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Artwork (Digital) / Human
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More from Grit-Careless
Let everyone see, why not, I'm not gonna scrap this.
I thought about cropping such a ridiculously large image size, but that wouldn't illustrate the point, would it? Feeling small and helpless against a huge dark void? We all know the feeling, backed into the corner of our own room, the cold wall the only thing offering support.
I dunno, when you IM me, sometimes I guess I'm not that okay. Sometimes a friend hasn't bothered talking to me or I've scared my mom again and I'm feeling staggering guilt once more, since she unjustly blames herself for not raising me right. It's not like that, Mom, I keep telling you that. Perhaps I'm hit once more by the feeling that I'll never be the right gender, or I won't ever want to touch another human in that way, or I'm stupidly upset that I've never had the "courage" or "strength", as some ill ones describe it, to act out on self-harm or anorexia or even suicide, sometimes. Like I've come out better in the long run, but only because I was too cowardly to act upon the one thing I truly wanted at the time.
This was sadly one of the easiest things to draw in a long time, like it's been waiting to come out. I guess it has. I don't know what it is about me. Maybe I should be worried. Maybe I should punish myself for giving myself so much free time for so much darkness to fester. My life now centers around the happiness of my friends, and it's distancing some of them from me. I know it. I'm so scared of being left, and that ever-ironic complex is probably playing against me now. No, don't worry, I know a lot of you aren't the case. In fact, I've been ignoring some of you... which is disgusting. I'm disgusting. I hate myself sometimes. In case you couldn't tell.
Friends aren't the only thing I'm worried about, though. I'm so caught up worrying about the future. I worry about the Earth in general, and for many years before I finally got a hold of enough scientific facts to prove against it, I was convinced the sun was going to supernova any moment. Every day. For years. I never told anyone except a very select few about this because it was such a stupid phobia. Now it's moved on to this supposed 2012 theory. I know it's bullshit, I just know, but part of me knows it's going to come true. Having a conspirator and paranoid schizophrenic as a brother helps none, because my younger sibling instinct, I guess, tricks me into believing him. Something does. Every time. The meds aren't working. Marijuana helps me cope a lot, as it does for him, but I've been told I'm a completely different person on it. It can't be that I go through monthly phases of attitudes or personalities, though. Regardless, I hoped my promise to stay off it would help. It... didn't. I am left with my fears again, a failing medicine, and a friend I fear I am losing. I'll still stay off of it, but promising to stay off of two stress relievers (the other I shall not mention, but it's not a drug) that I have just discovered is... well, it's hard. It's hard being a happy, carefree friend. It's hard being a nice goth. It's hard dealing with inner turmoil, and it's hard knowing I disappoint the ones I love most on a regular basis.
I'm sorry for making you all worry. I'll be fine. I'll be alright.
I thought about cropping such a ridiculously large image size, but that wouldn't illustrate the point, would it? Feeling small and helpless against a huge dark void? We all know the feeling, backed into the corner of our own room, the cold wall the only thing offering support.
I dunno, when you IM me, sometimes I guess I'm not that okay. Sometimes a friend hasn't bothered talking to me or I've scared my mom again and I'm feeling staggering guilt once more, since she unjustly blames herself for not raising me right. It's not like that, Mom, I keep telling you that. Perhaps I'm hit once more by the feeling that I'll never be the right gender, or I won't ever want to touch another human in that way, or I'm stupidly upset that I've never had the "courage" or "strength", as some ill ones describe it, to act out on self-harm or anorexia or even suicide, sometimes. Like I've come out better in the long run, but only because I was too cowardly to act upon the one thing I truly wanted at the time.
This was sadly one of the easiest things to draw in a long time, like it's been waiting to come out. I guess it has. I don't know what it is about me. Maybe I should be worried. Maybe I should punish myself for giving myself so much free time for so much darkness to fester. My life now centers around the happiness of my friends, and it's distancing some of them from me. I know it. I'm so scared of being left, and that ever-ironic complex is probably playing against me now. No, don't worry, I know a lot of you aren't the case. In fact, I've been ignoring some of you... which is disgusting. I'm disgusting. I hate myself sometimes. In case you couldn't tell.
Friends aren't the only thing I'm worried about, though. I'm so caught up worrying about the future. I worry about the Earth in general, and for many years before I finally got a hold of enough scientific facts to prove against it, I was convinced the sun was going to supernova any moment. Every day. For years. I never told anyone except a very select few about this because it was such a stupid phobia. Now it's moved on to this supposed 2012 theory. I know it's bullshit, I just know, but part of me knows it's going to come true. Having a conspirator and paranoid schizophrenic as a brother helps none, because my younger sibling instinct, I guess, tricks me into believing him. Something does. Every time. The meds aren't working. Marijuana helps me cope a lot, as it does for him, but I've been told I'm a completely different person on it. It can't be that I go through monthly phases of attitudes or personalities, though. Regardless, I hoped my promise to stay off it would help. It... didn't. I am left with my fears again, a failing medicine, and a friend I fear I am losing. I'll still stay off of it, but promising to stay off of two stress relievers (the other I shall not mention, but it's not a drug) that I have just discovered is... well, it's hard. It's hard being a happy, carefree friend. It's hard being a nice goth. It's hard dealing with inner turmoil, and it's hard knowing I disappoint the ones I love most on a regular basis.
I'm sorry for making you all worry. I'll be fine. I'll be alright.
Category Artwork (Digital) / Human
Species Mammal (Other)
Size 900 x 1000px
File Size 1.31 MB
-hugs- My mum does the same thing. Not as much these days, but I think that has something to do with reassuring her she isn't a bad parent and that I love her and she did a great job and letting her know as big an influence as she was, not everything that's ever happened to effect my growth as a person had to do with her. Which is the best advice I can give you on that, keep doing it, honestly -- I think most loving parents blame themselves when there kids are in a bad state. It's because they care so much.
Also, whoever told you it's courageous and strong to harm yourself...yeah, don't listen to that kind of advice. It's not. It's just an animalistic childlike coping mechanism that will ultimately end up less productive and more harmful in the long run. It's not a strength. I heard a quote once, something like "It's not dying that's the hard part, it's living." and I think that's very true. You can take that in a negative light, but I chose to look at it in an encouraging way. You're a stronger person for moving on and living. And you yourself are stronger then you believe. Everyone has inner turmoils and problems, but putting up with them, coping with them, figuring things out, dealing with them instead of dwelling constantly to the point of utter despair, that's what helps us progress. And you shouldn't punish yourself for getting caught up in it, because everyone has, at least once. It's normal to feel like shit sometimes, that's punishment enough. Perfection is a myth, happy smiling people who are always cheerful and never have anything wrong, even them. You don't deserve more pain for feeling pain, no one does.
The friend thing I can relate to in a sense. I did that for a long time, constantly live in fear of being abandoned by friends, pushing people away -- the hurt you before you can hurt me kind of deal. Over worrying isn't going to help either, you have to get to a point where you realize people need there space sometimes, and you can't make everyone happy all the time. The best thing you can do is be yourself, that's what people are attracted to in the first place, you can't focus all your attentions into making people happy. A lot of the time it wont even work. Do what you can, that's all you can do, and try to overcome those fears, because people will always come and go. It's life. But some stick around, and no matter what someone is always going to be there for you, be it a relative or a friend.
And no phobia is stupid in my opinion, just irrational, there is a difference. We've talked about it before, you know how I feel about that subject. Again, it's something you have to try to work through and try to let your rational mind take over. I find that a lot of the time when you study your fears, pick them apart, hear how other people feel about -- not just in a one sided way, all angles, it helps. Also you know how I feel about the special plant products too, so I'm not going to touch on that right now either. Mostly because I'm still half asleep and I don't even know if the novel I wrote above here makes any sense right now. 8D
On an off note, I like this picture despite its grim inspiration. You can literally feel it. What did you use to get that cool brown tattered paper-y effect around the middle? It's super neat. o-o
-goes to get moar coffee now-
Also, whoever told you it's courageous and strong to harm yourself...yeah, don't listen to that kind of advice. It's not. It's just an animalistic childlike coping mechanism that will ultimately end up less productive and more harmful in the long run. It's not a strength. I heard a quote once, something like "It's not dying that's the hard part, it's living." and I think that's very true. You can take that in a negative light, but I chose to look at it in an encouraging way. You're a stronger person for moving on and living. And you yourself are stronger then you believe. Everyone has inner turmoils and problems, but putting up with them, coping with them, figuring things out, dealing with them instead of dwelling constantly to the point of utter despair, that's what helps us progress. And you shouldn't punish yourself for getting caught up in it, because everyone has, at least once. It's normal to feel like shit sometimes, that's punishment enough. Perfection is a myth, happy smiling people who are always cheerful and never have anything wrong, even them. You don't deserve more pain for feeling pain, no one does.
The friend thing I can relate to in a sense. I did that for a long time, constantly live in fear of being abandoned by friends, pushing people away -- the hurt you before you can hurt me kind of deal. Over worrying isn't going to help either, you have to get to a point where you realize people need there space sometimes, and you can't make everyone happy all the time. The best thing you can do is be yourself, that's what people are attracted to in the first place, you can't focus all your attentions into making people happy. A lot of the time it wont even work. Do what you can, that's all you can do, and try to overcome those fears, because people will always come and go. It's life. But some stick around, and no matter what someone is always going to be there for you, be it a relative or a friend.
And no phobia is stupid in my opinion, just irrational, there is a difference. We've talked about it before, you know how I feel about that subject. Again, it's something you have to try to work through and try to let your rational mind take over. I find that a lot of the time when you study your fears, pick them apart, hear how other people feel about -- not just in a one sided way, all angles, it helps. Also you know how I feel about the special plant products too, so I'm not going to touch on that right now either. Mostly because I'm still half asleep and I don't even know if the novel I wrote above here makes any sense right now. 8D
On an off note, I like this picture despite its grim inspiration. You can literally feel it. What did you use to get that cool brown tattered paper-y effect around the middle? It's super neat. o-o
-goes to get moar coffee now-
hfff you're such a good friend ;-; To make my reply to your awesome comment short, I agree with everything you say and I'm sorry I'm so emo sometimes. I'm not sorry I express it though >> It is indeed unhealthy to suppress things.
As for the pic itself, I actually used a crayon tool, made the brush size like fucking massive, and made random splotches. Then I just drew a circle of black with the same tool, same settings.
As for the pic itself, I actually used a crayon tool, made the brush size like fucking massive, and made random splotches. Then I just drew a circle of black with the same tool, same settings.
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