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Woao time flies huh?
A sketch out of my journal today. Been journaling again. Though not in the nice neat handwriting like loveletters to future me. Something's getting in my way to doing that like I used to. Since this page has been on my thoughts all day I figured I'd write something here & get to share it- away from anyone that could fuss or worry about it.
Suppose I'm saying this is a TL;DR about venting or something. Don't even worry about it! I'm okay. Just getting my thoughts out somewhere. Who knows, maybe something will surprise me.
This page surprised me. The last few days especially have been journals where I'd chip a little thought in, or doodle about what I've done or what needs doing. It can be a on-off thing all day. Some days I don't even fill out all the negative space so I go back to connect it to the new day. Creating kinda a new way of stressin' about nothing. I wish I wasn't holding the thought "you're two days behind" in my head. Cos even this created a material way to feel how slow or sloppy my work has been. The way doing 88% of one page & the same amount the next meaning there's now a 24% deficit & huh??? What good is thinking like that doing me? Yea I let the thought go but it keeps returning like some buzzing fly that evades the swatting.
Actually this is weird because despite all that this page just kinda whipped up in 30 mins. It felt like such an easy 'snap' after taking a day away from coffee & keeping myself quiet. Been intentionally making myself scarce. Don't want to talk to anyone. Feeling guilty about it. That's weird. I should consider myself lucky so many people want to talk to me. I do. Or maybe that's just the fawn reflex again. Making sure I'm not saying anything to ruffle feathers or pinch anyone around me. See saying things like that can come across to others as being an ingrate! Like there's nothing I do appreciate about the people in my life. Yeesh. That's no good! I don't want anyone left feeling inadequate or like they're not worth my time or care!! I accept what others are. I accept what they want from me & what my value is to them. I learned better than to hope or try to get too close to anyone. Guess that means there's value I'm withholding.
It's not that I don't like other people! It's not that I don't trust them, either! Oh this is bothersome. I just want to express that... I've been feeling pretty forgotten lately. We all change & grow, sure. There's no one in my life who remembers it all. No one whose been there for all the big important stuff or reasons why I changed. I used to think that feeling was empowering. Being no one meant I could be anyone. I had nothing to lose if I embarrassed myself or stepped on toes. I could just whoosh away & dust my trail away with my tail. No real anchors- family. Nothing like that. Sometimes ports to shelter in a storm, the kind you don't see except by lumps of months. That was alright with me. I think it still is.
I know the value of fiction, playing make-believe. I know it's power to create something that means so much to me that I can hardly think of anything else. To worship & adore a thought or idea so much that everything else in life just falls into place. My confidence is high, my focus is sharp, & I take the steps to succeed & endure whatever I am doing. I've done it before. So many times. I can do it again.
It's just not so easy when I spend time with other people. I open myself up so much to caring & listening to others. It pours into my mind. I want to be there, I want to remember, I want to offer sincere emotional availability & encouragement & support & make my presence make a difference. It can make me stay up all night on the phone with someone who is just processing something hard or going through health concerns, & sometimes the act of support is just being there for them to fling memes at & chat about whatever their hyperfixation or show they're watching means to them. It's a beautiful feeling to get to have these moments with my friends. They all mean the world to me. Even if some of them really get on my nerves & just want to tease & gawk at me with incredulity about how much I don't know or haven't done or whatever ridiculous thing they want to tease me about TONIGHT!! HMMMPM. That... might have been targeted.
But it's all worthwhile! I want to do it. I'll do it again!!! There's no doubt in my mind that this is the way I can keep as many of the precious people in my life close to me. Even if sometimes yeah I see notifcations & I have a lil earflick & have to check to make sure it's just funny banter or something & keep on some task then totally forget to reply cos it's 7 hours later & I'm doing something else that demands all my attention. It's gotten to the point where I can't even check I'm just muting notifications & keeping that mute in the air every few hours as my only way of not forgetting. It's gotten a bit nuts. Even the pleasant chats have me kinda lacking. Like no matter how much I drink from the social cup I'm still thirsty. So about a week ago I finally snapped to make a no exceptions* silence. ( *failed immediately.) It's my goal to come out of this silence with the result I've been looking for: momentum in my art again, & perhaps conjure a new muse to worship. An OC this time. Other people are... Probably better off not having me cling to them so "unstable"y.
That other goal, about the muse has been something I've never been able to shake. Some people nudge their way into that spot. Some people feel me frame them that way without their consent or even knowing sometimes. Even before I had the tools to understand that particular affliction better it's controlled my life one way or another. Without it life is a pit, someplace sunken & it just keeps sinking lower the longer it holds. That's so dramatic! It's ridiculous, it's absurd, find other ways to fill that hole. So I've tried. Sometimes it's hard to even convince myself it's happening to me. It was an anxiety attack in the week's long insomnia fight the night of the 17th that made me realize & properly realign my thinking to handle what I'm feeling better.
I'm very loved. People make it known all the time. They praise me & spend time with me & let me have appetizers of affection & show me they value me with their persistence & patience for me. Worrying about me or what I'm trying to get out of them- no. It's okay. I know I can do this on my own if I just let the waters inside my skull settle down to see clearly like my reflection in a pond. Reduce causality, lessen stimulation- whatever you fancy calling it. It works.
Maybe it's because of one thing or another. Slap on diagnoses & armchair analyze each other til the cows come home. I've accepted & sought professional help for several of these things. That's none of your business! Getting all trigger happy with pathology language can really sour the mood for me. I've always believed that it's that I can see my true self. The reasons I made the choices I have in life that's lead me exactly where I am in life. That I am happy because of who I am, not because I am victim to this or that. I don't have so many censors on who I am as a person, the person I want to be. I can see him clearly in my mind, the person who is happy & proud to be who I am. I wouldn't trade this experience for anything else. It's been full of boundless beauty, & adventure, & oaths & dragging the void of them once broken. It's all been a life I'm glad to have had. From the days at the library leading to DDR tournaments & soap box car racing with my ex & pet sites, & forums, all the way to here. Where I live now, what I'm trying to do, what I want to spend my time with, what's the future going to be like? I have reasons for being on this track & there's things I can't give up for yet. It may not be as easy to see as a pair of eyes looking to you- needing you to survive or live any kind of life. But these are all for the animal inside of me. Someone whose worth getting to be out there & living the kind of life he wants to.
A muse is a part of me. It's like a spotlight I go putting on someone. A concentrated, overwhelming amount of love that is blinding & heavy. I've got to put it on myself again. So I chip away at some ideas. Some what ifs, some headcanons, some ocs, whatever you wanna call em. I still feel glimmers tugging me back to old characters that really got to hand over to the torch to this foxy saga. I still have plenty of love to pour on the fox, but something's not feeling right. It feels like every time I see him I'm seeing unfulfilled wishes. Like people who make up part of him is just so much there's not much left of the fox underneath. A pity, cos I really like the guy. I like being a fox & getting sent the fox pics & targetted with fox profiling. It's probably been the most fun I've had with furry yet. There's been attempts at muses for him, building ships off. Sometimes I made fox-likes, like a trio of siblings who could banter amongst themselves for fun scenario & dynamics to explore in my art. Then I went scatter fire & tried like a whole caravan for fuckers around Leon? It was so funny. I got real into some DND thing the last year- still never got to play it but a couple times my friends & I got together to roleplay a teeny bit with Baldur's Gate 3- oh & Frieren is absolutely just "comfy DND campaign, the anime." Getting to roleplay again sounds nice- but no. Not for a while. There's too much that goes into that to really try to worry about right now. Especially not with everyone in the world apparently so stressed out they want to POP.
Point is none of them really stuck yet. I get a lil fascinated with them for a few days but then kinda drop them. Doesn't feel like I'm making the art enough or like satisfying or there's been something outside the work that overtakes the mind & coming back to it I'm just "huh...?" & think to use it later down the line. Yknow, like stock characters. People who aren't too deep or detailed yet but you gotta lil quintessence about em, names, age, occupations, what they had for breakfast, & how they dress goes a looong way for creating with! So probably fine for roleplaying or writing again but not so useful to my illustration thing. Heh. This week was "little brother with big brother" sort of research. Just combing through every place I could think of that had like healthy fraternal bonds in literature or media. It's shocking how little there is??? Weird that you never really see brother-brother relationships in stories without it being some kinda tragedy or rivalry or something. That didn't lead to any sort of draft or decision, but it did make me fly off the handle about how Shinra & Sho might be one of the best examples I've ever seen & somehow it has to be one of the grossest experiences in problematic art with Fire Force. I liked that show so much more than I should have & it pisses me off!!!
That's neither here nor there. The muse still remains a pulsating void of anguish. Yet for whatever reason when I just let go of trying to do anything with the art & let it be what it was, ended up making such a comfy scene for me, so quick too. I am humiliated to say that the first words out of my mouth were "Now to do it digitally" the second I showed this art to anyone. As if all my art & mind is get back to it, get back to what people want to see. It's a bit crushing, but that went away fast too. I mean 30 minutes? That's a flash, that's nothing who cares. I can just zone out staring at this piece & feeling happy & satisfied for myself. There's me! That's my guy!! fuck yea
It has me wondering on what the hell it is I need. Maybe I should put my foxy boy on some fantastical day care & come back to check in on him after who knows how long. Spending time with elves, pixies, or fairies can be a few days to a lifetime with the way they live. Only a little time spent the way you perceive them & you come back & the whole world's changed. Trying to think of things the way this boyish foxy fool makes me feel might not fit. Might not work. He's, after all, the part of me I associate most with connections, to others, to warmth & togetherness. I've tried plenty to give him some sort of puppet or doll or plaything but it just never feels right. It's not quite the same. I'll let him take his fantastical-grade "realness" with the only thing that could match him, a fairy, & go off to hide in the woods like he wants to so much. There's got to be something else that rings true to my heart. Something I can work & chew on that keeps me supplied with pride that I can use to carry the rest of my queue with. Seems I only get to exist inside my art, so I might as well lean into it & make it true once more.
Maybe I'm just tired, & the 8th day of insomnia is getting into my thoughts. Might be up a bit longer today. Kung Fu Panda 4 is out & I wanna catch the 5 dollay tuesday matinee. Maybe Dune 2 as well if it's still clear. I had this deep compulsion to just look at this piece & feel so drawn into it, like the way I could get drawn into my imagination for stuff like Zelda & Skyrim & all when I was younger. Honestly coming to thinking about putting Leon on the back burner didn't even occur to me until I started writing my thoughts out here. Bit too much to kinda throw on any one person or do so honestly so, thanks for listening if you had that kind of time. If not hey don't worry about it, I'll never let my foxy go I might just spend more time on some of my other characters for a bit. Helps with juggling real work for others.
I love fairies. They're so tricky to wrap your head around. Empathize or don't, trust or don't, give name or don't- fae will either help you & do something horrid to you. Sometimes it's mocked up to a lesson or some poetic irony, sometimes it's just pure malice. Is it dumb luck or a spark of something fae in you if you come away from something like a years long banquet in the stretch of only a few weekends the way you recall it. There's no point in trying to think about how to customer service anybody, or keep them from blowing up in your face, or how to shut the air off to any hateful or wicked things you see. No need to stress if that was too much or if that crossed a line or if this means someone's doing something harmful again. No way. Fairies will kill you dead on a whim. You're not gonna predict that. They've utterly inscrutable ethics. Just be pleasant as you can to someone & show them the same interest & maybe you wont end up in a ditch. Maybe neither one of you wouldn't do it! Could be some other thing. Hey, you might even help each other out if it sounds pleasant enough to you. You never know what's gonna happen.
Weird to think that might be one of the most perfect muses if ever I heard one. Though I don't get the feeling people are gonna wanna see a winged glowball a million million times. Not much room for growth there, either. Though it is a pleasant thought. Some people make a living out of stabbing inky fairies into people's thighs! So, think about that! Hm hm hm hm hm hm!
For just a little while I wanted to get to talk into the void like someone might be listening. Yet I want to be alone? What a beautiful sound of tension that contradiction makes when plucked. I miss my violin.
Catchya later, cuz.
A sketch out of my journal today. Been journaling again. Though not in the nice neat handwriting like loveletters to future me. Something's getting in my way to doing that like I used to. Since this page has been on my thoughts all day I figured I'd write something here & get to share it- away from anyone that could fuss or worry about it.
Suppose I'm saying this is a TL;DR about venting or something. Don't even worry about it! I'm okay. Just getting my thoughts out somewhere. Who knows, maybe something will surprise me.
This page surprised me. The last few days especially have been journals where I'd chip a little thought in, or doodle about what I've done or what needs doing. It can be a on-off thing all day. Some days I don't even fill out all the negative space so I go back to connect it to the new day. Creating kinda a new way of stressin' about nothing. I wish I wasn't holding the thought "you're two days behind" in my head. Cos even this created a material way to feel how slow or sloppy my work has been. The way doing 88% of one page & the same amount the next meaning there's now a 24% deficit & huh??? What good is thinking like that doing me? Yea I let the thought go but it keeps returning like some buzzing fly that evades the swatting.
Actually this is weird because despite all that this page just kinda whipped up in 30 mins. It felt like such an easy 'snap' after taking a day away from coffee & keeping myself quiet. Been intentionally making myself scarce. Don't want to talk to anyone. Feeling guilty about it. That's weird. I should consider myself lucky so many people want to talk to me. I do. Or maybe that's just the fawn reflex again. Making sure I'm not saying anything to ruffle feathers or pinch anyone around me. See saying things like that can come across to others as being an ingrate! Like there's nothing I do appreciate about the people in my life. Yeesh. That's no good! I don't want anyone left feeling inadequate or like they're not worth my time or care!! I accept what others are. I accept what they want from me & what my value is to them. I learned better than to hope or try to get too close to anyone. Guess that means there's value I'm withholding.
It's not that I don't like other people! It's not that I don't trust them, either! Oh this is bothersome. I just want to express that... I've been feeling pretty forgotten lately. We all change & grow, sure. There's no one in my life who remembers it all. No one whose been there for all the big important stuff or reasons why I changed. I used to think that feeling was empowering. Being no one meant I could be anyone. I had nothing to lose if I embarrassed myself or stepped on toes. I could just whoosh away & dust my trail away with my tail. No real anchors- family. Nothing like that. Sometimes ports to shelter in a storm, the kind you don't see except by lumps of months. That was alright with me. I think it still is.
I know the value of fiction, playing make-believe. I know it's power to create something that means so much to me that I can hardly think of anything else. To worship & adore a thought or idea so much that everything else in life just falls into place. My confidence is high, my focus is sharp, & I take the steps to succeed & endure whatever I am doing. I've done it before. So many times. I can do it again.
It's just not so easy when I spend time with other people. I open myself up so much to caring & listening to others. It pours into my mind. I want to be there, I want to remember, I want to offer sincere emotional availability & encouragement & support & make my presence make a difference. It can make me stay up all night on the phone with someone who is just processing something hard or going through health concerns, & sometimes the act of support is just being there for them to fling memes at & chat about whatever their hyperfixation or show they're watching means to them. It's a beautiful feeling to get to have these moments with my friends. They all mean the world to me. Even if some of them really get on my nerves & just want to tease & gawk at me with incredulity about how much I don't know or haven't done or whatever ridiculous thing they want to tease me about TONIGHT!! HMMMPM. That... might have been targeted.
But it's all worthwhile! I want to do it. I'll do it again!!! There's no doubt in my mind that this is the way I can keep as many of the precious people in my life close to me. Even if sometimes yeah I see notifcations & I have a lil earflick & have to check to make sure it's just funny banter or something & keep on some task then totally forget to reply cos it's 7 hours later & I'm doing something else that demands all my attention. It's gotten to the point where I can't even check I'm just muting notifications & keeping that mute in the air every few hours as my only way of not forgetting. It's gotten a bit nuts. Even the pleasant chats have me kinda lacking. Like no matter how much I drink from the social cup I'm still thirsty. So about a week ago I finally snapped to make a no exceptions* silence. ( *failed immediately.) It's my goal to come out of this silence with the result I've been looking for: momentum in my art again, & perhaps conjure a new muse to worship. An OC this time. Other people are... Probably better off not having me cling to them so "unstable"y.
That other goal, about the muse has been something I've never been able to shake. Some people nudge their way into that spot. Some people feel me frame them that way without their consent or even knowing sometimes. Even before I had the tools to understand that particular affliction better it's controlled my life one way or another. Without it life is a pit, someplace sunken & it just keeps sinking lower the longer it holds. That's so dramatic! It's ridiculous, it's absurd, find other ways to fill that hole. So I've tried. Sometimes it's hard to even convince myself it's happening to me. It was an anxiety attack in the week's long insomnia fight the night of the 17th that made me realize & properly realign my thinking to handle what I'm feeling better.
I'm very loved. People make it known all the time. They praise me & spend time with me & let me have appetizers of affection & show me they value me with their persistence & patience for me. Worrying about me or what I'm trying to get out of them- no. It's okay. I know I can do this on my own if I just let the waters inside my skull settle down to see clearly like my reflection in a pond. Reduce causality, lessen stimulation- whatever you fancy calling it. It works.
Maybe it's because of one thing or another. Slap on diagnoses & armchair analyze each other til the cows come home. I've accepted & sought professional help for several of these things. That's none of your business! Getting all trigger happy with pathology language can really sour the mood for me. I've always believed that it's that I can see my true self. The reasons I made the choices I have in life that's lead me exactly where I am in life. That I am happy because of who I am, not because I am victim to this or that. I don't have so many censors on who I am as a person, the person I want to be. I can see him clearly in my mind, the person who is happy & proud to be who I am. I wouldn't trade this experience for anything else. It's been full of boundless beauty, & adventure, & oaths & dragging the void of them once broken. It's all been a life I'm glad to have had. From the days at the library leading to DDR tournaments & soap box car racing with my ex & pet sites, & forums, all the way to here. Where I live now, what I'm trying to do, what I want to spend my time with, what's the future going to be like? I have reasons for being on this track & there's things I can't give up for yet. It may not be as easy to see as a pair of eyes looking to you- needing you to survive or live any kind of life. But these are all for the animal inside of me. Someone whose worth getting to be out there & living the kind of life he wants to.
A muse is a part of me. It's like a spotlight I go putting on someone. A concentrated, overwhelming amount of love that is blinding & heavy. I've got to put it on myself again. So I chip away at some ideas. Some what ifs, some headcanons, some ocs, whatever you wanna call em. I still feel glimmers tugging me back to old characters that really got to hand over to the torch to this foxy saga. I still have plenty of love to pour on the fox, but something's not feeling right. It feels like every time I see him I'm seeing unfulfilled wishes. Like people who make up part of him is just so much there's not much left of the fox underneath. A pity, cos I really like the guy. I like being a fox & getting sent the fox pics & targetted with fox profiling. It's probably been the most fun I've had with furry yet. There's been attempts at muses for him, building ships off. Sometimes I made fox-likes, like a trio of siblings who could banter amongst themselves for fun scenario & dynamics to explore in my art. Then I went scatter fire & tried like a whole caravan for fuckers around Leon? It was so funny. I got real into some DND thing the last year- still never got to play it but a couple times my friends & I got together to roleplay a teeny bit with Baldur's Gate 3- oh & Frieren is absolutely just "comfy DND campaign, the anime." Getting to roleplay again sounds nice- but no. Not for a while. There's too much that goes into that to really try to worry about right now. Especially not with everyone in the world apparently so stressed out they want to POP.
Point is none of them really stuck yet. I get a lil fascinated with them for a few days but then kinda drop them. Doesn't feel like I'm making the art enough or like satisfying or there's been something outside the work that overtakes the mind & coming back to it I'm just "huh...?" & think to use it later down the line. Yknow, like stock characters. People who aren't too deep or detailed yet but you gotta lil quintessence about em, names, age, occupations, what they had for breakfast, & how they dress goes a looong way for creating with! So probably fine for roleplaying or writing again but not so useful to my illustration thing. Heh. This week was "little brother with big brother" sort of research. Just combing through every place I could think of that had like healthy fraternal bonds in literature or media. It's shocking how little there is??? Weird that you never really see brother-brother relationships in stories without it being some kinda tragedy or rivalry or something. That didn't lead to any sort of draft or decision, but it did make me fly off the handle about how Shinra & Sho might be one of the best examples I've ever seen & somehow it has to be one of the grossest experiences in problematic art with Fire Force. I liked that show so much more than I should have & it pisses me off!!!
That's neither here nor there. The muse still remains a pulsating void of anguish. Yet for whatever reason when I just let go of trying to do anything with the art & let it be what it was, ended up making such a comfy scene for me, so quick too. I am humiliated to say that the first words out of my mouth were "Now to do it digitally" the second I showed this art to anyone. As if all my art & mind is get back to it, get back to what people want to see. It's a bit crushing, but that went away fast too. I mean 30 minutes? That's a flash, that's nothing who cares. I can just zone out staring at this piece & feeling happy & satisfied for myself. There's me! That's my guy!! fuck yea
It has me wondering on what the hell it is I need. Maybe I should put my foxy boy on some fantastical day care & come back to check in on him after who knows how long. Spending time with elves, pixies, or fairies can be a few days to a lifetime with the way they live. Only a little time spent the way you perceive them & you come back & the whole world's changed. Trying to think of things the way this boyish foxy fool makes me feel might not fit. Might not work. He's, after all, the part of me I associate most with connections, to others, to warmth & togetherness. I've tried plenty to give him some sort of puppet or doll or plaything but it just never feels right. It's not quite the same. I'll let him take his fantastical-grade "realness" with the only thing that could match him, a fairy, & go off to hide in the woods like he wants to so much. There's got to be something else that rings true to my heart. Something I can work & chew on that keeps me supplied with pride that I can use to carry the rest of my queue with. Seems I only get to exist inside my art, so I might as well lean into it & make it true once more.
Maybe I'm just tired, & the 8th day of insomnia is getting into my thoughts. Might be up a bit longer today. Kung Fu Panda 4 is out & I wanna catch the 5 dollay tuesday matinee. Maybe Dune 2 as well if it's still clear. I had this deep compulsion to just look at this piece & feel so drawn into it, like the way I could get drawn into my imagination for stuff like Zelda & Skyrim & all when I was younger. Honestly coming to thinking about putting Leon on the back burner didn't even occur to me until I started writing my thoughts out here. Bit too much to kinda throw on any one person or do so honestly so, thanks for listening if you had that kind of time. If not hey don't worry about it, I'll never let my foxy go I might just spend more time on some of my other characters for a bit. Helps with juggling real work for others.
I love fairies. They're so tricky to wrap your head around. Empathize or don't, trust or don't, give name or don't- fae will either help you & do something horrid to you. Sometimes it's mocked up to a lesson or some poetic irony, sometimes it's just pure malice. Is it dumb luck or a spark of something fae in you if you come away from something like a years long banquet in the stretch of only a few weekends the way you recall it. There's no point in trying to think about how to customer service anybody, or keep them from blowing up in your face, or how to shut the air off to any hateful or wicked things you see. No need to stress if that was too much or if that crossed a line or if this means someone's doing something harmful again. No way. Fairies will kill you dead on a whim. You're not gonna predict that. They've utterly inscrutable ethics. Just be pleasant as you can to someone & show them the same interest & maybe you wont end up in a ditch. Maybe neither one of you wouldn't do it! Could be some other thing. Hey, you might even help each other out if it sounds pleasant enough to you. You never know what's gonna happen.
Weird to think that might be one of the most perfect muses if ever I heard one. Though I don't get the feeling people are gonna wanna see a winged glowball a million million times. Not much room for growth there, either. Though it is a pleasant thought. Some people make a living out of stabbing inky fairies into people's thighs! So, think about that! Hm hm hm hm hm hm!
For just a little while I wanted to get to talk into the void like someone might be listening. Yet I want to be alone? What a beautiful sound of tension that contradiction makes when plucked. I miss my violin.
Catchya later, cuz.
Category Artwork (Traditional) / General Furry Art
Species Red Fox
Size 1662 x 2217px
File Size 420.5 kB
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