals that you'd be seeing more of Darastrix as a secondary character in another series? Well, I was reffering to this one!

Well, I suppose so, but the fact of the matter is, I don't quite think you pulled it off right this time. The problem with inserting yourself in a story is that you focus too much upon yourself and make yourself out to be an uber-badass, which is the epitome of Mary Sue. You did this in the story: you take this guy on calmly and cooly, you aren't affected by any of his attacks, and you purposefuly come off as a badass. I mean, you even put in there that the blue dragon couldn't help admiring Darstrix. I'm sorry, but it's bad, bad, bad.

That's not to say that doing author insertions will always result in an atrocity (sp?); sometimes, they work out pretty well. Take Kurt Vonnegut (yeah, I know you're probably tired of me referring to him, but he's to me what Ayn Rand is to you). In his book Slaughterhouse-5, he's a character, but only as a passing reference, not a main character. In Breakfast of Champions, he appears as the author of the book (literally, he's the creator of the universe), but he doesn't make this at all apparent to the characters; they think he's just another regular guy. He doesn't do anything extraodinary that they'd notice, or call attention to himself in anyway. Only the reader is in on it. And even then, he acknowledges that, even though he's creator of this universe, his powers are limited.

I know, I know, I've tried author insertions too, in my story Out to Lunch, but I think I pulled it off at least half-decently (I know, I know, no one's really read it, and this sounds pretty hypocritical, but bear with me). I mean, I'm the author, creator of the universe, but I'm a McDonalds cashier, and not even a good one. I don't awe the other characters or anything; in fact, only one person realizes I'm the author and still treats me with general apathy.

I dunno. Author insertions are fine, but hard to do. Don't try to call a lot of attention to yourself, and, preferably, if the story isn't explicitly about you, you're better off as a minor character.

Well... He's not exactly a minor character in this, but he's pretty much like the 2nd computer-controlled player in a 1-player videogame. Kinda like the Eragon game (and if you make any comment towards the Eragon ref, I swear to Bahamut... *threatening silence*)

I didn't say he was a minor character, I'm saying that it would have been better if he'd been a minor character. Even being the 2nd computer-controlled character (I've never played the Eragon video game, so I don't know exactly how that works, so I'm gonna assume it's like Sword of Mana or something) still calls too much attention to yourself, and, like I said, you make yourself too awesome (that's right, one can be too awesome for some purposes), which still makes your character a Mary Sue. I'm just saying that you should either tone your character down, give him a lesser role, or not have him there at all.


You're not gonna kill me for not having played the Eragon game, are you? *prepares to teleport*

No... In fact, I think it's better that you don't.

Wait, lesser role? There were only two characters to begin with. The spotlight is supposed to be on those two characters. Honestly, I didn't feel that Darastrix's prescence detracted from the story.

As for how powerful his character is, well, yes, it can be a bit much. He needs a bigger challenge. *evil laugh* Which is what I've been up to for the last couple of weeks.

~GR

Heh, I just went back to link this and saw ur comment. God, I love you so much! <3

^_^

~GR

Blues are nasty, but they can be loyal, sometimes... maybe.

I thought it was good, and, it isnt good to put yourself into a story, I try not to and failed once, it was scary. The one that I am pourposly putting myself in is a work in progress, but I didnt change anything about me like most others do. (I also did it for mental help and so others could get to know me better and be entertained at the same time.

Done properly, it's actually quite easy to put yourself into a story. It seemed fine to me. I think people forget that when you're writing, you're ALWAYS putting yourself in the story, even if all you do is wear the facade of another person. The best authors I know take facets of their own personality and use them to create some of the most memorable characters out there, Drizzt Do'Urden being a point in question.

The point is, it can be done. This wasn't supposed to be some epic story, it was a short encounter. Darastrix really was a secondary character. He came off a bit aloof, but it worked. When writing, really the only rule is: Don't Steal. Everything else is up for debate.

~GR

isnt that the truth.