This is a song that I recorded last year, but decided not to upload to FA at the time, after perceiving a marked shift in the 'support-to-criticism' ratio here. But I'm trying to give FA another chance, so here goes.

"Survivor's Guilt", in a nutshell, is about depression. In particular, I wanted to write something that touched on how depression, over time, turns you into a different person than you used to be. Everyone changes over time, of course, and even someone who doesn't suffer from depression is a different person several decades down the road. But with depression, there can be a feeling that you've become a different person than who you were meant to become. A nagging feeling of unfulfilled promise, of an alternate future having been stolen from you. It's part of the reason I chose the thumbnail photo I've used, which is of me at my 2nd birthday party, 50 years ago. It's one of my favorite pictures ever taken of me-- and also one that brings me sadness-- because there's so much joy in it. I want to feel that much happiness again, and I know that I never will. Even without depression, that'd probably be true. Becoming an adult introduces hardships and hard truths into your life, and there's no going back to the time before that became your reality. Still, a piece of that child lives within me... and maybe that's what's kept me going all these years. Because this song is not just about depression, it's also about fighting depression. There's a ray of hope at the end, because you never know what'll happen tomorrow if you're not around for it.

When I first posted this on Soundcloud, a listener kindly inquired about my well-being. I'm OK. It's tough sometimes, but I'm fortunate to have a pretty good support system. I'm also really good at distracting myself from the darker thoughts. And writing about stuff like this really helps, especially if there's a chance that it might help somebody else. I performed this song at an open mic recently and someone in the audience told me how much they liked it and could relate to it, and that's part of why I'm reversing my decision not to upload it here. If you're fighting depression, keep fighting. You are not alone.

I've played a little fast and loose with the term "survivor's guilt" here. Usually it's used to describe the guilt felt by someone who survives a singular event which others did not, such as a plane crash or other catastrophe. In this case, what has been survived is instead the cumulative burden of a life lived with depression-- a burden to which so many people succumb, unfortunately. The 'guilt' is from the feeling of being effectively crippled by the illness at times, and of not being able to live the self-sufficient and more productive life that might have otherwise been led.


"Survivor's Guilt" (2:34)
Recorded February 2022

Sometimes when I think about the person that I am
I just can't figure out why anyone still gives a damn
It's so easy to find the things that I would like to change
The good parts are all buried under 50 years of pain

And excavating memories can be a daunting task
It's hard to answer questions that you can't even ask
When your past is a minefield just waiting to explode
The future can feel like a dark, forbidding road

In spite of all the bitterness and hurt that I have felt
I have tried to do my best with all the cards that I was dealt
And keep fighting the enemy that comes from within
And be thankful for the battles that I've managed to win

And even though I know I've fallen short in many ways
I must learn how to accept myself, and hope for better days
Because I'm not doing myself any favors, I'm afraid
By wallowing in all the past mistakes that I have made
I'm just keeping myself locked up in a prison that I've built
Out of excavated memories and survivor's guilt