Trying to keep up this mask, armour and all these walls around me is exhausting. ~

At the end, i'm still curled up with sore eyes and a need to escape this life. There's no off-ramp, reset button, nothing. I'm struggling to fight back an overload, a barrage of mental shit and i've realised in the cruellest way possible - i'm never going to heal. I can't be consoled by anyone, anything and i've lost all passion and drive to pursue my hobbies. The more I try to fix myself with Therapy, the more Trauma gets unearthed and then ends up eating away at me as the pain surfaces like a high tide. I can't keep fighting, showing weakness or vulnerability has ALWAYS been frowned upon and punished growing up. I never learned to cry properly, so I hyperventilate and feel sick and can't even sort my eyes or face out. Showing any form of emotion was punished, treated as alien and never understood by my parents. I had to hide this 'weakness' and cover it with anger, which in turn got me in more trouble. I can't regulate emotions, I can't feel any positive emotions or even show the good sides of my personality unless i'm self deprecating through dark humour and aggressive behaviour. I can't feel love, I can't feel excited, I feel like i'm a mutant, a freak that can't understand things so common in other people. I get uncomfortable around people showing affection. I can't hug or show people I care unless I push through it with all my fucking strength - going against everything I know. These aren't excuses for my bad behaviour, I just needed to let this out and hopefully you can understand why I am the way I am. Even with the bullying through school from a young age, it must be because of how alien and freak I seemed to them. I never let anything show it got to me, but a lot of it was heinous and incredibly cruel. I was never allowed to have my own identity, sexuality or express myself as masculine - as it was punished not just by students, but by teachers and this fucking shit called religion.

I've got a lot of damage to heal, but i'm running out of time and with more unearthed issues coming to the front i'm struggling to be a better person.

Maybe I am just fighting a losing battle and I deserve all the pain thrown at me.

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Thrasher (C)

Art (C)