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It’s been forever since I’ve let myself draw and share vent art, but it was so genuinely cathartic to do…..
CONTENT WARNINGS:
Psychosis, unreality, delusions, description of symptoms, experiences, general mental illness stuff, eyesore.
CONTENT WARNINGS:
Psychosis, unreality, delusions, description of symptoms, experiences, general mental illness stuff, eyesore.
Category Artwork (Digital) / Miscellaneous
Species Red Panda
Size 960 x 1280px
File Size 559.1 kB
Mental health is a complicated thing, and the maladies that surround it can be just as insidious... especially when it feels like it's what's normal. But ultimately, the best way to get around them is to reach out to people who are supportive and care about you, and don't demand you change, but help you adjust on your own terms.
I'm always here to help you feel welcome and comfortable, as are so many others, of that I am sure. So don't be afraid to reach other if you ever need anyone to talk to or vent to, okay? 💛
I'm always here to help you feel welcome and comfortable, as are so many others, of that I am sure. So don't be afraid to reach other if you ever need anyone to talk to or vent to, okay? 💛
*Offers a hug* One's mental health can be a great challenge, I know that for a fact... I've had a lot of time to reflect from Covid and with the help of my friends in the community, I have concluded I am a walking bundle of issues. I am confident in my own ability to heal, however: and thus and confident in you as well.
This? This right here? This is why I refuse to let myself judge people. You don't know what demons they fight. What world they see. What challenges they are going through. I wouldn't want people to mock me or refuse to be with me because of something I could not control or was fighting to correct. Better to assume there's a reason for every behavior and be there with an open mind.
The key is not healing. You're not hurt in a way that will necessarily heal with time or patience.
The key is understanding. Understanding from others is a big part and most people focus on this. Sharing your feelings is very important - as you've done here - because you will get feedback, comfort, and things to think about.
But one of the problems, that I ran into over and over, is that the people you talk with might not understand your suffering. No matter how hard you try to explain.
It's not that people don't care. They probably care a lot. It's just that, when you've suffered from psychosis, even when you're not actively suffering, it can be difficult to explain what made it happen. Perhaps it's even a mystery to you.
Maybe you think I am speaking nonsense. Allow me to explain my 24-year psychosis. I'll keep it short.
When I was young I enjoyed reading, learning, and talking with adults about things I found interesting. My developmental milestones were way ahead of normal; I was spelling 10-letter words at 3 years old. My favorite book was an unabridged dictionary.
My mother had just gotten out of her second abusive relationship. She had a major chip on her shoulder and some quite psychotic views. Everyone owed her something, in her mind.
So, I owed her too. After all, I was her child, right? She intentionally infected me with four different respiratory diseases. It got her a lot of attention and sympathy... And permanently damaged my lungs.
That? That was the least she would do.
Years later I would be tortured gitmo-style, dropped three floors onto cinder blocks (I miraculously missed them all, minus one brick on my shoulder), and much, much more. She even used medication to cripple me on my 18th birthday (paraplegia) then told everyone I had done drugs at a party.
You might ask why I would stay with this madwoman.
She had me believing the whole world was out to get me, my family was harming me, my friends were not worthy. And the thing was, she was right. She would manipulate EVERYONE to make it true. The amount of effort that woman put into controlling single every aspect of my life was utterly unbelievable. So, I didn't believe it. I trusted her.
Everything, and I mean everything, went wrong. It was always my fault because things just seemed to "happen" on the days I was feeling less than sane. Items would go missing, teachers would blow up at me, an old friend would start bullying me. Eventually, I started stealing, being a troublemaker, and bullying my friends. Wasn't that what everyone expected? It drove me crazy. This was NOT who I wanted to be.
But my mother was always there to comfort me.
Until the day she slipped up. She got complacent in her machinations and used the same manipulative technique a third time. I had noticed, the second time, but wrote it off as a coincidence. The third time? After everything I suffered? Hell no. I confronted her.
That was the wrong choice. I couldn't leave because she had me on psych disability and a whole slew of medical histories. Worse, she had control of all my money. Thus began 4 years of fighting and bitter manipulative battles.
However, I learned well from her. After 4 years - multiple close calls where she almost got me thrown in a mental hospital for the fifth time - she finally lost the will to keep fighting. Finally, would I be freed from the never-ending chaos?
The hardest part came when the chaos really did stop. Nothing happened. Life was normal. It was surreal. Unbelievable. This is what I was missing?
And then... I cried for days. Just cried, and cried, and cried. How many years had I wasted? It truly wasn't everyone I had blamed, hurt, and persecuted. Hundreds of people. Maybe thousands. All of it simply because I trusted her. Just her. Only her.
That's when I realized. Understanding through other people is good, helpful, but it doesn't stop the psychosis. Psychosis causes one to distrust their own mind. So, the key? The key is understanding. Understanding YOURSELF. The moment you can rely on your own mind again is the moment you will begin to break free from the things making you psychotic. Whatever that may be.
People? You can deal with them better when you clearly understand your desires and preferences. Genetic/physical illness? When you understand your illness and can explain it best, your doctor can also prescribe the best medications and therapies. Addiction? Understand your triggers so you can train to break them or avoid them, or again, explain to a doctor. Raw emotions? Insecurity? Fear?
...
You need to know, deeply, subconsciously that you won't JUST heal. You'll be better than you ever were. With your own power. Your own strength. And it's not just something you can do. You WILL do it. Because, well, the alternative? You already know what that is. You've lived it.
It's not just you, either. You can be so much more for those around you. Reliable. Sensible. Helpful. Without the breakdowns. Without the psychotic breaks, apologies, crying, and trying to fix the past.
It's a hard path to take. But it's worth it. I haven't been beaten or manipulated since 2018. I am very proud of myself. But I won't stop here. Never again will I settle for less. I hope you won't either.
The key is understanding. Understanding from others is a big part and most people focus on this. Sharing your feelings is very important - as you've done here - because you will get feedback, comfort, and things to think about.
But one of the problems, that I ran into over and over, is that the people you talk with might not understand your suffering. No matter how hard you try to explain.
It's not that people don't care. They probably care a lot. It's just that, when you've suffered from psychosis, even when you're not actively suffering, it can be difficult to explain what made it happen. Perhaps it's even a mystery to you.
Maybe you think I am speaking nonsense. Allow me to explain my 24-year psychosis. I'll keep it short.
When I was young I enjoyed reading, learning, and talking with adults about things I found interesting. My developmental milestones were way ahead of normal; I was spelling 10-letter words at 3 years old. My favorite book was an unabridged dictionary.
My mother had just gotten out of her second abusive relationship. She had a major chip on her shoulder and some quite psychotic views. Everyone owed her something, in her mind.
So, I owed her too. After all, I was her child, right? She intentionally infected me with four different respiratory diseases. It got her a lot of attention and sympathy... And permanently damaged my lungs.
That? That was the least she would do.
Years later I would be tortured gitmo-style, dropped three floors onto cinder blocks (I miraculously missed them all, minus one brick on my shoulder), and much, much more. She even used medication to cripple me on my 18th birthday (paraplegia) then told everyone I had done drugs at a party.
You might ask why I would stay with this madwoman.
She had me believing the whole world was out to get me, my family was harming me, my friends were not worthy. And the thing was, she was right. She would manipulate EVERYONE to make it true. The amount of effort that woman put into controlling single every aspect of my life was utterly unbelievable. So, I didn't believe it. I trusted her.
Everything, and I mean everything, went wrong. It was always my fault because things just seemed to "happen" on the days I was feeling less than sane. Items would go missing, teachers would blow up at me, an old friend would start bullying me. Eventually, I started stealing, being a troublemaker, and bullying my friends. Wasn't that what everyone expected? It drove me crazy. This was NOT who I wanted to be.
But my mother was always there to comfort me.
Until the day she slipped up. She got complacent in her machinations and used the same manipulative technique a third time. I had noticed, the second time, but wrote it off as a coincidence. The third time? After everything I suffered? Hell no. I confronted her.
That was the wrong choice. I couldn't leave because she had me on psych disability and a whole slew of medical histories. Worse, she had control of all my money. Thus began 4 years of fighting and bitter manipulative battles.
However, I learned well from her. After 4 years - multiple close calls where she almost got me thrown in a mental hospital for the fifth time - she finally lost the will to keep fighting. Finally, would I be freed from the never-ending chaos?
The hardest part came when the chaos really did stop. Nothing happened. Life was normal. It was surreal. Unbelievable. This is what I was missing?
And then... I cried for days. Just cried, and cried, and cried. How many years had I wasted? It truly wasn't everyone I had blamed, hurt, and persecuted. Hundreds of people. Maybe thousands. All of it simply because I trusted her. Just her. Only her.
That's when I realized. Understanding through other people is good, helpful, but it doesn't stop the psychosis. Psychosis causes one to distrust their own mind. So, the key? The key is understanding. Understanding YOURSELF. The moment you can rely on your own mind again is the moment you will begin to break free from the things making you psychotic. Whatever that may be.
People? You can deal with them better when you clearly understand your desires and preferences. Genetic/physical illness? When you understand your illness and can explain it best, your doctor can also prescribe the best medications and therapies. Addiction? Understand your triggers so you can train to break them or avoid them, or again, explain to a doctor. Raw emotions? Insecurity? Fear?
...
You need to know, deeply, subconsciously that you won't JUST heal. You'll be better than you ever were. With your own power. Your own strength. And it's not just something you can do. You WILL do it. Because, well, the alternative? You already know what that is. You've lived it.
It's not just you, either. You can be so much more for those around you. Reliable. Sensible. Helpful. Without the breakdowns. Without the psychotic breaks, apologies, crying, and trying to fix the past.
It's a hard path to take. But it's worth it. I haven't been beaten or manipulated since 2018. I am very proud of myself. But I won't stop here. Never again will I settle for less. I hope you won't either.
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