Hello everyone, it’s been a year since I was around. As you’re aware of the vent post. I just needed to get this off my back as a person rather than just an artist. On my whereabouts, work, health, few awful clients, ect. Something to learn for me and you. For the rough years I had, I should’ve known better not to make my issues/feelings private as I wish for most of my life to be. I’ll try to keep it short as possible.

Burnt Out: My near-seven years conditions
My workspace is different from artists who mostly used Photoshop, MS Paint, Flash/Animate, and paper. Vector art is a time-process to finish more than an hour. It’s not as fast as what few would think as long as their art is done now after whipping you til’ you’re overworked. Yes, waiting is baffling, but so is an artist’s health condition. I’m a quality over quantity type. My passion is doing a good job on my work consistently in good health that’s worth a wait, even shared to friends and groups is encouraging. Instead of giving poor art. I find it’s worth being humble/respectful to artists rather than customers being always right.

Sometimes I get put in a crossroad of passionate/inspiring ideas, secret projects I wanna do, and the queue to finish for clients. Little about me, I care and think way too much about little things in life that overload and painfully give me a headache at ‘freeze mode’. Then mindlessly scroll through the media for hours while overstacking ideas on what I see and getting lost in time. Stressfully juggling so many things at once. Perhaps, I'm a little overly passionate as I’m typing a big vent post that says a lot about me.

And sometimes when I passionately put time into an art piece for clients or projects. It doesn’t get favorable feedback/attention for improvement and encouragement. It just feels like a huge waste of time. Mainly clients don’t comment and share their piece they paid other than fav it, or don’t at all. It’s reasons why I stopped posting. I do not force anyone to do so, but just know it’s hurtful and disrespectful to get feedback for doing well through early and final progress. Like I said, be humble and respectful to artists. Even paid for what they followed through and through.

This is the big reason why I barely draw and post. For my entire vector artist life with no art tablet, I’ve been drawing latex. I love latex. But drawing it FUCKING sucks. It’s a massive time and energy consumer in such a mindbreaker in a hard burnout. After finishing a non-shined latex art, it gets ‘constant procrastination’, shining goes on and on that it’s overwhelmingly stressful that you feel resetted way back. Could you draw simple bright white lines? It fits for beginners, not for improvers. There needs to be a balance if I wanna do latex again as it’s stressful to do. For now, it’s all paused until something’s out.
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I gotten constantly *tired and unmotivated* by sleeping poorly for a while. Even sleeping early is wonky due to my easy suffocation. I would sometimes work overnight for long hours until sunrise. But I still feel tired overall either way. *Careless mistakes* I made over-stacking YCHs, DA points commissions, art trades, requests all together separately to be 80 in total in careless confidence as a beginner artist on DeviantArt. The total now is 10-15. Almost there to finish each off, but struggle with tiresome heavily.

I randomly get *burst of energy and productivity* overnight or day in cold sweat to crash hard. Even when I get *stressful obligations* from amounts of pressure and bad mouthing from clients and RPers. It made me feel *highly irritable* and chit-chatting like a nut at friends I apologize over the little things that could’ve been easily resolved. I was only a beginner, unable to understand anything and private too much of my life. I was just too mad for what I was feeling and treated back and forth. Could’ve I slept early?

Which I’ll open on my health. As a fact, my nose is sensitive to heat which causes it to dry inside and make me suffocate in my sleep. Getting up a few moments which causes me to oversleep from the heat overall overwhelms me no matter how early or late I sleep. Couldn’t force myself to sleep after getting fresh air because the stress kept me from relaxing. And I had a poor air conditioner until I got a new one. While right now, things are still rocky, I’m slowly understanding all of this as I routine it some time.

2023 was absolutely the worst year I suffered through. Even over a few years I felt more dead before COVID-19 came. Being down with depression by burnouts, pressure, overwork, anxiety, and stress. Going through loss of a family member, abandonment by few friends for no reason, clients’ pressure and their pals defending over an stressed burnt out being, bad mouthing me and my OC off server. Slowly my way to suicide by lack of eating food and sipping water with a big weight drop and stomach issues.

With all that *compassion fatigue* and *inability of empathy and compassion*. This moment I thought it would be the silent death given from the agonizing pain and screaming in a gash of tears at the hospital. Revealing to be a kidney stone, severely damaged my tubes when it made it out. Moments when I thought I was gonna die. Could only worry leaving everyone concerned and scared of what happened to me. I had no one to trust in real life on my status as it’s a anti-porn crowd.

I begged in pain to be alive, given a chance to be better for myself than just my friends helping me to gain strength to carry on. As I’m recovering through depression and health issues. My best friends have been keeping me well for the wonderful moments that made me smile and laugh joyfully I haven’t felt in a while. Sharing things with me that I truly treasure in my drying heart. Slowly maturing and getting better in health and person. But the stress remains scarred as my tubes, as it still haunts me. Which it’ll be explained lastly.
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Reasons why I barely talk to anyone new. In RP, I was harassed by a pervert RPer doing the same creepy skits that I happened to learn this awful RPer hurt others to possible suicide. It kept me awake at night that I hope they didn’t. Because I dearly wish that RPer suffers a very horrible painful death for it.

I had a (ex-)friend who was an artist who harassed me and my friends in pure life control. Referring to us as “traitors” like we’re in their military, considering their drawings are full of it. The artist also thinks ideas they make belong to them, even though these ain’t new/special and free to do. Tried to harass me (and still) for forgiveness just to control me to backstab the friends I dearly love. It was incredibly rough.

To the few clients, who’ve bad mouth me at my burnt out state from latex art and bad mouth my OC. “I’m one of the commissioners of Chloe waiting too long now for the ‘stuff’ I commissioned them to do.” Even though it was DeviantArts points you brought for, twice. “*It hurts so much, but I’ve been doing my best.* What a child. Doesn’t bother to force anyone to talk about their stuff. Fuck off.” Guess what? It does hurt. Burnout in stress is no joke, even for actual jobs.

“Chloe does self-insert into someone’s commissions all the time.” Okay, first of all I never force anyone to put Chloe on everything truthfully. I do exactly what they want me to draw for them. Some want Chloe in it because they like her. The bad mouth on my OC is ironic considering the stuff I saw from you and your pals forcefully pushing your OC on streaming chat for raffles. Don’t get yourself twisted on that.

It gets so annoying when a few clients keep sending me “do you do requests” that are 15-16 years old. Then I decline them quickly, then their pals just keep bothering me to unblock and junk to black each. After all these messy awful clients. I learned better. For such an attitude, there’ll be no acceptance one way or another. Same for RPs. I’ll only trust the respectful ones in my heart for RPs and art respectfully.

This is all I wanna vent for a long time to get it off my back. Something for all of us to learn. How I’ve been and how I work. I wanna be a good person, but the poor conditions, stress, and selfishness damaged me. I’m inconsistent and weak in how I handle things then. As I’m older, mature, trying to be thankful of myself, hoping to be and learn better. For now. I wanna rest peacefully. Perhaps a reset would be nice. Not sure how much attention this will have that I pour my heart into, but thank you for reading my big vent. And I’ll probably see you on the other side when I feel ready to return.