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I promise 😞
My aunt committed suicide Thursday morning. I cannot shake the sound of the gun, the thud after, the frantic banging on her door to beg her to open it, the 9/11 call, the 8 officers barging in her room, the silence afterwards…I watched someone take their life Thursday, I watched someone give up. I witnessed someone’s final decision….why didn’t she just talk to someone? Why?
I witnessed a boy losing his mother. I watched a mother lose the last child she had left. I’m in an unfathomable amount of pain….but I know, even though it’s so hard to deal with right now, that I promised I wouldn’t take my life. I had so many close calls…I almost jumped a bridge only to be stopped by a stray cat…I stopped myself from jumping in front of train…I stopped myself from overdosing on pills…
I cannot bear what I have witnessed Thursday morning….and even though we bickered so much, I wouldn’t wish someone taking their life. I can’t do this. I can’t. 😞
How do you move forward? How?
My aunt committed suicide Thursday morning. I cannot shake the sound of the gun, the thud after, the frantic banging on her door to beg her to open it, the 9/11 call, the 8 officers barging in her room, the silence afterwards…I watched someone take their life Thursday, I watched someone give up. I witnessed someone’s final decision….why didn’t she just talk to someone? Why?
I witnessed a boy losing his mother. I watched a mother lose the last child she had left. I’m in an unfathomable amount of pain….but I know, even though it’s so hard to deal with right now, that I promised I wouldn’t take my life. I had so many close calls…I almost jumped a bridge only to be stopped by a stray cat…I stopped myself from jumping in front of train…I stopped myself from overdosing on pills…
I cannot bear what I have witnessed Thursday morning….and even though we bickered so much, I wouldn’t wish someone taking their life. I can’t do this. I can’t. 😞
How do you move forward? How?
Category Artwork (Digital) / Animal related (non-anthro)
Species Dog (Other)
Size 1300 x 1800px
File Size 161.3 kB
I've been trying to find the words to comment on this or the journal. I haven't talked about my brush with suicide in a long time, and it wasn't even direct contact persay. I loved a boy with everything in me for years, we went to junior prom together and I just...never stopped loving him. Not sure why just. .something about him. We were really close even for a little while after graduating. But eventually we just sort of fell out of contact. My heart never stopped loving him, so many times I considered texting him, calling him. One day I woke up early for work, booted up Facebook for the first time in not sure how long.
There it was on my main page, people saying they were going to miss him, that he was gone too soon. I couldn't keep it together, I sobbed and sobbed that day and for many days after. My parents were upset, "you weren't even that close with him anymore". They didn't understand how it tore me up inside. I went into a heavy state of depression for a year, pushed everyone away I cared about. When I came out of it, when I could finally think of him without immediately crying I was left with nothing/noone. I'd pushed away all my friends in my state of depression. There was noone waiting for me when I healed. What I'm trying to say us, it's okay to not be okay, it's okay to need time to heal. But rely on people, even if only a little to get you through. Or else you may be even lonelier at the end of it all.
There it was on my main page, people saying they were going to miss him, that he was gone too soon. I couldn't keep it together, I sobbed and sobbed that day and for many days after. My parents were upset, "you weren't even that close with him anymore". They didn't understand how it tore me up inside. I went into a heavy state of depression for a year, pushed everyone away I cared about. When I came out of it, when I could finally think of him without immediately crying I was left with nothing/noone. I'd pushed away all my friends in my state of depression. There was noone waiting for me when I healed. What I'm trying to say us, it's okay to not be okay, it's okay to need time to heal. But rely on people, even if only a little to get you through. Or else you may be even lonelier at the end of it all.
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