FA+
Shop
179
Views
Views
1
Favorites
Favorites
Category
Music / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 120
File Size 4.42 MB
Report this content
More from bearrier
another "song" (lyrics/melody) that i wrote. really would love some feedback on this one because i really like the lyrics and the melody but i'm not sure if they work for the public ear. so i'd love some constructive criticism on this. (on everything but the vocals themselves, i know i'm flat on some of those notes, like i've said repeatedly my voice is super out of shape.)
oh, in case you don't get the reference (for shame), it's from a streetcar named desire by tennessee williams.
lyrics:
She's all by herself with six grams of cocaine
Line after line just to numb all the pain
When her boyfriend's back home she'll pretend it's okay
But her eyes are black and her soul's gone away
She'll wave it off, just a simple mistake
A trip down the stairs or an exercise ache
But the crying and screaming you hear through the walls
No person's that clumsy to take all those falls
The sound of breaking glass, she's on the ground
She weeps and throws that motherfucker out
He stands outside her window, shouting baby please
I'm sorry, I love you, now toss me the keys
Stella
Stella
Why do you keep letting him in?
She says because she loves him
Though she doesn't understand
How she can love a man like that
He treats her just like trash
So I really have to ask
Stella
Stella
What is it about him?
That you can't live without him?
Oh Stella
She hasn't been to work for over a week
Her boss tries to call her, she can't even speak
Her body's in pain, she don't know what to say
How to ask for my help when that fucker's away
But she tells me that the sex is amazing
Between puffs from her blazing cigarette
He's really so nice, or so she insists
Is this the truth or is this just his fists
Hear the thump as he tosses her into the wall
His venomous words see her crumble and fall
But later he says babe I'm sorry I hit you
I say if you take him back, girl, they should admit you
Stella
Stella
Why do you keep letting him in?
She says because she loves him
Though she doesn't understand
How she can love a man like that
He treats her just like trash
So I really have to ask
Stella
Stella
What is it about him?
That you can't live without him?
Oh Stella
Didn't you used to have dreams?
Didn't you used to be bright eyed?
Not the same life that it seemed
And you know that it's killing you inside
She says to me what would I do?
She says to me where can I go?
All I know is black and blue
And for that I've got the blow
Oh
Stella
Stella
Why do you keep letting him in?
She says because she loves him
Though she doesn't understand
How she can love a man like that
He treats her just like trash
So I really have to ask
Stella
Stella
What is it about him?
That you can't live without him?
Oh Stella
Read in the paper a month or so later
Stella had married this life terminator
I just shook my head at the info I read
And just as I thought, Stella ended up dead.
oh, in case you don't get the reference (for shame), it's from a streetcar named desire by tennessee williams.
lyrics:
She's all by herself with six grams of cocaine
Line after line just to numb all the pain
When her boyfriend's back home she'll pretend it's okay
But her eyes are black and her soul's gone away
She'll wave it off, just a simple mistake
A trip down the stairs or an exercise ache
But the crying and screaming you hear through the walls
No person's that clumsy to take all those falls
The sound of breaking glass, she's on the ground
She weeps and throws that motherfucker out
He stands outside her window, shouting baby please
I'm sorry, I love you, now toss me the keys
Stella
Stella
Why do you keep letting him in?
She says because she loves him
Though she doesn't understand
How she can love a man like that
He treats her just like trash
So I really have to ask
Stella
Stella
What is it about him?
That you can't live without him?
Oh Stella
She hasn't been to work for over a week
Her boss tries to call her, she can't even speak
Her body's in pain, she don't know what to say
How to ask for my help when that fucker's away
But she tells me that the sex is amazing
Between puffs from her blazing cigarette
He's really so nice, or so she insists
Is this the truth or is this just his fists
Hear the thump as he tosses her into the wall
His venomous words see her crumble and fall
But later he says babe I'm sorry I hit you
I say if you take him back, girl, they should admit you
Stella
Stella
Why do you keep letting him in?
She says because she loves him
Though she doesn't understand
How she can love a man like that
He treats her just like trash
So I really have to ask
Stella
Stella
What is it about him?
That you can't live without him?
Oh Stella
Didn't you used to have dreams?
Didn't you used to be bright eyed?
Not the same life that it seemed
And you know that it's killing you inside
She says to me what would I do?
She says to me where can I go?
All I know is black and blue
And for that I've got the blow
Oh
Stella
Stella
Why do you keep letting him in?
She says because she loves him
Though she doesn't understand
How she can love a man like that
He treats her just like trash
So I really have to ask
Stella
Stella
What is it about him?
That you can't live without him?
Oh Stella
Read in the paper a month or so later
Stella had married this life terminator
I just shook my head at the info I read
And just as I thought, Stella ended up dead.
Category Music / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 4.42 MB
You have a beautiful voice and the song itself is really well written
But I think some points seem a bit rushed I think maybe instead of using "throw that motherfucker out" you should try something else because when you say motherfucker is seems crunched and created a bit of a discord to the ear :3
But I think some points seem a bit rushed I think maybe instead of using "throw that motherfucker out" you should try something else because when you say motherfucker is seems crunched and created a bit of a discord to the ear :3
Ladyyy why you so talented?
This sounded really great. I loved the melody and the chorus! Portions of the lyrics in some of the verses sounded a bit crunched, I'd have to listen a couple more times to remember where they were - but not too many. With a little additional tweaking this'll work amazingly. World seriously needs more story-songs like this, there's so much more too it that most.
Not sure about the spoken ending. Really like the content and the wording, but I'm afraid it sounds a touch awkward by itself - might of course be entirely fixed by accompaniment. Or even layering it over a repeat of yourself singing the chorus?
I think it's fantastic that you're writing work like this. I hope it can land you something. ♥
This sounded really great. I loved the melody and the chorus! Portions of the lyrics in some of the verses sounded a bit crunched, I'd have to listen a couple more times to remember where they were - but not too many. With a little additional tweaking this'll work amazingly. World seriously needs more story-songs like this, there's so much more too it that most.
Not sure about the spoken ending. Really like the content and the wording, but I'm afraid it sounds a touch awkward by itself - might of course be entirely fixed by accompaniment. Or even layering it over a repeat of yourself singing the chorus?
I think it's fantastic that you're writing work like this. I hope it can land you something. ♥
Comments