A small AU one shot set in a timeline where Adam somehow survived and ended up as a hotel’s resident. Sir Pentious also didn’t die. The story is practically Adam and Lucifer being old nut jobs. The narration is from Husk’s perspective
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“Don’t you fucking tell me that bullshit!
….Believe me, it never fucking snows in hell. Not once in a hundred years, not once in a thousand years…. Never….
It’s been like that when I got here 50 years ago, and it’s still like that. Not that I care, but maybe a bit of snow would have prevented the stupid fuckery that I got to see.
You remember how when New Year’s Eve was fucking months ago, Charlie babbled everyone’s ears off about how good it would be to celebrate outside. To have a NICE little picnic party all together. How fucking precious… At that moment, I wanted nothing more than someone to shoot me. Because sometimes I can barely handle being in the company of you noisy motherfuckers on CASUAL days. It was inevitable that a whole party involving beverages would make everyone even more obnoxious.
For the first time in forever, I swore not to get drunk. Someone sober has to be there to help the princess drag the tipsy dumbasses to beds by their fucking legs. Alastor would not bother with that. He'd say something like: “There’s nothing as beneficial as a nap in the open air! Why ever would I deprive our dear friends of that?”. I know that from experience. And that’s coming from a moron who had already dropped exhausted a few times right on the streets! “Ooooh, I’m such a big scary demon, I don’t need sleep!”. Fucking shitbag…. And guess who had to carry him home every single time? Yeah, you guessed right, his loyal 'servant' Husker right here....
Back to the damn party… There was this big table full of food and booze… And then the princess and her pet angel left and went back to the hotel. They said they’d ‘be a minute’, but in reality, they were gone for FAR longer than that. Hope they had a good bang there. Can’t blame them really, in my younger days I did a shitty job at containing myself too....
Right, the party…. Left unattended, almost everyone helped themselves to a few shots.
That alone would be half the problem. But Charlie decided to be fucking original and brought a fuckload of party game stuff to the table. For whatever stupid reason that also included a baseball bat.
And for another stupid reason, the ex-exorcist fuck fell in love with that bat. He got too loud for my tastes, running his big annoying mouth about how he used to be the best baseball player in Heaven and how all chicks were clinging to his dick after every game or something like that… In the process, he was pacing in front of the table with the bat over his shoulder, proud as an ape after mating.
I couldn't care less for that fairy tale. Niffty and Pentious were listening though. And I have to give it to his majesty - he's fucking cool as a cucumber. Despite being just as annoyed by Adam as me, he managed to refrain from making fun of him for that shitty boring ass boasting. Maybe it was the wine that helped Lucifer distract himself. He was taking sips religiously every minute and pouring himself more and more. Not a good sign.
Adam approaching Lucifer all of a sudden was not a good sign either. The ‘first dick’ (and I mean it in an insulting way) hiccupped and claimed that Lucifer was weak at sports and could never beat him in a fair game. Something tells me that a good part of his brain was contained in the halo that his angel bitch carried away to Heaven…. Because who the fuck shoots themselves in the leg by challenging Lucifer? Even if he is drunk….
Lucifer tried to not be provoked. He politely (I’d never if I were in his shoes) told Adam to fuck off. Adam, stubborn as fucking ever, shoved the bat’s end mockingly into Lucifer’s chest and almost made him fall off the stool.
I thought a kicking of a certain fat ass was about to happen, but Lucifer surprised us all by keeping his cool even after that. However, he actually fucking accepted the challenge. He was probably tired and eager to get Adam out of his hair, I dunno.
Actually, Lucifer has been doing a good job at not murdering or crippling the prick ever since he arrived here. He’s that afraid of upsetting his daughter. Big loss, I say.
They were both drunk. Not roll around on the ground level of drunk (bet they both regretted that later). Just lightly staggering kind of tipsy.
But something was amiss. The baseballs to hit with the bat. When asked, Pentious just shrugged and muttered something about how Charlie just didn’t want the bat to be lying around in the storage all by itself and how she thought that someone might come up with a good idea of how to use it. That fucking miss innocence had no idea what she was going to help happen, did she?
Like daughter, like father… Lucifer decided to get creative too (you can tell I’m being sarcastic, right?) and to choose something else to hit instead of baseballs. You remember that apple tree, right? The one that Charlie and Lucifer planted in the backyard of the hotel as a symbol of their family bond? Fucking sweet and all, but… I have NO idea where they got that tree from. Nobody does.
I can’t believe that fucking tree is actually bearing fruits. Those apples are scattered all around it. You already guessed where I’m getting at, haven’t you?
Adam and Lucifer agreed on using the apples instead of baseballs. Those who were left sitting at the table were DEIFNITELY not bored at that point. Everyone was interested in watching the impending catastrophe, too fucking drunk to stop those two dumbasses. Personally, I got ready to cover myself and Niffty with wings in case some of the apples would fly in our direction. As for other fuckers, I figured they should be on their own. It was their own fault for sitting there goggle-eyed instead of running away.
The idea of that weird fucking match between Adam and Lucifer was to keep on hitting the apple with the bat at each other until one of them missed it – that’d be the loser. Swearing and boasting, those two got in the positions near a huge rock. The one that’s near the apple tree. Lucifer was facing away from it. When I saw how unstable and red-faced those two were, I knew it all was going to go to shit pretty fast.
When Lucifer suggested he should hit first, Adam threw a tantrum making Lucifer grudgingly agree to let him be first. Just to shut him up, I reckon. After that, Adam blurted out something like: “Yeah, that’s right! Know who’s the alpha male here, bitch!”. Now that’s fucking pathetic…
Adam tossed the apple in the air and swung his bat. Something tells me he was aiming for Lucifer’s forehead with that one. But thanks to his drunkenness, the prick missed by a mile and sent the apple flying all the way above Lucifer’s head. It landed behind the giant rock.
Then we all heard someone yelp and curse behind the rock. Some kind of dumbass was hiding behind it and… eavesdropping? I think.... I'll tell you who that was later.
That yelp and cursing got Lucifer all perked up. "Alright! Who’s there?”, - he asked in a slurred voice, trying hard to sound ominous. While doing so, he made the grave mistake of turning his back to Adam to look at the rock.
Adam was not going to miss the chance to take advantage of his opponent facing away. With a shit-eating grin, he tossed another apple in the air and sent it shooting straight at Lucifer’s…. ass.
The smack sound was very fucking loud and clear. After that fucking home run Adam let out one of those fat-brained laughs that makes everyone want to punch him. I heard Alastor snicker too. He was sitting next to me. Cherri was covering her mouth with both hands and snorting. She did a wise thing, avoiding laughing loudly at the fucking king of hell.
And well, I guess that was the breakpoint of Lucifer’s patience with that moron. The last straw that broke the camel’s back or some shit. He turned around and yelled: “That’s it!!! I’m fucking you up…!!!”. After that, we all saw a small imp jump from behind that giant rock and run away. He must have thought that Lucifer was addressing him. So he was running for his life. In just a few seconds he was at the fucking horizon. Yep, he was the eavesdropper.
“… Again!”, - Lucifer finished his sentence.
We thought Lucifer would get in a physical fight with Adam. Or use fucking magic….. But he didn’t. He was still too careful not to hurt ANY of the princess’ patrons too much. Charlie better be fucking proud of him….
So Lucifer looked around to find another apple to hit Adam with, but all the apples around him were rotten and soggy (how else would they be, left on the ground for so long?). So Lucifer acted like a sissy, claiming that he would not touch those with his white gloves. Adam made some jab at his expense and... Ugh, I don’t fucking remember what he said! Some stupid shit like always. Fuck off and listen.
The point is, what Lucifer did next contradicted what he had said to the fucking moon and back.
Still holding on to his bat, Lucifer started climbing the apple tree. So, he’s afraid of touching rotten apples but not afraid of climbing the tree in his white gloves? Oh, right, he was fucking drunk. They all were…. Except me and fucking Alastor. Also, Charlie and Vaggie, who weren't there.
Right, so Lucifer started climbing the tree. While doing so, he was grumbling something about how he was going to find more apples up there and use them to machine-gun Adam from above. Wannabe assassin type of shit.
Meanwhile, it got darker because it was fucking evening and we were supposed to be waiting for midnight together.
Understandably, Adam was not ready for Lucifer conking him on the head with an apple (I mean, who WOULD have been ready for that?). And so he got the idea of striking Lucifer first.
Unfortunately, Adam was luckier than Lucifer. Ripe hard apples were lying right next to him. The bastard picked them up and started rigorously hurling them into the tree crown. That clown’s got a death wish, I fucking swear… A second one… I bet he got dropped on his head back when he was created in Eden. Otherwise, I can’t fucking explain a lot of things he does.
So, he was throwing apples at the tree in hopes of hitting Lucifer. Sometimes smacks and quiet swearing could have been heard from the tree’s crown. Some of the apples definitely didn’t fly past.
Meanwhile, Lucifer climbed all the way to the top of the tree (but we couldn't see that, the tree's crown is too thick). Guess there were no apples left there. He had been searching for them for too long.
Adam had one last apple left in his hands. And he decided to go for it. He picked up his bat, made a grand fucking swing and put all his raw strength into that one hit.
Only then cruel irony came into play. Lucifer was destined to be taken down by the apples that evening, his own very fucking symbol.
You see, Adam’s hands were wet from the juice of all the apples he touched before. And that meant he had to be fucking careful with that bat. But this is Adam we are talking about….
In the process of hitting the ball, he lost grip on the bat. It slipped out of his wet gross hands (once again, who wouldn’t have?) and headed for the tree’s crown fast, beautifully spinning in the air all the way up.
Time stopped for all of us. Everyone’s breath hitched and everyone’s pants got wet.... including Adam’s. He even had that grimace of fear on his face, similar to the one when Niffty stabbed him. As for me… I just couldn’t care less. Alastor was ecstatically gawking at the scene, like a five-year-old watching fireworks.
So yeah. Soon we heard the bat reaching the target. Fuck, it wasn’t just us who heard! I think the whole hell heard that. It was one of those bloodcurdling angry roars only a seraphim (well, a fallen one, whatever) could have let out. It burst out of the tree’s crown and send a motherfucking deafening sound wave all across Pentagram City and possibly all rings.
Whatever demons or imps were scurrying about near the hotel instantly shat their pants and slithered away, pale as ghosts.
The bats were the first to drop down on the ground from the tree. The one that Adam threw and the one that Lucifer had with him when climbing up.
Lucifer must have been regretting having climbed so high up. I think the bat that hit him startled him so much that he forgot to use his wings. Or maybe it was hard to use them with all the tree limbs around him. Or was it the wine turning his brain into mush? Whatever the fucking reason was, the king was now performing a twisted downhill freestyle, falling and hitting all the branches with all parts of his body. At the same time, he shouted out more curses than anyone had ever heard from him. More than that, they were masterfully put together into sentences. I don't think anyone in hell can match that.
I remember Niffty crying: “Nooo! The baddest boy is gonna dieeee!”. Pffff, yeah, like hell… Angels are natural survivors. We learned that the hard way when fucking Adam came to the hotel right after dying.
Scaring all of what little neighborhood the hotel has with his loud cursing, Lucifer finally landed on the ground. He lacked his hat. Broken twigs, leaves and small underripe apples were showering him, reaching the ground later because they were fucking lighter. That small round sticker that was previously on Adam’s bat was now crumpled and on Lucifer’s forehead. A tad later the hat fell from the tree last and landed right on Lucifer’s head. Tilted to one side and almost covering his eyes, though…
It would have been complete silence that ensued right after that… If it wasn’t for Alastor laughing his ass off and banging his fist against the table.
Adam looked like a frozen statue, unsure of what to do next…. I’m telling you the fucking truth. No mocking, no laughing, no dumbass commentary. Looks like even that asshole is able to tell when he goes too far. Did Charlie’s goody ramblings finally get to him or what….? If that’s the case, we are going to be fucking blessed one day.
Just kidding. Adam was just afraid of Lucifer tearing him a new one.
And then… Charlie and Vaggie chose that very moment to return. They were carrying a huge pie and stopped right in their tracks when they saw cross-eyed Lucifer sitting under the tree, Alastor laughing and everyone else scared shitless.
“Hey, Char”, - Cherri said, giggling nervously: “Adam almost killed your pops a moment ago”.
The prick hurried to cover his ass: “Shut your trap, you dumb bitch! It was an accident!”.
By that moment Lucifer recovered from his thrilling experience. He started getting off the ground. Then he smiled sweetly and talked in a fake quiet voice, like the one you usually use when you’re planning to suddenly start yelling: “How the hell…. do you ACCIDENTALLY THROW A BAT AT SOMEONE?!”.
A motherfucking court hearing session started right then and there. Lucifer was yelling at Adam, accusing him of wanting to kill him with a bat. He even switched to his full demonic form, the one he used in that battle for the hotel. The sticker from the bat was still on his forehead all the while, by the way.
Adam was busting his ass defending himself at the top of his fucking lungs. My head hurts every time that bastard is near.
Cherri and Pentious suddenly advocated for Adam, claiming to be witnesses of how the bat throw was actually an accident. Niffty was shrieking about how she “knows they both are bad boys, but this is one of the times when bad boys didn’t mean to kill each other! I SAW IT ALL”, shit like that.
Charlie and Vaggie just stood there, blinking dumbly and not knowing what to make of it all.
And I just wanted to fucking drink myself into stupor and forget all about it. Now that Charlie and Vaggie were there, I knew all those big toddlers could be watched by someone other than me.
And then we celebrated the fucking New Year's Eve. End of the story. Fuck, almost forgot - we agreed on celebrating it again for you, Angel. Charlie said it was unfair to leave you out of this, and everyone instantly agreed because that meant more partying. More food, more drinks…etc….”.
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“Holy… shit! Damn it! Fuck Val for making me work on New Year’s Eve! I can’t believe I missed out on all that! Fucking sucks ass…”.

“Heheh, don’t worry. Cherri’s got you covered. She recorded what had happened with her phone. All of it. So go see her”.

“REALLY?! YOU'RE NOT SHITTING ME? HOHOH, YEAH!!!! Husky, thanks, you’re a great storyteller, really! I laughed my ass off, my sides fucking hurt! Bu-u-u-ut I want to see it with my own eyes now! Bye~”.
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*sigh*
“Idiots…. All of them…”