[VENT BELOW]

to say that its been a rough time is an understatement.
This month is a constant reminder that I am only alive because of a hesitation. Some time next week, it'll be my 5-year anniversary of that faithful day. It's been weighing on my mind how much time has passed and that I'm still breathing, there've been days when I've regretted my decision to keep going too. But overall, even if my life didn't pan out the way I've envisioned it, I'm still far happier and safer than I've ever been.
I had my heart and trust betrayed pretty profoundly recently. I had to sit on it for a few weeks to reevaluate everything and analyse certain behaviours. I wanted to wall up again, because i couldn't believe I was so wilful to let slide such red flags. I felt like shit, but I was reminded by my loved ones of my journey and that I still chose kindness above everything else. I had to sleep on that, was my hesitation 5 years ago an act of kindness to myself? I felt trapped in the situation I found myself in, but in the end I didn't stay alive to put up with people I can't trust. Young me deserved better, and I still deserve better. I'm still aching, but I'm doing well now. My wrist gave out, and I'm in a lot of pain, hopefully i can get it checked out by a doctor soon. While this all happened, I also received some devastating news about a family member.
I'm glad I'm alive. Even if I ache, even if my love and trust gets played, even if plans don't pan out- I'm so, so glad I still get the chance to feel these feelings. I'm so glad to hear my partner's voice, I'm so glad to watch my family grow, I'm so glad that I can cry my heart out too. I don't regret choosing life in my darkest hour.