As we rolled into December, I was starting to worry that I didn’t have a clear theme for this year. It’s not like nothing has happened, either. I finished my masters degree back during summer and have now experienced unemployment for the last half year.

But what I would like to talk about is an interesting nightmare that I had in the middle of December:

It all seemed like a normal morning at first: I got up, ate breakfast, got ready and went out for a morning walk (or at least I assumed that I did, as nothing felt out of the ordinary at that point).

However, suddenly, as I was getting groceries at the supermarket during my morning walk, I felt weirdly tired and hungry. Which seemed off to me during that time of the day. It made me wonder what the time was, so I pulled my phone out from my pocket and looked at it...

Only to see that it was 2am. And I panicked!

It was supposed to still be early in the day, not so far past bedtime! Yet the whole day had just vanished from me without me realising it. And that realisation brought upon me a genuine sense of stress that broke me. I couldn’t believe that the day was gone like that, and I found myself falling onto the floor, at the verge of crying out loud in a mixture of confusion and stress when I finally woke up from it.

I’m sure that it is going to sound weird and nonsensical to most of you. But it has to be one of if not the most meaningful dream that I ever had. For you see, what happened in that dream has really only been an extreme version of what had been happening every day for me: I would waste my time from early morning, resulting in my day *disappearing* right in front of my eyes. And that nightmare was my unconsciousness showing me what was really happening.

Case in point, the day that I woke up after that nightmare, I still did the usual habit of wasting my time, and before I knew it, it was already lunch, and then it was suddenly 4pm before I finally began to do anything at all.

But throughout all of that day, all I could think as I witnessed my nightmare happening in reality, was “this has to stop...”

It has to stop...

It just has to stop...

And like the nightmare, my day had vanished. And that made me realise that every day of my life up to this point has essentially been a nightmare, and that I cannot keep up like this. It was a rude awakening to how I was fucking myself over, and a call to action to stop it.

The timing of the nightmare was also quite curious to me.

As I went on with my job search this year, I was enrolled into a workshop that took place over some of the last few months. And during this workshop, I realised that I had forgotten what my goal career-wise was.

Was it the need to find a job, or perhaps even from during my time in university where I just wanted to slip into an easy to take role during group projects? But sometime in the past, it seemed that I had started to tell myself this lie that I wanted to only do one type of job as a game developer.

However, I recently remembered that that wasn’t all I wanted. I have, and still do, dream of being in a higher position of a development team: I want to become something like a game director or the like. And that I need to focus my job search in terms of that, with that end goal in mind.

And while I feel that this realisation has been a great benefit to my job search so far. Another, quite unexpected area that it seemingly has benefitted for me is in my other hobbies. In the last month or so, I have been drawing so much more than I have usually been doing. I even managed to make a whole piece with lineart and shading and everything throughout a couple of weeks during just this month! Usually I would spend a month if not longer on a coloured sketch.

Cause now I understand why I draw. Because I enjoy the complexity and challenge of it. ‘Cause I now know that I am ultimately an artist, and drawing tickles my creative bone. So there are no longer any doubts about whether or not it is worth my time.

Of course it is.

And all of that was only possible because I had been honest with myself, and in that honesty I found the truth about what I want with my life; my ideals.

So I started to be more truthful with myself, and then, not long after I started doing that, I suddenly had this nightmare. Such timing was just quite striking.

Perhaps in response to my own honesty, my own unconsciousness had decided to follow suit? Perhaps another advantage to being honest is that I discover the unpleasant but important truths about my situation and what needs to be done about it?

Therefore, moving forward; I will focus on using the most of my time, and treat it as a precious and valuable resource that should not be wasted. Along with this, I wish to be as truthful as I can be, and learn to share my honest truths, ideals, beliefs, and feelings with not only myself but those around me as well.


...I had quite a bit to ramble on about for this year, huh...

But with all that said, happy new year to ya all~! <3