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More from LeoOfIce
This is a story originally thought up by 
sexywhitetiger, but it was cut short and I liked the idea and wanted to see where I could go with it.
Next
F.U.R.R.Y.
By: Leo of Ice
Idea by: sexywhitetiger
PROLOGUE: A Dying Race
There are many planets out there, each of them holding a possibility for life to exist. So far, our quest for other life has been a long one, but none of us have been successful so far. Until one day, everything changed. Lighting struck the world and changed the path of humanity forever. And six unsuspecting people were about to find out the hard way that we’re not alone.
Somewhere off on a distant planet, there exists an entire world very similar to Earth. The only catch is there aren’t any humans inhabiting it. Instead, it is inhabited by creatures with animal characteristics, but walked upright, like humans did. They were known as the furries. Their planet was a peaceful one, war had become something of the past, and the world had been united peacefully. But they, too, soon learned they were not alone. A swarm of ships descended upon the planet, revealing a war-breeding race come to conquer the planet. There was a fierce struggle, but in the end the invaders had succeeded. Desperate, a band of survivors gathered together to try and save their race from certain extinction. Among them were two wolves, a regular wolf and a snow wolf, a hyena, a fox, and three cats, a lion, a cheetah, and a white tiger. They had hidden themselves away in a cave, far from the invaders, and had been searching for a way to survive. They were all pouring over ancient texts they recovered from the library, searching for anything they could possibly use against the invaders. Suddenly, the snow wolf leapt up from his books. “I’ve found it!” he said, “There’s an ancient spell in this book that describes the transferring of souls from one body to the next. It says here that the host will take on our physical characteristics after they receive our energy! With this, we can scatter our souls across the galaxy to find a suitable planet to survive on!” The others leapt up from their seats. Numerous questions fired off from all of them. “Settle down, everyone, I’ll explain everything,” said the snow wolf, “But first we need to discuss the possibility of another planet. Is there any place suitable to send our souls?” The others looked around awkwardly. “I found one thing,” said the tiger, “There’s a planet in another galaxy called Earth. According to these books I’ve read there’s a possibility that other beings similar to ourselves inhabit that planet. There are reports of animals on that planet walking on two feet that are covered in fur. There aren’t a lot of them, but once in a while they will gather together in large groups for a celebration of some sort. But it’s supposedly a planet that hasn’t been fully settled. The people there are still at war with themselves, and the animals we’re looking for are apparently shunned by the rest of the creatures there.”
“However, it’s a planet that we can inhabit,” said the snow wolf, “and our first priority is to save our species. We will send our souls to Earth. But, I have some bad news,”
“Well, what could be worse than dying out?” said the cheetah, “I’m sure we’re all fine with a few side effects!”
“That’s not what I meant. In order to do this, we have to leave our bodies behind. And that also means our memories. See, once we enter our host, all the memories we have will be lost, but the host will gain our physical characteristcs. In other words, if we want to save our species, we’ll have to give up ourselves.” Everyone was silent. “Will our host know anything about our race?” said the hyena.
“There may be one or two trace memories that the host receives, but for the most part, they won’t know anything about us.”
“Well, I won’t let our race fall to ruin. I’m going!”
“I am too!” said the fox. The others chimed in. The snow wolf nodded. “Very well. I will stay here and try to find others to send to your world. If I can’t find anyone, I will follow you there myself. Now, everyone gather together.” The six of them formed a circle, while the snow wolf circled around them, chanting in some ancient language. They began to feel dizzy, like they were starting to float away. The tiger looked down and saw his body lying there, unconscious. The snow wolf swung his hand and suddenly the six of them were sent flying off, the land slowly converging. They saw houses and buildings grow smaller to cities and then continents. A wave of sadness grew over the six of them as they saw their planet slowly drift away into nothingness. Meanwhile, the cave began to shake as soldiers marched in, converging on the snow wolf. “You won’t take me that easily,” said the snow wolf.
Federation of
United
Remorphed
Residents and
Youth
F.U.R.R.Y.
Cast:
Red: Jacob Matthew
Orange: Richard Enderie
Yellow: Andray Silverstein
Green: Cameron Bates
Blue: Tyler Farrow
Indigo: Ryan Silvers
Purple: Ryan Clarke
Chapter 1: Lightning Strikes Six Times
Jacob Matthew was all about one thing: respect. You don’t give him respect? You’re gonna get slammed. Only thing: he was white as paste. But that didn’t stop him from trying to be a gangster. He was walking down the street to meet up with his buddy, Zack, when he saw a hot chick walking down the street. “Hey, girl, how YOU doin?” he hollered to her. She replied with a disgusted, “Uggh!” and continued on. To Jacob, that meant she was attracted to him. He turned around and wolf whistled at her. She started walking faster. He turned the corner and saw his friend Zach waiting in front of a street light. “Hey, yo, Zach! What’s up?” Jacob hollered to him. “Dude, seriously, don’t try to be gangster,” Zach replied back.
“Shut the **** up man! Anyways, what’s up?”
“I got the tickets to the concert tonight. Metal head is gonna be AWESOME!” They high-fived. “You’re gonna be there, right?”
“Dude, totally! This concert is gonna be sick!”
“By the way, have you noticed the weather today?”
“What about it, dude?”
“Well, I mean, they said it was gonna be sunny today, but it’s, like, overcast. I hope it doesn’t rain or anything.”
“Dude, it’s not gonna rain. Just chill, okay?”
“Okay, seriously, stop trying to be gangster. You have to be in a GANG to be gangster.”
“I don’t need no gang, okay? I’m a lone wolf, I am my own gang!”
The girl looked behind her. The man seemed to have disappeared. “Jeez, what a creep,” she said, “I can’t believe they allow guys like that to just walk on the streets.” She looked ahead and saw a man waving his hand at her. “Andray!” she shouted to him. He rushed up and hugged him. “Hey, giiiiirl,” said Andray cheerfully, “What is happening? You look great! Did you get your hair done?”
“I just got back from the salon, and take a look at what I got for a discount!” she showed him her nails. They were painted with a bright pink.
“Oh my god, they’re gorgeous!”
“I know! But I’m a little worried. It looks like it’s going to rain soon, and my hair gets really frizzy when it’s wet.”
“Oh, girl, don’t worry. I’m sure it’s just a cloud passing over.”
“I hope you’re right, Andray.”
“Um, Caroline, do you know that kid over there?”
“Huh?” she turned around to see a boy trying to catch his breath. “Are… are you Caroline?” said the boy.
“Yeah, why?”
“You dropped this when you walked out of the salon. You walk really fast,” The boy held out a credit card.
“Oh my god! My credit card! Oh, thank you so much! You followed me all the way from the salon?”
“Yeah, sorry about that. I tried to call out to you but you were really far ahead of me.”
“Well, thank you so much. What’s your name?”
“Ryan. Ryan Silvers.”
“Well, thanks, Ryan. Umm, sorry I can’t give you a lift back.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ve got to stop by the grocery store here anyways. Besides, walking’s healthier, right? Anyways, have a good day!” The boy started to walk off, but by the time Caroline turned around, he had already disappeared into the crowd.
Ryan was checking out the groceries and fumbling through his wallet. “Weird weather today, huh?” he said to the cashier. “Yeah, I know. They said we were supposed to have sun today.”
“Okay, all I’ve got is a 50, sorry.” He handed the bill over and the cashier handed him the change. “I swear every time I come in here I always get you as my cashier. You always work the register?”
“On Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
“Well, see you around, uh, Tyler.” He glanced at his nametag.
“Yeah, see you. Whatever.” Tyler didn’t see anyone coming to check out, so he put up the closed sign. He walked over to the other station. “Hey, Bridget, can you tell Marge I’m going on my break? I need to make a phone call.”
“Yeah, sure. Just try not to get arrested for talking someone’s ear off.”
“Thanks, you’re a real pal,” he rolled his eyes and walked out of the store. He pulled out his cell phone and called a number. “Hey Cameron, it’s me,” said Tyler.
“Dude, you’re not going to believe this! Some JERK just cut me off when I was trying to get off the freeway!”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Listen, are we still on for tonight?”
“Of course, man. Listen, I tried you earlier, but I just got your voicemail. I found some guys interested in coming, and they need a lift. It’s kind of a promise for some stuff they helped me out with?”
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll take them. I’ll see you at 7 then?”
“See you then!”
Ryan grabbed his groceries out of the car and walked to the house. “Hey, mom, I’m home,” he said when he walked in. He set the groceries down on the counter and tried to make a bolt for the stairs. “Hold on,” said his mom, getting up from the couch, “Did you get my text about the mustard?”
“You sent me a text?”
“So you forgot the mustard?”
“Yes! I forgot! I’m sorry!”
“Jesus, Ryan, can’t you do anything right? God, how are you going to survive at college without me being on your back every five seconds? I swear, you’re the most pathetic kid I’ve ever seen! You can’t even remember to get the mustard I texted you to get!”
“Do we absolutely need it?”
“YES! I can’t make the deviled eggs for your grandma’s birthday without them!
You’re going to have to go back out and get it!”
“…Yes mom.” He walked out of the house. “Here’s an idea,” Ryan said under his breath, “why don’t you shut up?” He sighed and started the car.
A man walked out of the grocery store and sighed. “God, another waste-of-my-time interview. Why do I even bother trying anymore?” He kicked a can that was on the street and walked away. “Excuse me sir,” said a man wearing a large sign with a cross on it, “would you like to make a donation to our local church?” The man stopped and stared at the charity man coldly. “Make a donation? Why would I give my money to some ****ing religious zealots that brainwash people into following a so called ‘God’ that demands fear and conformity from his followers?” The charity man was stunned silent. “****ing Christians,” said the man as he walked away. “God, my life sucks,” he said. He walked up to a car in the parking lot and got in. “Hey, sweetie, how’d it go?” said the woman in the car.
“Terrible. No matter how hard I try nobody wants to hire me.”
“Ryan, it’s important not to give up. I know you’re upset right now, but we’ll just keep trying until they finally hire you.”
“Thanks, mom.” Suddenly, his phone rang. “Hello?”
“Guess who?”
“Oh, hi, Richie, how are you, hun?”
“I’m okay. Some jerk missed his exit and almost hit me from behind, though. But I’ve got a bit of a surprise for you.”
“What? What’s going on?”
“Well, I pulled a lot of overtime and I managed to get enough money and vacation time to fly out!”
“OH MY GOD RICHIE! You’re coming out to see me?”
“Yeah, I’m on my way right now, actually. I just got off the freeway. I was about to lose my vacation time and I know we haven’t been together a lot lately, so I thought this would be a great surprise.”
“Oh, Richie, you don’t know how bad I needed to hear this. Thank you so much!”
“No problem. I’m about fifteen minutes away from your house right now, I’ll call you-BANG!”
“Richie? Richie? Are you okay?” Ryan got out of the car and held up his cell phone. The service seemed fine, but the call was dropped. “Hey, mom, something weird just happened with my-” before he could finish his sentence, a huge bolt descended from the sky and hit Ryan. The last image that wandered through his mind was that of a white tiger.
sexywhitetiger, but it was cut short and I liked the idea and wanted to see where I could go with it.Next
F.U.R.R.Y.
By: Leo of Ice
Idea by: sexywhitetiger
PROLOGUE: A Dying Race
There are many planets out there, each of them holding a possibility for life to exist. So far, our quest for other life has been a long one, but none of us have been successful so far. Until one day, everything changed. Lighting struck the world and changed the path of humanity forever. And six unsuspecting people were about to find out the hard way that we’re not alone.
Somewhere off on a distant planet, there exists an entire world very similar to Earth. The only catch is there aren’t any humans inhabiting it. Instead, it is inhabited by creatures with animal characteristics, but walked upright, like humans did. They were known as the furries. Their planet was a peaceful one, war had become something of the past, and the world had been united peacefully. But they, too, soon learned they were not alone. A swarm of ships descended upon the planet, revealing a war-breeding race come to conquer the planet. There was a fierce struggle, but in the end the invaders had succeeded. Desperate, a band of survivors gathered together to try and save their race from certain extinction. Among them were two wolves, a regular wolf and a snow wolf, a hyena, a fox, and three cats, a lion, a cheetah, and a white tiger. They had hidden themselves away in a cave, far from the invaders, and had been searching for a way to survive. They were all pouring over ancient texts they recovered from the library, searching for anything they could possibly use against the invaders. Suddenly, the snow wolf leapt up from his books. “I’ve found it!” he said, “There’s an ancient spell in this book that describes the transferring of souls from one body to the next. It says here that the host will take on our physical characteristics after they receive our energy! With this, we can scatter our souls across the galaxy to find a suitable planet to survive on!” The others leapt up from their seats. Numerous questions fired off from all of them. “Settle down, everyone, I’ll explain everything,” said the snow wolf, “But first we need to discuss the possibility of another planet. Is there any place suitable to send our souls?” The others looked around awkwardly. “I found one thing,” said the tiger, “There’s a planet in another galaxy called Earth. According to these books I’ve read there’s a possibility that other beings similar to ourselves inhabit that planet. There are reports of animals on that planet walking on two feet that are covered in fur. There aren’t a lot of them, but once in a while they will gather together in large groups for a celebration of some sort. But it’s supposedly a planet that hasn’t been fully settled. The people there are still at war with themselves, and the animals we’re looking for are apparently shunned by the rest of the creatures there.”
“However, it’s a planet that we can inhabit,” said the snow wolf, “and our first priority is to save our species. We will send our souls to Earth. But, I have some bad news,”
“Well, what could be worse than dying out?” said the cheetah, “I’m sure we’re all fine with a few side effects!”
“That’s not what I meant. In order to do this, we have to leave our bodies behind. And that also means our memories. See, once we enter our host, all the memories we have will be lost, but the host will gain our physical characteristcs. In other words, if we want to save our species, we’ll have to give up ourselves.” Everyone was silent. “Will our host know anything about our race?” said the hyena.
“There may be one or two trace memories that the host receives, but for the most part, they won’t know anything about us.”
“Well, I won’t let our race fall to ruin. I’m going!”
“I am too!” said the fox. The others chimed in. The snow wolf nodded. “Very well. I will stay here and try to find others to send to your world. If I can’t find anyone, I will follow you there myself. Now, everyone gather together.” The six of them formed a circle, while the snow wolf circled around them, chanting in some ancient language. They began to feel dizzy, like they were starting to float away. The tiger looked down and saw his body lying there, unconscious. The snow wolf swung his hand and suddenly the six of them were sent flying off, the land slowly converging. They saw houses and buildings grow smaller to cities and then continents. A wave of sadness grew over the six of them as they saw their planet slowly drift away into nothingness. Meanwhile, the cave began to shake as soldiers marched in, converging on the snow wolf. “You won’t take me that easily,” said the snow wolf.
Federation of
United
Remorphed
Residents and
Youth
F.U.R.R.Y.
Cast:
Red: Jacob Matthew
Orange: Richard Enderie
Yellow: Andray Silverstein
Green: Cameron Bates
Blue: Tyler Farrow
Indigo: Ryan Silvers
Purple: Ryan Clarke
Chapter 1: Lightning Strikes Six Times
Jacob Matthew was all about one thing: respect. You don’t give him respect? You’re gonna get slammed. Only thing: he was white as paste. But that didn’t stop him from trying to be a gangster. He was walking down the street to meet up with his buddy, Zack, when he saw a hot chick walking down the street. “Hey, girl, how YOU doin?” he hollered to her. She replied with a disgusted, “Uggh!” and continued on. To Jacob, that meant she was attracted to him. He turned around and wolf whistled at her. She started walking faster. He turned the corner and saw his friend Zach waiting in front of a street light. “Hey, yo, Zach! What’s up?” Jacob hollered to him. “Dude, seriously, don’t try to be gangster,” Zach replied back.
“Shut the **** up man! Anyways, what’s up?”
“I got the tickets to the concert tonight. Metal head is gonna be AWESOME!” They high-fived. “You’re gonna be there, right?”
“Dude, totally! This concert is gonna be sick!”
“By the way, have you noticed the weather today?”
“What about it, dude?”
“Well, I mean, they said it was gonna be sunny today, but it’s, like, overcast. I hope it doesn’t rain or anything.”
“Dude, it’s not gonna rain. Just chill, okay?”
“Okay, seriously, stop trying to be gangster. You have to be in a GANG to be gangster.”
“I don’t need no gang, okay? I’m a lone wolf, I am my own gang!”
The girl looked behind her. The man seemed to have disappeared. “Jeez, what a creep,” she said, “I can’t believe they allow guys like that to just walk on the streets.” She looked ahead and saw a man waving his hand at her. “Andray!” she shouted to him. He rushed up and hugged him. “Hey, giiiiirl,” said Andray cheerfully, “What is happening? You look great! Did you get your hair done?”
“I just got back from the salon, and take a look at what I got for a discount!” she showed him her nails. They were painted with a bright pink.
“Oh my god, they’re gorgeous!”
“I know! But I’m a little worried. It looks like it’s going to rain soon, and my hair gets really frizzy when it’s wet.”
“Oh, girl, don’t worry. I’m sure it’s just a cloud passing over.”
“I hope you’re right, Andray.”
“Um, Caroline, do you know that kid over there?”
“Huh?” she turned around to see a boy trying to catch his breath. “Are… are you Caroline?” said the boy.
“Yeah, why?”
“You dropped this when you walked out of the salon. You walk really fast,” The boy held out a credit card.
“Oh my god! My credit card! Oh, thank you so much! You followed me all the way from the salon?”
“Yeah, sorry about that. I tried to call out to you but you were really far ahead of me.”
“Well, thank you so much. What’s your name?”
“Ryan. Ryan Silvers.”
“Well, thanks, Ryan. Umm, sorry I can’t give you a lift back.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ve got to stop by the grocery store here anyways. Besides, walking’s healthier, right? Anyways, have a good day!” The boy started to walk off, but by the time Caroline turned around, he had already disappeared into the crowd.
Ryan was checking out the groceries and fumbling through his wallet. “Weird weather today, huh?” he said to the cashier. “Yeah, I know. They said we were supposed to have sun today.”
“Okay, all I’ve got is a 50, sorry.” He handed the bill over and the cashier handed him the change. “I swear every time I come in here I always get you as my cashier. You always work the register?”
“On Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
“Well, see you around, uh, Tyler.” He glanced at his nametag.
“Yeah, see you. Whatever.” Tyler didn’t see anyone coming to check out, so he put up the closed sign. He walked over to the other station. “Hey, Bridget, can you tell Marge I’m going on my break? I need to make a phone call.”
“Yeah, sure. Just try not to get arrested for talking someone’s ear off.”
“Thanks, you’re a real pal,” he rolled his eyes and walked out of the store. He pulled out his cell phone and called a number. “Hey Cameron, it’s me,” said Tyler.
“Dude, you’re not going to believe this! Some JERK just cut me off when I was trying to get off the freeway!”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Listen, are we still on for tonight?”
“Of course, man. Listen, I tried you earlier, but I just got your voicemail. I found some guys interested in coming, and they need a lift. It’s kind of a promise for some stuff they helped me out with?”
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll take them. I’ll see you at 7 then?”
“See you then!”
Ryan grabbed his groceries out of the car and walked to the house. “Hey, mom, I’m home,” he said when he walked in. He set the groceries down on the counter and tried to make a bolt for the stairs. “Hold on,” said his mom, getting up from the couch, “Did you get my text about the mustard?”
“You sent me a text?”
“So you forgot the mustard?”
“Yes! I forgot! I’m sorry!”
“Jesus, Ryan, can’t you do anything right? God, how are you going to survive at college without me being on your back every five seconds? I swear, you’re the most pathetic kid I’ve ever seen! You can’t even remember to get the mustard I texted you to get!”
“Do we absolutely need it?”
“YES! I can’t make the deviled eggs for your grandma’s birthday without them!
You’re going to have to go back out and get it!”
“…Yes mom.” He walked out of the house. “Here’s an idea,” Ryan said under his breath, “why don’t you shut up?” He sighed and started the car.
A man walked out of the grocery store and sighed. “God, another waste-of-my-time interview. Why do I even bother trying anymore?” He kicked a can that was on the street and walked away. “Excuse me sir,” said a man wearing a large sign with a cross on it, “would you like to make a donation to our local church?” The man stopped and stared at the charity man coldly. “Make a donation? Why would I give my money to some ****ing religious zealots that brainwash people into following a so called ‘God’ that demands fear and conformity from his followers?” The charity man was stunned silent. “****ing Christians,” said the man as he walked away. “God, my life sucks,” he said. He walked up to a car in the parking lot and got in. “Hey, sweetie, how’d it go?” said the woman in the car.
“Terrible. No matter how hard I try nobody wants to hire me.”
“Ryan, it’s important not to give up. I know you’re upset right now, but we’ll just keep trying until they finally hire you.”
“Thanks, mom.” Suddenly, his phone rang. “Hello?”
“Guess who?”
“Oh, hi, Richie, how are you, hun?”
“I’m okay. Some jerk missed his exit and almost hit me from behind, though. But I’ve got a bit of a surprise for you.”
“What? What’s going on?”
“Well, I pulled a lot of overtime and I managed to get enough money and vacation time to fly out!”
“OH MY GOD RICHIE! You’re coming out to see me?”
“Yeah, I’m on my way right now, actually. I just got off the freeway. I was about to lose my vacation time and I know we haven’t been together a lot lately, so I thought this would be a great surprise.”
“Oh, Richie, you don’t know how bad I needed to hear this. Thank you so much!”
“No problem. I’m about fifteen minutes away from your house right now, I’ll call you-BANG!”
“Richie? Richie? Are you okay?” Ryan got out of the car and held up his cell phone. The service seemed fine, but the call was dropped. “Hey, mom, something weird just happened with my-” before he could finish his sentence, a huge bolt descended from the sky and hit Ryan. The last image that wandered through his mind was that of a white tiger.
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 56 kB
Hmmm... there seems to be a lot of inconsistency in the tense. I might like to go through and edit this if you're open to it.
Mmmm, I might also work on trying to make it a tad more... immersive. Particularly around the prologue. The degree of immersion depends on whether you want the passage to be narrated or directed by the characters through dialogue. If the story is being primarily narrated, then immersion can be minimal, and you should use only snippets and quotes occasionally if necessary or tasteful. If the story is being told through the actions of characters, then you want to aim for high immersion and blend dialogue and narration appropriately. What you DON'T want to do is be lukewarm one way or the other.The prologue starts out narrating, and then people just start talking without a significant switch in the theme of the passage. If you want to switch from narration to dialogue, it's best to first set the stage for your reader. Otherwise it's like trying to view an amoeba under a microscope without focusing the lens.
It's a little late, so I'll just leave my critique there for now and read the rest of the piece tomorrow. I will say this, though: The story has potential. You've gotten me nodding my head in interest. Now I just want to see where it will go from here.
Mmmm, I might also work on trying to make it a tad more... immersive. Particularly around the prologue. The degree of immersion depends on whether you want the passage to be narrated or directed by the characters through dialogue. If the story is being primarily narrated, then immersion can be minimal, and you should use only snippets and quotes occasionally if necessary or tasteful. If the story is being told through the actions of characters, then you want to aim for high immersion and blend dialogue and narration appropriately. What you DON'T want to do is be lukewarm one way or the other.The prologue starts out narrating, and then people just start talking without a significant switch in the theme of the passage. If you want to switch from narration to dialogue, it's best to first set the stage for your reader. Otherwise it's like trying to view an amoeba under a microscope without focusing the lens.
It's a little late, so I'll just leave my critique there for now and read the rest of the piece tomorrow. I will say this, though: The story has potential. You've gotten me nodding my head in interest. Now I just want to see where it will go from here.
Oh no, no, no! It's NEVER too late for a critique! (Wow I'm actually getting critiqued, thank the gods!)
I feel bad about this, but I really rushed these first few chapters, and it really shows in the work. That was mainly to try and get my name out there to get people interested in the story. Can't very well write a story without an audience to read it. Yeah, the prologue was kind of difficult to place in. A lot of it I just did based off of memory from the old story. What I'm trying to do is build inventory for my main story, at which point things will slow down and I can really get the immersion on its way through my own character. Probably my weakness in this whole thing is my lack of describing the scenes, a bad, BAD habit of mine. I'll take your advise into consideration when writing the next chapter.
A word of warning for the next two chapters: It's going to sound rushed. I'm going to slam on the brakes for chapter 4, now that I have people reading this. (squeals)
I feel bad about this, but I really rushed these first few chapters, and it really shows in the work. That was mainly to try and get my name out there to get people interested in the story. Can't very well write a story without an audience to read it. Yeah, the prologue was kind of difficult to place in. A lot of it I just did based off of memory from the old story. What I'm trying to do is build inventory for my main story, at which point things will slow down and I can really get the immersion on its way through my own character. Probably my weakness in this whole thing is my lack of describing the scenes, a bad, BAD habit of mine. I'll take your advise into consideration when writing the next chapter.
A word of warning for the next two chapters: It's going to sound rushed. I'm going to slam on the brakes for chapter 4, now that I have people reading this. (squeals)
Fuck, everything I just wrote for this comment is gone.
Well, basically the immersion seems, at a glance, better this time because but only because there's dialogue. Dialogue makes for good immersion, but there needs to be some directing narration to show what's going on to perfect it. You also need to work on transitions. I'll give you an example of techniques to que the reader that the scene is transitioning, and then we'll talk more about your immersion and how the two relate.
*is at breakfast with you the next day, sitting at a round, oak table in the kitchen. Leans back, spreading a very thin layer of butter on a piece of sourdough toast* You see, you immersion in the prologue was like a plain piece of toast. Rough, brittle, and unappealing. The first chapter is more like this. *holds up the piece of toast with only the thinnest spread of soft margarine* If you were very light, you could go sliding right across it like a polished floor. But it still needs a little more depth to be good. *dips the knife into the butter and applies a thicker spread before setting the knife on a plate of fine China and holding up the toast a second time* Give them something thicker they can really sink into. THAT'S immersion!
Now... as to the characters.... well I would make more of an effort to make them.... Well likable. That one part (you know which one) was a very "Well, it's not MY fault you had a bad day, jerk" kind of moment. If I were you, I'd cut it out in the name of pruning. It would give him a MUCH better image. Because... well the other thing it really tells us about his character he's not afraid of what people think of him, or of taking aggressive tones. And there are much more.... well, frankly, more heroic ways to do that than telling a church donations man to fuck himself on a crucifix (to make hyperbole).
And in the case of other characters... well they need to be defined more. It took me a while to realize that the second character you introduced was a girl, and I still have no idea about the age of the third one. He seemed to go from ten to eighteen pretty quickly.
And again, transitions X3
Okay, so I'll try to get to those other chapters later... though hopefully sooner than last night's... or tonight's..... What day is this anyway?
But yeah. Comments and critiques shall continue later. Keep going! Oh, and good use of cliff-hanger! We'll talk about building and writing cancers tomorrow! Stay tuned!
Well, basically the immersion seems, at a glance, better this time because but only because there's dialogue. Dialogue makes for good immersion, but there needs to be some directing narration to show what's going on to perfect it. You also need to work on transitions. I'll give you an example of techniques to que the reader that the scene is transitioning, and then we'll talk more about your immersion and how the two relate.
******is at breakfast with you the next day, sitting at a round, oak table in the kitchen. Leans back, spreading a very thin layer of butter on a piece of sourdough toast* You see, you immersion in the prologue was like a plain piece of toast. Rough, brittle, and unappealing. The first chapter is more like this. *holds up the piece of toast with only the thinnest spread of soft margarine* If you were very light, you could go sliding right across it like a polished floor. But it still needs a little more depth to be good. *dips the knife into the butter and applies a thicker spread before setting the knife on a plate of fine China and holding up the toast a second time* Give them something thicker they can really sink into. THAT'S immersion!
Now... as to the characters.... well I would make more of an effort to make them.... Well likable. That one part (you know which one) was a very "Well, it's not MY fault you had a bad day, jerk" kind of moment. If I were you, I'd cut it out in the name of pruning. It would give him a MUCH better image. Because... well the other thing it really tells us about his character he's not afraid of what people think of him, or of taking aggressive tones. And there are much more.... well, frankly, more heroic ways to do that than telling a church donations man to fuck himself on a crucifix (to make hyperbole).
And in the case of other characters... well they need to be defined more. It took me a while to realize that the second character you introduced was a girl, and I still have no idea about the age of the third one. He seemed to go from ten to eighteen pretty quickly.
And again, transitions X3
Okay, so I'll try to get to those other chapters later... though hopefully sooner than last night's... or tonight's..... What day is this anyway?
But yeah. Comments and critiques shall continue later. Keep going! Oh, and good use of cliff-hanger! We'll talk about building and writing cancers tomorrow! Stay tuned!
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