Kile, listen to your gut. You can always rewrite something later.

Though, it is not bad. The story is there.

Bold your time changes as they are artificial transitions. No need for ().

“Why does god hate me?!” (Pick ? or ! not both)

(30 minutes later). Remember to spell out numbers out.
Thirty minutes later

Alright, I know you are trying to keep the commas under control and are doing a better job at it.
However, let us see if we can get you set up with tags again.
If someone is doing the act of talking use a comma.

“I hope so” Ashley said.
“I hope so,” Ashley said.
That's it. If someone is talking slam a comma where the talking ends.


“Bat stew” Nick smirked at her and tried his best not to laugh.
“Bat stew,” Nick smirked at her and tried his best not to laugh.

“canned beans, take it or leave it” Nick replied
“canned beans, take it or leave it,” Nick replied

“Please, I’ll pay you, I have twenty caps” Mark tried his best to sound confident
“Please, I’ll pay you, I have twenty caps,” Mark tried his best to sound confident

That it, you just stick the comma there.

IF nobody is doing the act of talking. Use a period.


Things get a bit tricky if dialogue comes later in a sentence. Some times you put the comma after, but most of the time its a brand new sentence.
Nick looked down for a second then back up at Mark “What happened to her? If you don’t mind me asking.”
Nick looked down for a second then back up at Mark. “What happened to her? If you don’t mind me asking.”

Mark slumped his shoulders. “Ok you wanna know the truth?” Nick didn’t respond, he just sat there staring into Mark’s eyes blankly.“

I hope that helps better.

It’s a very good start to a fun adventure… just remember to add in some twists and turns.

Vix

Writing stories is very challenging but the end results are always worth it.

This chapter takes place on February 17 2091 and yes this is a different Nick, but he is friends with Nick Valentine.