Combination Vent and Organizing Thoughts ramble incoming...

I love what I do- being able to make art and content in any capacity, and put food on the table is very fulfilling work. But, I've felt so stuck lately. And I know that I'm being unfair to myself. It's hard to keep up a mental and physical and emotional health lifestyle this past few years. And I hold myself to unrealistic standards when it comes to making things- either not giving any greater ambition just churning out horny doodles, or trying to perfect something that's much too big to be practical for a single person to make.

I'm probably burnt out. But like most burnout situations, I don't have the resources or support system to just- stop.

There are so many ideas in my head. From the fetish content that made my work known at all, to more niche and specific kinks that appeal to me directly, to entirely different genres of story telling like horror and mystery, and other safe for work projects I've even considered pursuing and leaving NSFW content entirely. But none of these ideas... I can't pursue them for some reason. I get momentary bursts of inspiration, before I crash and burn all over again.

I don't want to promise anything, I don't want to disappoint people by attempting something that can't be completed again. Airy Shamans was one of my most popular projects, and it's supported me through years of work- but I never finished it. That stings, it burns, it's a huge blow to both the feeling of accomplishment for everything that followed. And a constant reminder to myself, to not start anything I don't think I can finish.

I don't pursue my biggest ideas, because I'm just one person. I can't devote potentially years, to something that might completely destroy me to strive for. But I'm also ambitious, too ambitious. I don't want to just make- the same pornographic content over and over and over, I want it to be meatier, more interesting, more investing. I want porn, dating sims, and stories that are exciting on their own.

There's an entire spectrum of themes and stories I want to work with, but they don't- mesh well in my head. How could anything I make manage to be just mundane romance, light classic erotica, bizarre hardcore fetishism, bloody horror, and unsettlingly dark content? How can I work with slice of life mundane settings, supernatural hauntings, sci-fi dystopias, and fantastical period pieces if I can't choose one?

I get overwhelmed.

I know what I need to do. And I believe I can do it. I know how to write, I love to draw, I brute forced my way to learn very basic programming. Hell- anytime I don't know how to do something I take it as a challenge. And I can imagine, all kinds of games, and visual novels, and dating sims, and fetish stories I wish exist. Stuff I'd want to play and I'm sure others would too. But it doesn't matter if I can't *make it.*

Sometimes it feels like I've forgotten how to get invested in my own characters, in my own ideas. Or maybe that only feels that way to *me* because I'm so critical of myself. Do they not interest me because they're boring, or just because *I* made them? Do I view my own work so poorly? Certainly feels like it sometimes.

There's so much on the tip of my tongue, ideas at the forefront of my mind, images and sequences. Just barely held back by something.

Am I afraid of disappointing people or myself? Am I afraid of committing to a single idea and not being able to do all of them? But I'd get more ideas done if I just visited them all one at a time, instead of cramming them all into a single concept. Do my ideas feel regurgitated to me cause they actually are, or just because I know the step by step process to making them?

I know that I've got a lot of support. Friends and fans, who've helped me and are excited for almost everything I can manage to pull together these days. Their support and love gets me so excited. But for as many sparks as others can help give me, I don't have the energy to keep up the personal discipline.

Creating longer works isn't just a matter of getting inspired. It's about diligence. Getting up every day and adding to it until it's complete. Not until it's perfect, but until it's done.

I want to do everything, and end up doing nothing.

I'm hoping I can eventually pick an idea that I'll commit to entirely soon. So I can get this all moving again and keep building to bigger and more exciting things.

Hopefully.