Another Viva Pinata writher!

It's glad to see another one join the ranks! ^_^ Your story was a nice read, but it could use some tweaking up with some details and dialogue. :)

*Writer. ^^;

On exactly what? I wanna get it right, but I alredy have part 2 up, I think...

I'll take a tidbit of a sentence and spruce it up for ya for starters. :)

Ramses decided to look around to try to find where he was.

Upgrade it with:

The bemused horse had glanced about, surveying his surroundings in hopes of grasping a familiar sight.

Avoid using the word 'look' more than you have to, search up some synonyms to replace them, I've had that problem before looking... Er, recalling those early moments of my writing. Also, try to stretch out your words, but not too long that no one can understand you. 'Try' can be replaced with 'Attempt', 'Find' can be replaced with 'Discover' or 'Locate,'

As for the dialogue, to write more professionally, avoid CAPITALIZING words to show expression or enthusiasm, they can easily be expressed the same way using italics. And avoid spamming punctuations!!!!! Like that. It's stressful to read for some people. I bet you're wondering, "how do I express '!?' (Shocked and confused) dialogue then?" It's pretty simple. I'll take a piece of your dialogue and change it to show you.

“WAH! What the shit?!” Ramses said, flinging the berries in the air out of pure fright as he whinnied. Wait… whinnied?

And modify it too:

"Wah!-" Ramses whinnied, nearly having a heart attack while his would be meal was scattered by his uneasy reflexes. "What the shit?" He began to realize his newfound horse features had affected him internally as well.

I don't know if I had captured the same essence you were going for, but the '?!' can be simply replaced with a descriptive attachment at the end of the dialogue to inform the reader of the subject's condition.

And this is just a personal nitpick here, but I'd refer from using harsh words in your story seeing as you're clearly featuring the original cast of Viva Pinata. It just makes it feel a bit... off seeing as the show is aimed more at the youth. *shrugs* I dunno, maybe it's just me. I mean I could understand it all if you were taking a more dark approach to your story. :)

Hope my advice helped! Though if you need further guidance with anything else, don't be afraid to shout! I'm happy to help out a fellow pinata writer! ^_^

I'm glad you replied, but my main point of contention is the fact that I swear, I cuss. That means I would swear/cuss more due to my sudden finding out. I was in fact going for a slightly darker story, if you care to read number 2, it has something that would be considered very harsh on children. Just to let you know.

Alright, I haven't gotten to the second chapter yet. I had a friend stop over just as I finished reading the first one, But I'll get right to the next chapter now. :)