my ma would always tell me repeatedly as if to drum it into me, "you wont ever be happy". i dont want to believe shes right but im really struggling to find any arguments against it. i dont believe i'll find any living creature i can get genuinely, authentically close to that isnt my fur baby. i dont feel good from social interaction any more, i dont feel comforted or understood. i dont believe anybody has the capacity to understand- and either way, this has all come to a head where i dont fucking care any more about the particular losses or blows, i dont care about much of anything. im trying so hard. ive been trying so fucking hard. im just a fucking beaten dog that doesnt know a lashing from a safe hug. the senses are not dull, but theyre not descriptive any more. everything feels like a judgement and the only final, standing hang up concerning all this, is that its a reality i dont want but feel i cant fight. i don know what would work, ive had my trust broken by professionals, been medically neglected into life threatening situations over the last handful of years on a few occasions and its made me forever aware of how pervasively misunderstood and purposely shoved to the side i am. ive spent months worth of nights, alone, completely isolated, afraid to call anybody, afraid to fucking share how awful i feel, afraid to share just how bad my physical pain is. denying myself a life to spare embarrassment in case i really cant hold in my own piss in public, the shame of each new notch that shrank my life ever so slightly more. i dont even know why im sharing all this. i tried so hard to enjoy life again after losing my best friend, after finally getting my own home, after losing my hearing which breaks my heart to think about its so hard not to meltdown immediately when i start thinking about my hearing loss. after being told how awful i am. im not sure any more. i dont know if i should keep going with the way things look. i dont feel any hope at all. i dont feel ok, im completely alone and without life left to live, what do i keep waiting for?