i dont really know where else to turn

furaffinity obviously isn't really a public forum or a place of close friends or serious help but i just can't stop thinking about suicide. im not going to do anything about it because i'm a coward and have never been able to complete an attempt but i'm in constant emotional pain. i keep managing to hide it away and forget about it when I'm working or stronger during the day, but at night or moments of weakness it resurfaces and I can't help but want to kill or harm myself.

i'm trying to look at things more positively, like how I have my own car, that I have my license, that I have a job that pays the highest I've ever earned (16.50/hr), but I don't have any /real/ friends, people I confide in, people I can depend on, people that I feel compelled to talk to every single day. I don't really know how to make friends anymore being 23, a workaholic and not having a great past. it's always walking on eggshells and I feel I can never truly connect with anyone because I always have this barrier up to protect myself, that everything is a big joke, that I should attack and insult them before they can attack or insult me, that I need to be abrasive all the time, that I need to be mean in order to not get hurt but all I do is just drive people away.

I dont know what else to do. I've tried chat websites, randomly adding people on facebook, meeting people on gmod or vrchat, but it just feels so fake, so empty. that no one actually cares, that I can't hold up a conversation.

the isolation is killing me. I want to fucking die, but I dont want to. I just want the pain to fucking stop but I dont know how to make it stop. I keep trying and ending up nowhere and it's debilitating.

would anyone care if I was gone? probably, but im too shortsided to even be able to think about that in my selfish pain, its my own fault I'm like this, it'd be my fault if I was dead, it's my own fault people don't like me and it's my own fault if i killed myself. i can't fucking win here. I dont know what to do.