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Story / Animal related (non-anthro)
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More from ZizixZXC
Hey everyone!
As promised, the next part of my story has been submitted (And on time as well)!
In this chapter, you are introduced to the main character, a wolf-dog by the name of Kiev. As well, you are introduced to a secondary character, Cathrine... a sassy and defiant husky, who's been a close friend of Kiev for as long as they can remember.
Readers, you should be expecting some important character development in this part!
Please, enjoy... and you know as well as I how much I love critique!
'We're all animals in the end',
ZXC
............................................................................................................
To sum it up, the story as a whole is about a loner stray, a wolf-dog, who's just trying to find his place in the world. He can't fit in with the stray dog packs of Vladamir, because he's far too 'wolfish', but he as well cant join the wild wolf, because he is afraid to leave the confinements of his every day life.
It's an abstract attempt at recreating the world from a dogs point of view.
............................................................................................................
As promised, the next part of my story has been submitted (And on time as well)!
In this chapter, you are introduced to the main character, a wolf-dog by the name of Kiev. As well, you are introduced to a secondary character, Cathrine... a sassy and defiant husky, who's been a close friend of Kiev for as long as they can remember.
Readers, you should be expecting some important character development in this part!
Please, enjoy... and you know as well as I how much I love critique!
'We're all animals in the end',
ZXC
............................................................................................................
To sum it up, the story as a whole is about a loner stray, a wolf-dog, who's just trying to find his place in the world. He can't fit in with the stray dog packs of Vladamir, because he's far too 'wolfish', but he as well cant join the wild wolf, because he is afraid to leave the confinements of his every day life.
It's an abstract attempt at recreating the world from a dogs point of view.
............................................................................................................
Category Story / Animal related (non-anthro)
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 90px
File Size 10.8 kB
Again, not bad at all. I wasn't expecting a medieval setting, that was a nice surprise. :3
Some more setting description might be good; What do the buildings look like? What about the river bank; are there reeds etc., or does the road go right down to the river's edge? That sort of thing.
The point of view seems to shift around; sometimes we're inside Keiv's head(near the beginning), sometimes Catharine's ("Catharine, aside from her comment earlier, found herself feeling slightly less secure…"), and others there seems to be a sort of narrator talking about them("Actually, Kiev goes to the extremes of even denying any wolfish blood"). It's generally a good idea to pick one point of view per-scene and stick with it, to avoid confusing the reader.
When Tver shows up, he jumps right into the middle of a back and forth dialogue without any indication the speakers have changed. This makes it look like Kiev is talking until you get to the next sentence and see there are new characters.
I'm liking the setting. Medieval Russia has some interesting potential as a backdrop!
Overall, pretty solid I think. It will be interesting to see where you go with it. ^.^
Some more setting description might be good; What do the buildings look like? What about the river bank; are there reeds etc., or does the road go right down to the river's edge? That sort of thing.
The point of view seems to shift around; sometimes we're inside Keiv's head(near the beginning), sometimes Catharine's ("Catharine, aside from her comment earlier, found herself feeling slightly less secure…"), and others there seems to be a sort of narrator talking about them("Actually, Kiev goes to the extremes of even denying any wolfish blood"). It's generally a good idea to pick one point of view per-scene and stick with it, to avoid confusing the reader.
When Tver shows up, he jumps right into the middle of a back and forth dialogue without any indication the speakers have changed. This makes it look like Kiev is talking until you get to the next sentence and see there are new characters.
I'm liking the setting. Medieval Russia has some interesting potential as a backdrop!
Overall, pretty solid I think. It will be interesting to see where you go with it. ^.^
Surprise!
As for the description, since this is a developing book, I'll make sure to to further describe the surroundings as it progresses.
Now about the point's of view. Initially, I'm aiming for a third person point of view, one that is under this kind of mindset of:
'I am god, and know, at all times, what each individual character is thinking, feeling, and doing'.
So that might explain the jumping around views. In the future though, I will try extra hard to keep it less confusing, and more direct, while still keeping in the category of third person.
Thanks for your feedback Tonin, on this submission, and the last!
'We're all animals in the end',
ZXC
As for the description, since this is a developing book, I'll make sure to to further describe the surroundings as it progresses.
Now about the point's of view. Initially, I'm aiming for a third person point of view, one that is under this kind of mindset of:
'I am god, and know, at all times, what each individual character is thinking, feeling, and doing'.
So that might explain the jumping around views. In the future though, I will try extra hard to keep it less confusing, and more direct, while still keeping in the category of third person.
Thanks for your feedback Tonin, on this submission, and the last!
'We're all animals in the end',
ZXC
No problem, glad to offer what assistance I may.
On the POV, it sounds like you have a good plan there. The key is consistency; decide who is most important in a scene and don't tell anyone else's thoughts/feelings (try to show them through action or dialogue instead).
Anyhow, good work so far. ^.^
On the POV, it sounds like you have a good plan there. The key is consistency; decide who is most important in a scene and don't tell anyone else's thoughts/feelings (try to show them through action or dialogue instead).
Anyhow, good work so far. ^.^
Hello again, same critic you Noted to come see your stuff. Hi there.
*glasses*
I found it startling that you knew the correct spelling for the plural crises. Much like you knew enough to use the word "omega", and to call a river "swollen". I'm seeing quick, glittering flecks of talent in what otherwise seems like a rough draft of something much greater. The run-on sentences made me gasp and the bad formatting returns as per the last review, so I won't harp on them here.
Your description of Kiev DIRECTLY contradicts itself within two paragraphs: "His face was drooping from sleepless nights, and his ribs protruded in an almost emaciated appearance across his grey flanks" and then a bit later "his wolf ancestry is a predominant feature in his look; his muscular body, his intimate, predatorily eyes, the wise and mysterious air that so many philosophers of the Russia’s try to understand." Is he skinny and showing ribs from starvation, or is he muscular, healthy, and built? Its one or the other, not both. Perhaps you meant that he was lean, and what little meat he had on him was muscle? Either way, that was a glaring mistake in an otherwise levelly-described character.
Tver appears DIRECTLY German, or perhaps Russian. I cannot resist putting an accent over his dialogue, for its use of "comrade" and "voy" in constance. This is probably the point, but its never directly said other than, well, GERMAN shepherd. I like him best, I think. Also, Catherine's name appears to have several spelling variations. Catherine, Catharine, Cathariine.
CONTENT-wise, more happens in this part. However, given that we have a wide time-lapse, the farmer is either dead or gone. The nightmare at the opening vaguely touches on recurring nightmares, telling me that maybe his house burned down? Its a bit vague, and too early in the story to tell, no doubt. The meeting of the strays and showing the half-breed pup all grown up is an interesting place to start. We get a quick introduction to several characters and their mannerisms, but little else. This feels like a secondary prologue. The story won't start until they set paw either at the Scrap Spot, or at the Festival of Light, so more waiting before the meat of the story.
Once more, I encourage you to print this out and have a second pair of eyes look at it. Its riddled with run-on sentences, formatting issues, spelling mistakes, and other things that really should have been caught before publishing it here on FA. But, I suspect this was written, saved, and then published to FA right away. A spelling error here and there is fine, but there's a lot of rough patches here.
Certain phrases and descriptions REALLY tell me that the author has talent. And trust me, I know, I'll be a licensed english teacher in the coming months. Our descriptions of Keiv are detailed, the drinking bit moving enough, and the politics between the strays well-grounded in what you might expect. There is a good story HERE, but it's buried beneath a lot of very easy mistakes. As I said in the other part, there IS a gem here, it just needs cutting and polishing.
~Azzy
*glasses*
I found it startling that you knew the correct spelling for the plural crises. Much like you knew enough to use the word "omega", and to call a river "swollen". I'm seeing quick, glittering flecks of talent in what otherwise seems like a rough draft of something much greater. The run-on sentences made me gasp and the bad formatting returns as per the last review, so I won't harp on them here.
Your description of Kiev DIRECTLY contradicts itself within two paragraphs: "His face was drooping from sleepless nights, and his ribs protruded in an almost emaciated appearance across his grey flanks" and then a bit later "his wolf ancestry is a predominant feature in his look; his muscular body, his intimate, predatorily eyes, the wise and mysterious air that so many philosophers of the Russia’s try to understand." Is he skinny and showing ribs from starvation, or is he muscular, healthy, and built? Its one or the other, not both. Perhaps you meant that he was lean, and what little meat he had on him was muscle? Either way, that was a glaring mistake in an otherwise levelly-described character.
Tver appears DIRECTLY German, or perhaps Russian. I cannot resist putting an accent over his dialogue, for its use of "comrade" and "voy" in constance. This is probably the point, but its never directly said other than, well, GERMAN shepherd. I like him best, I think. Also, Catherine's name appears to have several spelling variations. Catherine, Catharine, Cathariine.
CONTENT-wise, more happens in this part. However, given that we have a wide time-lapse, the farmer is either dead or gone. The nightmare at the opening vaguely touches on recurring nightmares, telling me that maybe his house burned down? Its a bit vague, and too early in the story to tell, no doubt. The meeting of the strays and showing the half-breed pup all grown up is an interesting place to start. We get a quick introduction to several characters and their mannerisms, but little else. This feels like a secondary prologue. The story won't start until they set paw either at the Scrap Spot, or at the Festival of Light, so more waiting before the meat of the story.
Once more, I encourage you to print this out and have a second pair of eyes look at it. Its riddled with run-on sentences, formatting issues, spelling mistakes, and other things that really should have been caught before publishing it here on FA. But, I suspect this was written, saved, and then published to FA right away. A spelling error here and there is fine, but there's a lot of rough patches here.
Certain phrases and descriptions REALLY tell me that the author has talent. And trust me, I know, I'll be a licensed english teacher in the coming months. Our descriptions of Keiv are detailed, the drinking bit moving enough, and the politics between the strays well-grounded in what you might expect. There is a good story HERE, but it's buried beneath a lot of very easy mistakes. As I said in the other part, there IS a gem here, it just needs cutting and polishing.
~Azzy
Alrighty then...
I know, that for a little, you'll be busy with the judging of nominations, but when you read this... I just wanted again, to say thanks.
A critical point of view, and from a soon-to-be collage professor... well, I couldn't ask for more!
Now down to business:
-As for the black-and-white contradiction of Kiev you brought up, I took that into consideration... you were right, and I'm stupid to not have caught that while re-reading over my story.
-You think that I should change the breed of The German, Tver, to something else (because the name of the breed is, in fact, GERMAN shepherd
-As for you comment on this being like a second prologue, well, the next submission of mine will be all about the Scrap Spot (From then on this 'second' prologue will never return, for the story will really start to get more interesting).
Anyways, Since you aren't watching me... would you mind if I update you every time I release one or two parts?
You see, I've been taking your comments, and putting then in a word doc. So that when I move onto the 'Good' copy, I'll have some good feedback to work from.
Thank you for your time!
'We're all animals in the end',
ZXC
I know, that for a little, you'll be busy with the judging of nominations, but when you read this... I just wanted again, to say thanks.
A critical point of view, and from a soon-to-be collage professor... well, I couldn't ask for more!
Now down to business:
-As for the black-and-white contradiction of Kiev you brought up, I took that into consideration... you were right, and I'm stupid to not have caught that while re-reading over my story.
-You think that I should change the breed of The German, Tver, to something else (because the name of the breed is, in fact, GERMAN shepherd
-As for you comment on this being like a second prologue, well, the next submission of mine will be all about the Scrap Spot (From then on this 'second' prologue will never return, for the story will really start to get more interesting).
Anyways, Since you aren't watching me... would you mind if I update you every time I release one or two parts?
You see, I've been taking your comments, and putting then in a word doc. So that when I move onto the 'Good' copy, I'll have some good feedback to work from.
Thank you for your time!
'We're all animals in the end',
ZXC
Your descriptions as always are wonderfully great at creating useful imagery for the audience. The characters are still developing and there is a long way for this to go. Some of the dialogue is questionable do to the Nagel Fallacy again. The concept of the festival and things like the Idiom wrong side of the bed take from your presentation of your dogs point of view. The gap of concern with the farmer also may need to be considered better.
This paragraph is questionable in presentation and is more telling instead of showing naturally. It’s a large chunk as well as wordy and of such is a turn off to your audience.
“Kiev goes to the extremes of even denying any wolfish blood in him, even though his wolf ancestry is a predominant feature in his look; his muscular body, his intimate, predatorily eyes, the wise and mysterious air that so many philosophers of the Russia…….Siberian sun that lets one strive.”
This paragraph is questionable in presentation and is more telling instead of showing naturally. It’s a large chunk as well as wordy and of such is a turn off to your audience.
“Kiev goes to the extremes of even denying any wolfish blood in him, even though his wolf ancestry is a predominant feature in his look; his muscular body, his intimate, predatorily eyes, the wise and mysterious air that so many philosophers of the Russia…….Siberian sun that lets one strive.”
Ha!
I knew you'd pick that up. Yes, It was only after I submitted my part here, that I noticed the irregularity of that sentence... so I understand exactly what you mean.
Like AZ, I have been keeping record of your comments, because, like I always stress; 'critique is what makes me a better writer, poet, musician, ETC in general!'
So thanks to both of you guys, for helping me out!
'We're all animals in the end',
ZXC
I knew you'd pick that up. Yes, It was only after I submitted my part here, that I noticed the irregularity of that sentence... so I understand exactly what you mean.
Like AZ, I have been keeping record of your comments, because, like I always stress; 'critique is what makes me a better writer, poet, musician, ETC in general!'
So thanks to both of you guys, for helping me out!
'We're all animals in the end',
ZXC
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