summer fur yee

the last day of Pyrkon made me realize how bad I was feeling with the fact that some people still see me as a woman
most of them still use feminine pronouns when they see me for the first time

I am aware that it bothers me - or at least that I feel so much better when people call me with masculine/neutral pronouns and choose them when I say that I use all of them
or when they use typically masculine/neutral terms for me
all feminine terms are simply painful for me, because they remind me of what I cannot hide

maybe it all wouldn't bother me if I knew that the truth is different
if I had known that I am at least mostly masculine (not only in my head but physically)
then I would know the truth and if someone said "she" anyway, it would hurt a little less, or I would ignore it at all

but now? people who call me feminine pronouns just remind me that I won't skip my nature
that I may never accept myself
no matter what I do, their truth will always be the same and I won't be able to create my own "truth", the new "truth" which they could see

if it only was occasional
if those who know me did it by accident or in a smaller number of cases, it would not bother me at all
I'm still non-binary, so if I hear this pronoun sometimes, nothing will happen
but now I hear it in at least half of cases or more
it's too much

I was using all pronouns everywhere so far
on fursonas' refs, on social media, when introducing myself
because I really don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable around me
so I give everyone a choice
I say that I prefer he/him, but if someone wants to use she/her, that was "ok"
I pretend it's no problem because I'm afraid of not being accepted

I am still afraid that I should simply atone for all my problems, disorders and mistakes, at least by making it easier for others to live with me
I try very hard to feel okay with it, to somehow survive those moments when I feel triggered
to think that I am doing it for the greater good

but I don't feel better at all
I still hate myself
despite the changes that I have already managed to do, it's still not enough
still a lot of things remind me "you will never be yourself"
it destroys motivation to live
because why live when you cannot be yourself, with people you love, like or respect? nonsense

that's enough
I'm changing my pronouns everywhere - on refs, socials, when introducing myself to new people
maybe I will even be brave enough to use them with people who are used to my version from the past

I know that fighting the force of habit is hard, and I don't require instant changes
I know it takes times
and I'm very patient when I know that there's something I'm waiting for
that these people will at least try to treat me the way I feel better
that'll be perfectly enough

+ I completely resign from the official use of the name Tayga (pain, because on some pages it's impossible to change the nickname, uhhhhh)
because it sounds feminine with the "a" on the end, which is typical for Polish female names
and it also reminds me of my past - Tayga was created when I tried the most in my life to force myself to accept what I hate about myself

now it is Tay
now it is he/they

thanks for coming to my ted talk

theme: youtu.be/tilsrO-3gcQ

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art by me
oc belong to me