Idk that u write stories

this is a really good one~!

I haven't commented on your stories before because I find I just need to be in the right mindset to read something, for a plethora of personal reasons you probably don't want to know. But I love to read, and I love a good story. To be snobbish for a moment, it's hard to find good stories on FA and a decent amount of the time it can be hard to find the energy to help another artist improve their writing skills when their work is subpar. Like drawing, writing a technique that can be ever-worked towards mastery, but it's tough to take the time to comment on writings that are just not good, especially when writings can already take a bit of energy to interact with (personally speaking).

For that and many other reasons I've taken my time when coming to approach your work because I'm the kind of person that much prefers sharing my thoughts on a story when it makes me feel something, and that also takes energy to get my thoughts aligned and straightened out.

So your writing is fairly good. You've got technical skill and understand the mechanics of grammar for the most part (as far as I'm aware). There's nothing functionally wrong with the story and that's a big plus. So many writers don't know how to punctuate dialogue and it's nice to come across someone that already knows.

On the actually good things, your characterization of some of these characters is pretty great. I assume these aren't yours, as this is a commission, but you still did great. Sage in particular is lovely with their dialogue. My favorite line of his was “No matter how well I understand the universe, I’m still pretty much a piece of cotton in the wind. I’m not strong enough to change what’s been put in motion.” It's humorous and gets across his character really well.

That said, I think you rely a bit too much on dialogue and punctuation to get across a character's personality, creating a bit of talking head syndrome. The tail end of the conversation between Sage and Sherbet has it the worse. The characters are just talking and they're not really *doing* much. The occasional shake of the head and telling us how they say things is very dull and makes scenes like these sort of glide off the brain. The scene itself isn't being used. There's no crunching of snow, the petting of a tree, a chin resting on blubber. That stuff can really make the scene feel there.

On that note, you use exclamation marks a lot. It gets a little tiring. Excitement is definitely hard to convey through text. I assume sherbet is meant to have a sweet, bubbly personality. Using exclamation marks to get that across isn't particularly good, though. You do do it through her dialogue, but actions would help fill that in more. Talking about her hopping or dancing, spinning in place, hopping, bouncing, small things like that can help elevate a personality.

The last problem I think you have is a tendency to lean on purple prose. Simply dropping 'the orange colored glaceon' and things like it are rather sudden roadbumps in writing. They get across information extremely inelegantly, and using them to break up 'boring' descriptors really only leads to less smooth descriptors. It's assumed most people don't think or talk like that in daily dealings, so narration doing that without good reason looks odd. Strange details such as a creature's race or fur color should be brought up organically. Such as mentioned, "I get weird looks cause of my fur all the time. People used to call me Orange Juice cause of the color!" This allows the details to come up and allow the character to demonstrate more of their personality, showiung how they feel about the color, how they react to people calling them names, and so much more.

To end on a high note, the writing is overall lovely and whimsical. You have a story book quality to your writing I enjoy. The descriptors of the scene and situation, when they are there, are cute and fun. I wouldn't call them fantastic, but I would call them engaging and smile-inducing. The characters are all good spirited in their portrayals and there's lots of things that made me giggle and feel good. It ends on such a nice and cozy note with Sherbert having enjoyed her rather round trip. It's nice that this was a story about stuff, not just feitshy nonsense. I did love it, so thanks for posting this.

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Dayum

I'm a writer. I like writing. I like stories. I want good ones that are worth my time because I put thought into the act of reading.

To add to this, the orange repetition could have stressed a homonymous definition (orange colored Glaceon becoming round as orange) to blend in better with the story. Example being characters questioning or panicking over the "giant orange" rolling down the mountain.

This is such a good review. Was not expecting something this constructive on a random fetish story and learning about purple prose. May not be the author of this fic, but thanks for helping me realize faults of my own writing I could improve on.

I think fetish stories aren't exempt from criticism. In fact, I think they should get more than normal stories, since this is so specialized, you want it to be good, ya know? The only problem is writing takes more effort to consume than pictures, so it's hard to get people to talk about this stuff.

Here's hoping you'll make something I'll wanna read, then!

Also, I should have reinforced this the first time, but that idea about the homonymous definition is an excellent one.

It's pretty rare to get actual constructive criticism on a website like this, so thank you for giving your unfiltered opinion. This story has been sitting unpublished for more than a few months, but I've also had little time to practice writing this year, so I can't say if my writing has changed much since then. I will try to keep your advice in mind for the future.

Sherbet and the other Eeveelutions were the only characters who were pre-existing when this was written; all the others came to be thanks to the commissioner giving me some free reign on who Sherbet ended up interacting with.

Okay I wasn't sure how are these stories connected but I've checked the tags and now I've got it

Story was good. Snow absorption is quite unique, and Sherbert is quite wholesome. Each interaction was cute. Nicely done.