it was already mentioned in #9, but this description will be more detailed

I get the feeling that most of my fear is because I don't know some things
I'm not saying that I'd like to know literally everything
because I don't want this
not-knowing something in some matters is nothing wrong, some surprises are nice, pleasant
I also wouldn't like to know when I'll die or what disorders/illnesses i'll get

but I'd like to be sure that my happiness is real and achievable
that I'll always be able to do what I love, and that my actions are meaningful, they bring me closer to this happiness
I'd like to know that the people and things which are important to me, will actually be always present in my life and will enable me to achieve this happiness

however, I don't know this
and I guess I'll never know
no matter what people tell me, whether something is more likely to come true or not
it doesn't matter in the end, because no one can give me such things as "full certainty"
no one can use the word "always"
you can at best say "I'll be here while I'm alive", "I'll be here while I'm able to be"
and if someone will die? if someone will not be able to be there because of anything that is beyond their influence? yeah
therefore saying "I'll be here forever" is actually a lie

and I can't believe something like that
I can't say that to anyone
I can only do what I mentioned above
I'll be here as long as I can
I'll be here as long as I'm present in this world
I'll be here as long as I see it makes sense, as long as I believe that it'll give something positive to me and the other person
but I won't be here forever

my infinity is cut
because infinity doesn't exist in the context of human life, which is a line-segment, not a line, that has no beginning and no end
it's not an endless ribbon that loops forever
unless someone believes in a soul construct or reincarnation, but unfortunately belief is not knowledge
these are two different things

and I don't believe in such things
I have a problem with this word (faith) and how it's defined in relation to different things
because I'd like to believe
sometimes I use that phrase "I believe in you"
maybe because of a habit or because I'm hiding me real interpretation of this which is "I don't believe in you, although I'd like to"

in the end I don't believe in anything
I don't deny anything either
pure agnosticism
which is at the same time (in my opinion) the most rational approach to the world, but also quite painful when you need this faith

when you need belief in anything
when you need at least one thing in your life to be certain

even death isn't certain
you don't know what is happening after it and whether you're really "dying" or maybe only your physical body is

we don't know anything

theme: https://youtu.be/k58LRJ3tIdg?list=P.....KXMiThECFikMK8 (I wanted to use this song for a long time too)

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art by me
oc belong to me
challenge - https://www.instagram.com/p/CTqgnJ2ITW9/