''Maybe Its Better This Way, I'm Just A Fuck Up.'' ~

-

When things go wrong, you can't help but notice all your pain and anguish come out this time of the season. Seems i've taken it out on the wrong people, i've messed up and i've deliberately made a huge fire on the bridges between people I love. I got told I was out of line and i'm terrified i've gone too far. I'm scared i'll lose those precious to me. Paranoia, Abandonment Trauma and Abuse/Bullying have made me very cold n' aggressive. Even when I want to show others I care. I've always been used to never, ever letting anyone inside my defenses, thick skin. I'm not a cute, fluffy lion or wolf, i'm as cold as ice but cry when people turn away from me. Its no lie i'm a broken individual, i've tried so hard to keep my life together and love those I care for unconditionally, without anything stopping me. When things change, I feel like someone will leave me. Its happened multiple times, ive lost many, due to my mental illness, anxiety and depression. Noone wants me to infect them so they leave even when they say they aren't like the others. I get told pretty things to only be left. Some have moved on, some moved, died or just ended up going away. I remember so many in my life because everyone has impacted me in some way. The way they leave often scar my skin and I hide the damage to keep moving. I get dark, depressed and cry, but others don't see that. Recently I opened up on social media, about how my mental health is becoming a very big problem and could even end my life if I let the demons I suffer take over. I don't need god, I don't need faith...I just need support. I never ask for help, so even knowing i've said that has made me feel weak and powerless.

I just feel like an alien, back to my one man Freak Show. ~

---

Thrasher (C)

Art (C)