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Today I visited a grave of a little girl who died just after her first birthday in 1867. It stands in the middle of a section of bush near to where the family's homestead would have been. I was inspired to write this piece of drivel. It's definitely not one of my best pieces of writing, but I had to get it out.
There's something about old graves that's appealing; modern ones are too 'new', but old ones, such as this one, would probably tell a story, if only we could find it. I've know idea what the girl died of; she was one of eight daughters to her father, and it's possible that a common childhood disease carried her off.
There's something about old graves that's appealing; modern ones are too 'new', but old ones, such as this one, would probably tell a story, if only we could find it. I've know idea what the girl died of; she was one of eight daughters to her father, and it's possible that a common childhood disease carried her off.
Category Story / All
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Size 110 x 120px
File Size 5.7 kB
Listed in Folders
As per my promise of critiques, here it is. And I realised it was not your best work and probably rushed when I noticed how much stuff I could talk about. Not sure if you actually want critique for this, but... here it is anyways?
"Thought she was a shade of what she was so many decades ago"
Thought should be though
"stumbling now and then as she stepped into a hole or tripped on rambling vines"
I actually have a slight issue with this bit simply because you describe her as walking through the fence and drifting along and yet she's tripping over holes and vines? The drifting can be metaphorical, but the walking through the fence is less so. It just made me double take was all.
In terms of the description of the old house, it's nice that you paid attention to it, but at the same time I expected more. A sort of compare and contrast between what is and what was before she's forced to turn away. I can understand your logic for keeping it short though as it's not central to the piece. However, I just feel like it would have been a very good place to flesh out the character some more.
"some one hundred and sixty years later"
I actually would have prefered you kept this out. The height difference in the tree is a good indicator of time while retaining a timeless or at least slow moving feeling. By putting in the number it felt... awkward. This is more an opinion than anything else, so feel free to ignore.
"pouring out more of her lunar love to caress her face"
I know what you're saying there, but you might want to revise it so the last "her" is "the little girl" to make it more obvious.
"Thought she was a shade of what she was so many decades ago"
Thought should be though
"stumbling now and then as she stepped into a hole or tripped on rambling vines"
I actually have a slight issue with this bit simply because you describe her as walking through the fence and drifting along and yet she's tripping over holes and vines? The drifting can be metaphorical, but the walking through the fence is less so. It just made me double take was all.
In terms of the description of the old house, it's nice that you paid attention to it, but at the same time I expected more. A sort of compare and contrast between what is and what was before she's forced to turn away. I can understand your logic for keeping it short though as it's not central to the piece. However, I just feel like it would have been a very good place to flesh out the character some more.
"some one hundred and sixty years later"
I actually would have prefered you kept this out. The height difference in the tree is a good indicator of time while retaining a timeless or at least slow moving feeling. By putting in the number it felt... awkward. This is more an opinion than anything else, so feel free to ignore.
"pouring out more of her lunar love to caress her face"
I know what you're saying there, but you might want to revise it so the last "her" is "the little girl" to make it more obvious.
1. Noted.
2. It was late when I wrote this, so looking back on it now it really doesn't make much sense, does it? :p I'll fix it.
3. I'm not particularly familiar with 160yo houses, so I have little idea of what such a house (here in NZ, anyway) might have or look like.
4. Good point. I've always been a numbers person, though, and I like to know exactly how much time has passed.
5. Will fix.
Thanks for the critique. It's good to get some constructive feedback for once.
2. It was late when I wrote this, so looking back on it now it really doesn't make much sense, does it? :p I'll fix it.
3. I'm not particularly familiar with 160yo houses, so I have little idea of what such a house (here in NZ, anyway) might have or look like.
4. Good point. I've always been a numbers person, though, and I like to know exactly how much time has passed.
5. Will fix.
Thanks for the critique. It's good to get some constructive feedback for once.
I actually liked the split between the girl walking through the fence, but having weight enough to trip and stumble as well as making the sand crunch. i really like the imagery and feelings expressed in this, and I can identify in some ways..
I wrote a story.. a little like this, relating to the emotions only though, but I lost it. I don't think I can rewrite it, I'd get it wrong.
You did a great job, and its nicely done, Thanks for posting it. :)
I wrote a story.. a little like this, relating to the emotions only though, but I lost it. I don't think I can rewrite it, I'd get it wrong.
You did a great job, and its nicely done, Thanks for posting it. :)
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