CONTENT WARNING: very vent post. Contains harsh language and a brief mention of the "Shadow Realm". This thing is really no one's fault but myself. I just need a way to, i guess, explode and vent to the world and maybe regret it later.

Couldnt sleep. Frustrated at things, mainly at myself. Why the fuck is it so hard to get my ass in gear and work and not worry about quality instead of freezing and doing nothing via getting distracted with fuckin Youtube and Twitter? I literally
spent 4 hours writing a note about dopamine management. Will I get crucified if I just give 50% effort into a comm while making more money per day? If I'm my own worse critic, I just wanna metaphorically slap the shit out of my critic and tell him to shut the fuck up. I need to make money not to just survive, but THRIVE. Prove I'm not a 30-year-old autistic manchild social parasitic piece of shit who's a burden on soceity.

I want to deliver comms people can enjoy but then I'm worried I'm not providing better quality. So then I get worledd up and then I just enter a loop of procrastinating. I can't just take a break from the internet because I NEED it to do comissions. But then it just forces me back into distracting shit that waste valuable dopamine for the day.

I'm literally avoiding a close-nit group on Discord so I can get off my ass and focus but it's not working. I felt bad when one of them brought it up and lied by saying I was """"trying"""".

I'm likely suffering from malnutrition due to my dumbass. I don't wanna just keep asking my mom to get me hotdogs and rice cause then she'll wonder why I haven't made any money. I'm afraid she'll hound at me on why I haven't been working on comissions. Or worse just go back to working retail. Thank God I'm typing this on FA since I'd get in big trouble for saying what im gonna say. If I wasnt so fuckin' terrified of the concept of dying, I'd blow my brains out if I had to go back to working at such a stressful job as "someone who is a part of the neurodivergent community who has been diagnosed under Autism Spectrum Disorder."

Idk. I'm shooting myself in the foot posting this but whatever.