The greatest gift you'll ever learn
is just to love
and be loved in return

Watching Moulin Rouge tonight (on...Thanksgiving, strangely) and it had me in a melancholy (or melancollie) mood.

I don't hash out on my past often, which was brought to my attention a few days ago by a friend. I don't like to do this only because I feel it has a time and place and anytime in my gallery is not it. Lord knows I already bitch and moan to my friends enough privately- those that are associated with this place don't need to see it either. I try to maintain a level of delusion here and rightfully so- this is a place for that and for people to escape and not remember anymore their limitations as a human being.
I guess tonight I just needed this.

I remembered a young woman I loved tonight. I fell for her the instant I saw her way back when in high school. We locked eyes and I could never forget. She was blissfully sweet and unconditionally kind. Never a vulgar word dropped from her lips except the occasional purge of frustration which was incredibly rare. She was talented, athletic, and considered me her best friend.
I joined the swim team only to take advantage of the fact we'd spend more time with one another- driving there, actually swimming, participating in meets...(the showers...>>) and that was like a slice of heaven. We would sing together as her sister drove us to band practice- songs of beauty and nature but she never knew I was directing those poetic sonnets towards her.
On the bus to march at games, she'd make sure to sit by me every time and I distinctly will never forget when she fell asleep trusting me enough to lay her head on my shoulder the entire way back from a late concert. That night I went home with a stiff right side after an hour's drive but it was worth it.
It was funny- everyone else had their suspicions I was madly in love with her except she herself and that was the killer.
She graduated, moved on to college and moved on from our relationship.
After seven years of her being away, occasionally visiting her on campus here and there, I finally mustered the courage to let her know how I felt. With a shaky hand and trembling heart, I confessed the words of my deepest soul...and was expectantly denied.
I thought it would provide me closure to move on to bigger and better things...but I suppose it never really did.
She was with a man for a long time. A man that only tickled her funny bone but never touched her at her softest level. I spent the night with her once visiting her college and she and he broke out into a fight, afterward she vented to me about it then asked me to come to bed with her.
It was completely harmless- she was only seeking company- but it was my dream come true and the entire night...I laid as stiff as a board and quickly moving away every time she'd try to curl up...my biggest most fulfilled dream is also my deepest regret...I was trying to be polite and not take advantage of her...but I was given a chance and blew it.

I think back on her now- wondering how she is, who she's with or what she's up to. I've written my fair share of stories, poems and confessions that she will never lay eyes upon. She's done with that man in her life and I wish I could muster the courage to ask her again...to tell her the love I still feel.

I just want to sing to someone and make them feel like the only woman in the world, I want to draw, sculpt and paint her image into anything I can get my paws on to display her angelic form to the masses, I want to lay with her silently and drink in her scent and slumbered breathing...that's all I want..

But it can and will never be, I feel.

Well, here you go. The mush. I hope it was worth it.