we are a lot alike...

We're a lot alike as well. I have had two grandmothers die and I didn't really break down and cry but I did cry when my do died. :< You're not alone! :)

*dog

Heh. Emotionally dysfunctional people unite. though I don't cry over animals either...

Why do you feel like you can't be feminine?

I'm afraid that (especially as I get older) people will just think I'm a creep if I'm more feminine. I really want the freedom to wear more feminine clothes and have more feminine interests (crocheting aside -- I like cute things!) but I know that it will at least get me weird looks. If not now (because I'm 20) than definitely later (what happens when I'm 40 or so?)

Unfortunately people also associate femininity I think with childishness, and tbh I do like a lot of things that are kind of "childish". I think if someone saw an oldish guy doing that they would instantly think "pedophile" or at least "there's something wrong with him". Whereas women can have cute character things their entire lives and no one cares, for example.

Just one of many anxieties about it. :<

Oh! I understand, then. Yeah. Honestly I've gotten to the point where I don't care. I likes what I likes. I know I'm not some freaky pedo, who cares if soccer mom Jill and yuppie dad Donald thinks ... whatever? :)

Also consider that by the time you're 40 the same values won't be floating around as now. People's perception of gender and sexuality is more open than even ten years ago... it's SLOWLY improving, but it is. If we're considering a whole lifetime... honestly I think you're doing yourself a disservice to deny yourself what you want to do because of how folks might perceive you [unless of course we're talking physical danger, obviously]