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My first Thursday Prompt entry! Almost on time, even.
This is about one-third of the story because it took me almost whole week to come up with a usable idea.
This is about one-third of the story because it took me almost whole week to come up with a usable idea.
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 6.6 kB
I really love the feel created by this piece - the mix of magic and technology, to give a feel of a world far in the future of your standard fantasy fare. It brings me to mind of DragonStar, whom few people seem to have heard of. I really enjoyed constructing the scenes in my head.
It would be easier to read if the paragraphs had more definition to them - that is to say, if you put a newline between each paragraph, instead of just starting it over on the next line. The visual separation helps to differentiate them.
We never see who 'she' is - and this makes it hard for me to be drawn into the story quite as much. I expected more of a reveal, but it never came. The earlier you can picture who you're seeing through the eyes of, the more you can feel their motivations - the more you're drawn into the story. I would see why you wouldn't want to describe her too much *before* the fight with the demon - you want the super-magitech armor to be the focus then ... but after you're done there, I'd suggest giving a pause to fully describe *what* the armor looks like, who she is, what she's doing there, before getting to the castle and the wisps.
For that matter, the purple demon, the wisps, and the cup was the only thing you really described. I didn't know what she looked like, or the castle, or the corridors she walked through. The armor, the weapons, etc. How does she know how many charges are left on the assault wand? Is it a readout, did she count it off, or is there a psi-up display?
There are also a number of grammatical errors. You tend to forget the word 'the' quite often, and that just makes me stumble a bit over the reading. I'd suggest reading it 'out loud' to yourself when you're done - whether that 'out loud' is actually done out loud, or if you can create the sound in your imagination, is up to you, but try to listen to yourself reading it.
Despite these small suggestions, you have a great *idea*. It's a world that you managed to suggest with only a few words here and there, that got me intrigued, and it's that 'get them intrigued' thing which is really important for getting people to read your stuff. I want to find out more about this world!
It would be easier to read if the paragraphs had more definition to them - that is to say, if you put a newline between each paragraph, instead of just starting it over on the next line. The visual separation helps to differentiate them.
We never see who 'she' is - and this makes it hard for me to be drawn into the story quite as much. I expected more of a reveal, but it never came. The earlier you can picture who you're seeing through the eyes of, the more you can feel their motivations - the more you're drawn into the story. I would see why you wouldn't want to describe her too much *before* the fight with the demon - you want the super-magitech armor to be the focus then ... but after you're done there, I'd suggest giving a pause to fully describe *what* the armor looks like, who she is, what she's doing there, before getting to the castle and the wisps.
For that matter, the purple demon, the wisps, and the cup was the only thing you really described. I didn't know what she looked like, or the castle, or the corridors she walked through. The armor, the weapons, etc. How does she know how many charges are left on the assault wand? Is it a readout, did she count it off, or is there a psi-up display?
There are also a number of grammatical errors. You tend to forget the word 'the' quite often, and that just makes me stumble a bit over the reading. I'd suggest reading it 'out loud' to yourself when you're done - whether that 'out loud' is actually done out loud, or if you can create the sound in your imagination, is up to you, but try to listen to yourself reading it.
Despite these small suggestions, you have a great *idea*. It's a world that you managed to suggest with only a few words here and there, that got me intrigued, and it's that 'get them intrigued' thing which is really important for getting people to read your stuff. I want to find out more about this world!
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.
This was a *very* rushed story! I got the idea less than twenty four hours before posting - and I had to sleep and go to work in that time.
Details about the character are intentionally sketchy, although I probably should describe her at least a bit. I tried to balance the tendency between skipping detail and still delivering interesting story, something that worked this time, but not in my later attempts. (This is, actually, the reason why I have not posted any more Thursday Prompts - I keep running out of time with less than a quarter of the text ready.)
Grammar is a known problem! English is my second language and I'm still trying to improve my knowledge and command of it.
This was a *very* rushed story! I got the idea less than twenty four hours before posting - and I had to sleep and go to work in that time.
Details about the character are intentionally sketchy, although I probably should describe her at least a bit. I tried to balance the tendency between skipping detail and still delivering interesting story, something that worked this time, but not in my later attempts. (This is, actually, the reason why I have not posted any more Thursday Prompts - I keep running out of time with less than a quarter of the text ready.)
Grammar is a known problem! English is my second language and I'm still trying to improve my knowledge and command of it.
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