Article by ReiTenny

Original Title: From the Sad Event of My Favorite Creator’s Suicide to the Chaotic Thoughts of Politics, Nation, Ambition, and Universe [中文CHS: 从我喜爱的创作者自杀的悲伤事件而天马行空地联想到政治、民族、野心、宇宙的混沌思绪]

2023年5月初，我，一个普通的中国大二学生。最近我才发现，我在上大学前关注的一位furry创作者，原来早已去世两年……
In early May 2023, I, an ordinary Chinese sophomore, recently discovered that a furry artist whom I watched before my campus life had been dead for 2 years.

将近6年以前，2017年，上初中二年级时的我喜爱上了furry文化，频繁登录furaffinity网站浏览各种有关furry的美术、文学、音像作品，也关注了许多furry文化创作者。2021年4月的高考前夕，我被一位furry创作者的角色吸引，十分欣赏她的作品。
Nearly 6 years ago, In 2017, I, a student in the second year of junior high school, became to love furry culture and followed many furry culture creators. I usually logged in furaffinity to watch kinds of art, literature, music and video works about furry. In April 2021, the timeline before my examination to university, I was attracted to a character created by a furry artist, and I really adored her artworks.

2021年5月这位创作者因为抑郁症和双相情感障碍自杀了，她的挚友线下为她处理了后事，线上也哀悼纪念她。然而在她去世的那几天，我并不知道她账号前缀的“~”符号变成了“∞”符号所代表的沉重含义。
In May 2021, the creator suicided because of depression and bipolar disorder. Her close friends handled her affairs after she died offline and mourned for her online. However, in the days of her death, I hadn’t known the heavy meaning of the “~” prefix on her furaffinity account name that had changed to “∞” to indicate her passing.

从2021年到2023年，我花了大多数时间看热门作品、喜爱的相关主题作品和关注者的最新动态，偶尔才会重新翻看收藏夹里的作品，因此我渐渐淡忘了她。2023年5月5日，百无聊赖的我翻看收藏夹时找到了她的作品，两年了，她的作品仍旧如此使我产生美好的情绪，我很好奇为什么她这两年都没有更新，带着疑惑我点击了她的账号，进入了她的账户主页……
From 2021 to 2023, I spent most of my time to browse popular artworks, artworks of favorite themes and the latest updates from the artists I followed. Sometimes I would revisit my favorite artworks in my favs. Thus I gradually forgot her. On May 5th, 2023, I found her artworks when I was bored. It had been 2 years that her artworks still made me feel good. I wondered why she hadn’t updated her status these years, then I clicked her account and entered her profile page.

“R.I.P”，醒目的三个字母出现在她的账户主页留言板，也出现在我的眼前。我震惊地站起来，眼神呆滞，目瞪口呆，接着后身一倒重重地撞击身后座椅，瘫在座椅上呆若木鸡地盯着屏幕一分钟。
“R.I.P.” The striking word appeared both on her account page’s message board and in my eyes. I stood up in shock and stun, then fell back on my chair and stared at the screen for 1 minute.

原来她早已经在两年前就死亡了，甚至比我爷爷还早。
Apparently, she died already two years ago, even earlier than my grandfather.

回过神来的我焦急地握住鼠标，眼神盯着屏幕查阅她的留言板。
When I came to my senses, I anxiously grabbed the mouse and read her message board.

“抑郁症、双相情感障碍……自残住院……自杀……”她的挚友在留言板如此说道。
Major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder… Self-harmed and was hospitalized… Died by suicide. Her best friend left a shout saying so.

我大受震撼，点击了她挚友提供的在Twitter上的讣告链接，了解到更多信息。讣告页面里她的挚友们以及同为furry fandom的其他关注者为她写的哀悼词深深触动了我。
I was greatly shocked. I clicked on the obituary link on Twitter to learn more information. In the obituary page, condolences written for her by her close friends and other followers who were also part of the furry fandom deeply touched me.

了解她的死讯之后的几天，我陷入了漫无目的冥想，思维过于跳跃而难以组织语言。渐渐地，委屈、愤怒而又无奈的情绪超越了悲伤，我思考的重心也不再位于她的死这件事身上。
Days after knowing her death, I sank into aimless meditation. My thoughts were too chaotic to organize into words. Gradually, grievous, angry and helpless feelings overwhelmed my sadness. My focus of thinking was no longer on her death.

首先我对逝者表示哀悼，因为我不知道她在自杀前正遭受多大的痛苦，所以不对她自杀个例评头论足。不过在我写这篇文章时，我的内心也在因仇恨和无奈在遭受煎熬，是时候说些令部分人不快的话，是时候发些牢骚了！
First of all, I express my mourning to the deceased. I will not judge or criticize her case of suicide, because I don’t know how much suffering she was enduring before the suicide. However, my heart is also tormented by hatred and helplessness while I am writing this article. It’s time for me to say some words that will upset some people, and it’s time for me to vent.

根据她的自杀前留下的信息，她因为自己的作品、价值和爱好不被一些人认同就这样草率地夺走了自己的生命。客观地从物质生活上分析，身为只有20岁的00后小崽子的我生活质量其实过得比她这样的美国人差，甚至我过得比大多数中国furry爱好者都差。毕竟历史上furry文化是由中国留学生群体带入中国的，留学生群体大部分都是中产以上阶级，在不考虑心理因素的情况下，他们的生活质量岂能是我这种中国西南僻远省份贫困地区所能碰瓷的？若只考虑物质生活这一方面的因素，我觉得像她这样的欧美左派进步人士所遭受的苦难，与我这样多数的中国人所遭受的苦难相比还是太轻了。我想起刘仲敬说过：“每个人终将得到与其德行相匹配的下场”虽然这句话有失偏颇，但如果放大到国家、民族、阶级的宏观层面上还是挺在理的。
According to the information left before her suicide, she hastily took her own life because her works, values and hobbies were not recognized by some people. From an objective analysis of material life, as a 20-year-old post-2000 kid, my quality of life is actually worse than that of Americans like her, and even worse than most Chinese furry lovers. After all, historically, furry culture was brought into China by Chinese students studying abroad. Most of them are middle-class and above. Without considering psychological factors, how can their quality of life be as poor as mine in remote provinces in southwest China? Can the region touch porcelain? If we only consider the factor of material life, I feel that the sufferings of European and American left-wing progressives like her are still too light compared with the sufferings of most Chinese people like me. I think of Liu Zhongjing who said: "Everyone will eventually get an end that matches their virtue." Although this sentence is biased, it is quite reasonable if it is enlarged to the macro level of the country, nation, and class.

与此相比，许多中国无产阶级穷蛆费拉们从小到大受到极权中央、共产党、政府、资本家、地痞流氓甚至看自己不爽的亲人疯狂压迫，活得跟条蛆一样，还不断进行刷新人类下限的底层互斗，还心甘情愿地替官老爷、富哥富姐们负重前行让上层社会继续岁月静好，他妈了个狗屄的我们这些底层奴隶就是贱得没边了，就是我们这群贱畜让你家妈勒个屄的让秦制、内法外儒、商鞅驭民术等毒瘤文化传承至今，搞得中国这片土地成为只剩极权独裁、互屠互害、秩序倒退的文明洼地。
In contrast, many Chinese proletarian poor maggots have been crazily oppressed by the totalitarian central government, the Communist Party, the capitalists, hooligans, and even relatives who hate them. They live like maggots and continue to refresh the bottom line of human morality by beating and entrapping each other. They are willing to carry the burden for the officials, the rich people. Therefore the upper class can continue to live in peace. We bottom Chinese must be mentally retarded to try to be slaves to the upper. Degenerated animals like us should be blamed to let the Qin system, “internal legalism foreign Confucianism”, Shang Yang's art of dominating the people and other evil cultures have been passed down to the modern, making China a land of totalitarians, mutual slaughter and mutual harm, and order regression.

成龙说得好啊，“中国人是需要管的”，极端地说，现在的中国如果没有中国共产党的统治，中国人就会一人一票地投票发动对外战争，打赢了还好说，打输了中国人大不了就换一个皇帝，然后修生养息再对外发动战争。周朝之后，每当中国的旧王朝被推翻之后，新建立的新王朝并没有多少社会制度上的进步，历朝历代的起义最终都以自己当皇帝骑在他人头上为目标，于是重复旧王朝的一切，直至再被推翻，循环往复，所谓“循环于一治一乱而无革命”。
Jackie Chan said it well, "The Chinese need to be controlled." To put it in extreme terms, if China is not under the rule of the Communist Party of China, the Chinese will vote one by one to launch a war to invade other countries. It's okay for Chinese to win, even Chinese lose, they will just change the emperor and rest a while for preparing another war. After the Zhou Dynasty, whenever the old Chinese dynasty was overthrown, the newly established new dynasty did not make much progress in the social system. The whole uprisings of all dynasties eventually aimed at being the emperor and riding on others. So each dynasty of China rises to a political, cultural, and economic peak and then, because of moral corruption, declines, loses the Mandate of Heaven, and falls, only to be replaced by a new dynasty. The cycle then repeats under a surface pattern of repetitive motifs.

极权主义是我们中国人自选的，极权甚至成了一种我们的民族性格。极权肯定有好的一面，但意味着非统治阶级就要承受它带来的一切苦难。可是，当像我这样的占大多数的受极权压迫的中国人还在像条蛆一样被党政官商压迫着的时候，宁愿抛弃自己人格尊严和心理健康而屈辱跪着卑贱地苟活的时候，她这样的发达国家的人却为了追求自己的价值而死，对于我这样大多数底层中国人来说不可理喻。
Totalitarianism is chosen by us Chinese, and totalitarianism has even become a kind of our national character. Totalitarianism certainly has a good side, but it means that the non-ruling class has to bear all the suffering it brings. When we the majority of Chinese oppressed by totalitarianism are still oppressed by the party, government, officials and capitalists, when we would rather abandon their personal dignity and mental health and live in humiliation on our knees. People in developed countries like her died in pursuit of their own values, which is unreasonable for most bottom-level Chinese like me.

我就是刘仲敬所说的“费拉”。“支性”驱使着我这样的底层人为了生存而内耗互害，“支性”塑造了我们自私、崇拜权力、懦弱又邪恶，“支性”让我们变成“严于律人、宽于待己”的人……
I am what Liu Zhongjing called "Fela". "Zhixing"(A collection of sinful personalities) drives Chinese bottoms like me to entrap and kill each other in order to survive. "Zhixing" shapes us to be selfish, worship power, cowardly and evil. “Zhixing” makes us become a people who is strict demands on others but loose demands on oneself.

曾今我还是“民主小清新”人士的时候，只会透过“民主小清新”人士们的分析，思考中国人能否真正走向民主自由，并批判独裁的共产党的错误，同时还认为浪人、屠支大佐这些群体太过于极端。后来我终于醒悟，原来给中国带来苦难的，正是中国人自己，是中国人选出共产党来压迫自己，而不是共产党选择压迫中国人，我终于理解了屠支大佐、包蜜这些群体的真心真意。
When I was a whimsical and simple democrat, I only thought about whether the Chinese people could truly move towards democracy and freedom through the analysis of other democrats. And criticized the mistakes of the dictatorial Communist Party. And think “Lang Ren” , “Tu Zhi Da Zuo” groups are too extreme. Later, I finally realized that it was the Chinese themselves who brought suffering to China. It was the Chinese who elected the Communist Party to oppress themselves, not the Communist Party that chose to oppress the Chinese. I finally understood the sincerity of groups like "Tu Zhi Da Zuo" and "Bao Mi".

即便在现代中国也无时无刻发生着突破人类道德底线的事件，比如在中国最后一年的新冠疫情防控中就发生了不少， 河南郸城先隔离再拘留的政策、郑州银行一群白衣人暴打储户并给外地储户赋红色健康码事件、郑州富士康工人抗议并与防疫人员互殴事件、贵州疫情转运大巴车毁人亡事件、 新疆乌鲁木齐大火封锁居民楼事件、江西防疫人员私闯民宅抓人隔离打死宠物事件、滞留来疆来琼旅游的游客以促进当地就业的政策、给郑州烂尾楼楼主赋红码事件等等。三年疫情，本人已麻。
Even in modern China, there are incidents that break through the bottom line of human morality all the time. For example, in the last year of the new crown epidemic prevention and control in China, there were many incidents. A group of people in white clothes beat up depositors outside the bank of Zhengzhou and gave red health codes to foreign depositors. Zhengzhou Foxconn workers protesting and fighting with epidemic prevention personnel. Guizhou epidemic transfer bus crash and death. Xinjiang Urumqi fire blockade of residential buildings. Jiangxi epidemic prevention personnel broke into private houses, arrested people and killed their pets. The policy of stranded tourists who come to Xinjiang to travel to Hainan to promote local employment. The incident of giving red codes to landlords of the unfinished buildings in Zhengzhou. There are too many things like these. After three years of the epidemic, I'm indifferent to such incidents.

民族、政治上的事我多说无益，发泄戾气虽然对我身心有益，使我心情得以放松，但是这并不能从根本上改变历史的进程。有时我很庆幸自己，即便我出生较为贫困，但亲人都待我很好，我的心理得以独立地成长，培养出冷静客观分析世间百态、总结过往经历的良好品性，不过于浮躁地追求功名利禄，多角度辩证地思考事情。所以，是时候轮到我再次冥想和反思自身的时候了。
I don’t want to talk too much about ethnic and political issues. Although venting my anger makes me feel better and relaxed, it doesn’t really change the progress of history. Sometimes I feel lucky that I have a good family who loves me, even though I was born in poverty. They helped me develop a calm and objective mind that can analyze the world, learn from the past, and not be too eager for fame and fortune. They also taught me to think critically and dialectically from different perspectives. So, it’s time for me to meditate and reflect on myself again.

一直以来，我都有一个梦想，或者说是野心，我想要在人世间留下证明我风光来过的痕迹，我想要在我能够理智活着的年轻岁月里，创作出旷世杰作，得到一批追随者，结识志同道合的人，与知心朋友朝夕相处……
I have always had a dream, or rather an ambition, to leave a mark in the world that proves my glorious existence. I want to create a masterpiece in my young years when I can live rationally, to gain a group of followers, to meet like-minded people, to spend time with close friends…

回顾从小到大与死亡相关的事中，莫过于听闻他人死讯、参加他人葬礼酒席了。一道白光在我眼前闪过，眼前飞扬着一个个鲜红的遗容，有我熟悉、有我不熟悉的、有和我朝夕相处的、有只在报纸电视网络了解的、有我爱的人、有我恨的人……果然，人生短暂。
Looking back on the things related to death from childhood to adulthood, nothing more than hearing the news of others’ deaths and attending their funeral banquets. A white light flashed before my eyes, and I saw a lot of bright faces flying in front of me, some I knew, some I didn’t, some I spent day and night with, some I only learned from newspapers, TV and the internet, some I loved, some I hated… Indeed, life is short.

我坚信宇宙结局热寂说，不久的将来人类会灭亡，同样地球、太阳系、银河系、本星系群、室女座星系团、拉尼亚凯亚超星系团也迟早会灭亡。熵增，整个宇宙的秩序在慢慢崩坏，混乱度在慢慢增加，目前我们宇宙所处的阶段是加速膨胀阶段，宇宙正以超过光速的速度在不断扩张，并且扩张速度还在不断加快：
I firmly believe in the heat death of the universe, and that humans will soon perish, as will the Earth, the solar system, the Milky Way, the Local Group, the Virgo Cluster, and the Laniakea Supercluster. Entropy increases, the order of the entire universe is slowly collapsing, and the degree of chaos is slowly increasing. The current stage of our universe is the accelerated expansion stage, where the universe is expanding at a speed faster than light, and the expansion speed is still accelerating:

未来几百年内，人类可能会面临气候变化、核战争、生物灾难、人工智能、外星生命等挑战和机遇，但也有可能实现星际殖民、基因工程、意识上传等技术突破。
In the next few hundred years, humans may face challenges and opportunities such as climate change, nuclear war, biological disaster, artificial intelligence, alien life, etc., but they may also achieve technological breakthroughs such as interstellar colonization, genetic engineering, consciousness uploading, etc.

几千年后，人类文明可能会发展成为一个银河系级的超级文明，或者衰落成为一个孤立的行星文明，或者灭绝成为一个遗迹文明。
Thousands of years later, human civilization may develop into a galactic-level super civilization, or decline into an isolated planetary civilization, or perish into a relic civilization.

几十亿年后，太阳将逐渐膨胀成为一个红巨星，吞噬水星和金星，并且威胁地球的生存。地球可能会被火焰吞没，或者被潮汐力撕裂，或者被火星撞击。太阳最终将变成一个白矮星，而太阳系将变成一个黑暗寒冷的地方。
Billions of years later, the sun will gradually expand into a red giant, swallowing Mercury and Venus, and threatening the survival of Earth. Earth may be engulfed by flames, or torn apart by tidal forces, or hit by Mars. The sun will eventually become a white dwarf, and the solar system will become a dark and cold place.

几万亿年后，宇宙将进入恒星时代，恒星的形成和死亡将成为宇宙中最主要的事件。恒星将以不同的方式结束它们的生命，形成白矮星、中子星、黑洞等天体。一些稀有的现象，如超新星爆发、伽玛射线暴、恒星碰撞等，将为宇宙带来一些光芒。
Trillions of years later, the universe will enter the stellar era, where the formation and death of stars will be the main events in the universe. Stars will end their lives in different ways, forming celestial bodies such as white dwarfs, neutron stars, black holes, etc. Some rare phenomena, such as supernova explosions, gamma-ray bursts, stellar collisions, etc., will bring some light to the universe.

几百万亿年后，宇宙将进入简并时代，恒星的形成将停止，而宇宙中只剩下恒星的残骸和黑洞。由于宇宙加速膨胀，其他星系将逐渐消失在我们的视野之外，而我们所在的银河系将与仙女座星系合并成为一个巨大的椭圆星系。一些低质量的恒星残骸将因为质子衰变而消失，而一些高质量的恒星残骸将因为引力波辐射而逃离银河系。
Quadrillions of years later, the universe will enter the degenerate era, where star formation will stop, and only the remnants of stars and black holes will remain in the universe. Due to the accelerated expansion of the universe, other galaxies will gradually disappear from our sight, and our Milky Way will merge with Andromeda to form a giant elliptical galaxy. Some low-mass star remnants will disappear due to proton decay, while some high-mass star remnants will escape from the galaxy due to gravitational wave radiation.

10^40年后，宇宙将进入黑洞时代，黑洞将成为宇宙中唯一的天体。黑洞之间可能会相互吞噬或合并，形成更大的黑洞。黑洞也会因为霍金辐射而缓慢蒸发，释放出一些高能的粒子和辐射。这些粒子和辐射将成为宇宙中最后的光源，直到所有的黑洞都蒸发完毕为止。
After 10^40 years, the universe will enter the black hole era, where black holes will be the only celestial bodies in the universe. Black holes may devour or merge with each other, forming larger black holes. Black holes will also evaporate slowly due to Hawking radiation, releasing some high-energy particles and radiation. These particles and radiation will be the last light sources in the universe, until all black holes evaporate completely.

10^100年后，宇宙将进入黑暗时代，所有的黑洞都已经蒸发完毕，宇宙中只剩下一些极低能量的光子、中微子、电子和正电子等亚原子粒子。这些粒子之间几乎没有任何相互作用，也不会发生什么有意义的事件。宇宙将趋向于热寂状态，温度无限接近绝对零度，熵值达到最大。
After 10^100 years, the universe will enter the dark era, where all black holes have evaporated completely, and only some subatomic particles such as photons, neutrinos, electrons and positrons with extremely low energy remain in the universe. These particles have almost no interaction with each other, and nothing meaningful will happen. The universe will tend to a state of heat death, where the temperature is infinitely close to absolute zero, and the entropy value reaches its maximum.

10^1000年后，宇宙将进入最低能量状态，也就是热寂状态。这时，宇宙中的所有物质都已经衰变为光子和轻子，而且这些粒子之间也没有任何相互作用。宇宙已经死亡，或者说，连死亡都已经消逝。
After 10^1000 years, the universe will enter the lowest energy state, which is the state of heat death. At this time, all matter in the universe has decayed into photons and leptons, and these particles have no interaction with each other. The universe is dead, or rather, even death has vanished.

随着宇宙终焉的到来，所有的信息和秩序都消失在无尽的时间里。我们人类所做的一切，在宇宙最后一刻都将化为乌有。无论是功成名就的英雄，还是臭名昭著的恶棍，无论是默默无闻的平民，还是千古流芳的圣贤，他们最终都将归于虚无，没有任何区别。这让我感到深深的绝望和悲哀，让我开始怀疑一切的价值和意义。人生为何而生？生命为何而存？物质为何而变？宇宙为何而在？这些问题在我的脑海中回荡，却没有任何答案。
With the coming of the end of the universe, all information and order disappear in the endless time. Everything we humans do will turn into nothing at the last moment of the universe. Whether it is a hero who has achieved fame and fortune, or a notorious villain, whether it is an obscure commoner, or a sage who has been praised for thousands of years, they will eventually return to nothingness, without any difference. This makes me feel deep despair and sorrow, and makes me start to doubt the value and meaning of everything. Why do people live? Why does life exist? Why does matter change? Why does the universe exist? These questions echo in my mind, but there is no answer.